Replay the day

My mind was fully awake and alert but despite every fervent effort on my part, my eyes refused to budge. I could feel the soft sheets beneath my almost bare skin and could smell the lavender scent as it waltzed against my nose. Everything felt so familiar yet at the same time so very strange. After a bit of self motivation and an equal amount of force my eyes eventually decided to co-operate. The sleep induced crust from my sweet slumber cracked as I slowly opened my eyes and took in my surroundings. The room before me was immaculately clean and beautifully decorated in white and gold. Obviously it belonged to someone who lived a life of wealth and luxury and the curtains floated softly as the fresh sea breeze drifted in. I continued to lay in the bed and it was only when I heard the soft creak of the door that I jolted up with a start, throughly confused and afraid. Where was I? What was happening? And more importantly who was I?

As I tried to make sense of my surroundings, a well groomed man with a bespoke suit walked in. He was undeniable good looking and had a confidence about him that clearly dominated the room. Despite the kind smile on his face, there was also a look of concern plastered behind that smile. Why was he so concerned? What did he do? Did he kidnap me and was he holding me ransom? Did he violate me last night and was now feeling remorseful? I was very scantily dressed so that was a great possibility no? Seeing the fear on my face, he quickly moved back. 'Please don't be afraid I won't hurt you, you know me, I'm your husband.' Won't hurt me? So what do you intend on doing with me then? A hundred thoughts raced through my mind as I edged backwards. With every inch that I retreated he seemed to do the same, almost as afraid as I was. I looked at the side table hoping to find something to defend myself with but instead of finding an envelope opener or a lamp shade, my eyes fell upon a picture of him and a woman who looked a little too familiar. He was buried behind a blanket of beach sand, with his arm laced around me and he was holding a baby in the other hand. Whose baby was that?

As I examined the picture, he interrupted my frazzled thoughts with, ' That's us, sometime last year, playing on the beach with Isabella, our daughter.' Our what? Am I married to this man? Do I have a daughter?I crawled out of the bed pulling the sheet from the mattress corners with me so that I could cover myself with it. I felt violated and confused... I needed to know what was happening? Why was I in this room, with this man, looking at pictures of people I don't know? I closed my eyes to gather my thoughts then screamed louder than I had expected to, 'If we are married how come I don't remember you? Or at least know who you are?' I interrogated. 'Please let me just go because I don't know who you are.' 

His face dropped and he let out a tiny sigh, 'You don't know who I am because you are in the early stages of Alzheimer's, you have some on and some off days. Sometimes you remember everything about our life together and you are you but on other days, days like this, everything is just a blur, ' he replied sadlym

'That makes absolutely no sense at all, if I'm in the early stages of memory loss, why do you look so calm about it? Where's the child? Why am I sleeping in this bed? Shouldn't I be in an institution getting the help I need?' I snapped at him frantically grappling at anything just so that I could remember something... anything.

'The child... Our child... Isabella is with your parents, it's a bit unsettling for her to be here when you have your off days and you have been out of it for the last couple of days. You don't want to go anywhere when you remember what's happening but I also can't bear to see you tied up or in a room smaller than our bathroom with no clue about what's going on. I would rather you stay here where I can help you. I'm your husband and I'm not about to abandon you, if I don't remain calm who will? Can I come closer to you? Please just touch my hand, my touch is what usually triggers you, ' he replied with a slight look of desperation.

I moved towards the bathroom door and sprinted in before he could get any closer. Once in the bathroom I stared into the mirror, completely lost to myself. Who was this woman looking back at me? I stared at the perfectly styled hair, the manicured nails and oh my word was that a hicci on my neck!? Am I letting this stranger touch me? Why am I so glamorous? This can't be my life goals? To be a trophy wife? I switched the shower on and as the steaming hot water ran down my body I tried to make sense of things.

 Alzheimer's? Well that's a development. I laughed silently to myself... a development from what though? You don't even remember this life. Okay fair enough you don't remember it but do you want to? Why not though, the man seems nice, he is extremely good looking, the life seems wonderful and opulent but what about the child? Do you want a child? As I wash the soap off my body I feel a bump on my skin, I look down and see what appears to be a scar. Was this from a C Section I wonder? I switch the water off and go to the mirror to examine this blemish. A tiny but very visible scar is drawn across my otherwise flat tummy. So this is where she came from? A flicker of light and the smell of a hospital ward crosses my senses, is this a flashback? Is this how she was born? But I hold myself back for a second and ask... Do I even want to remember this? Before I can allow the memory to build, there's a knock at the door. 'Are you okay? Do you need me to help you with anything?' the man asks

I feel a bit insulted, help me with what? Have I become so dependent and delicate that I need help getting dressed? I open the door ready for a confrontation but his concerned face stops me. I close my mouth and push pass him. He's staring at me, ready to say something but then hesitates. I should put on clothes but I don't know where to look or where to go. He points to two wide wooden doors, I open them and I'm greeted by a walk in closet that dreams would be made off. I look around, a bit disgusted by the shiny dresses and endless shelves of shoes. Am I this vain? Do I owe this many shoes and handbags? Slowly but surely I can feel myself not being very impressed by this life. Why do I need this many things? I slip into the simplest pair of jeans and t shirt that I can find but gasp when I realize that even my casual wear is designer.

When I come out of the closet, he's there again. Why hasn't this man gone to work yet? He's dressed for a day of work but is just hovering around me. I don't know what to do with myself either so I just wait for him to speak again. 'I thought you might want to see Isabella today?' he says. 'She's been asking for you and maybe it will trigger something, a memory or two. You really love her and she loves you. You should see yourself with her, here let me show you, ' he says as he takes a mobile phone out of his pocket. I can feel my mouth go bitterly dry at the sound of her name. Isabella... What a rich girl name. Why would I name my child that? I shake my head, 'No... I don't want to see her.' He seems a bit upset, almost taken aback, as though I had committed some type of crime. But why would I want to see someone I don't know? Surely she can't be mine if I can't remember her or if I don't want to see her. 

 And then it clicks... I don't want to see her, I don't want to be here, I dont want to continue this conversation with him. I walk towards the door and he follows. 'Where are you going?' he asks. I make my way through the halls but get lost for most of the way. I'm surrounded by beauty and wealth throughout but my mind is only on one thing, I need to get out of here. 'Where are you trying to go, please just tell me so that I can help you,' I hear him repeatedly saying behind me. The workers look weary but say nothing except bow or curtsy as they see me pass. I ignore them and walk for what feels like a lifetime before I finally reach the door. I pause, turn around to look at him and as calmly as I can, say to him, 'I don't know where I'm going yet but I'm leaving, I don't remember this life and I don't want to.' He looks upset but let's me leave. Well that was easier than I thought. At least he didn't force me to live this life and see the child. I'm finally free I think and can go live my dreams... whatever they may be. I leave but before I can get halfway across the grounds, my head begins to spin, the world gets blurred and my knees give way beneath me. I collapse to the floor and everything goes hazy. I hear faint voices in the background and before everything goes black I see the man run towards me with one of the butlers saying, 'Let's get her back into bed.' Wait no, don't take me back I think and then there's suddenly nothing but darkness. 

18hrs later...

I can't open my eyes yet but I can feel the soft sheets beneath me...