Picture of Regrets

The question that had just been asked to me was expected. I had prepared for this and knew exactly what I wanted to say. Even so, that didn’t stop the quickening beating of my heart, or the sweat from starting to trickle down the back of my neck.

Monotonous faces of a monotonous audience glared at me under the pretense of promising not to judge, but stared longingly at me with judging eyes anyway. The spotlights of the stage felt like a microscope that enlarged my flaws, and I couldn’t sit far enough back in my seat to avoid them. Suddenly, I wanted this to be over and I couldn’t help but blurt out the truth.

“Well I guess I figured that I had nothing to lose, you know? If I say nothing, then my life continues on as it always has, a nagging guilt at the back of mind, always whispering its painful reminder. If I say what I think will change my life, then maybe I have a shot at undoing the hurt that I caused so many years ago. Maybe I’m hoping that my apology will be more than enough to set right a broken friendship and put to rest the demons that haunt my thoughts.”

The judgment in the audience’s eyes turned to curiosity, as the young host, Daniel, began asking me a follow up to his first question of why it was that I came on his show 'Second Chances.’

“Do you want to tell us what it was that you did? Or who you hurt? Or why you still feel sorry after so long?”

I knew he was trying to get me to talk, but I felt like I was on trial for something. I wasn’t so sure that this was a good idea. I suppose I could have just tried to handle this with a therapist, but I didn’t think that would bring me any closure. It didn’t look like going on a publicly viewed televised show was going to either.

His questions brought back the images of the last time I saw Peter, and the things that were said. I had to share something so personal and so exposing to a room full of strangers. This was definitely a stupid decision. Why did I come here?

“It’s too late to get out of it now. Better to just get it over with.” I thought to myself.

With my voice cracking from anxiety, I began the sad story that had ended my longest friendship. “20 years ago, me and Pete were inseparable. We did everything together. We stayed the night at each other’s houses. We walked to school together and had some classes together. Then we would spend almost everyday after school together. The weekends were no different. My hobbies were his hobbies, and his were mine. We were best friends. It was like this all through elementary and middle school, and most of high school.”

Daniel's voice was pleasant enough, easy to listen to, and matched his friendly eyes. His demeanor was relaxed and easy going, no doubt to try and make people feel comfortable. No matter how nice he looked though, he seemed more and more like an attorney for a defendant I couldn’t see. He interrupted my story to get more information, and I had the vague notion that he was going to start it with “Isn’t it true, that on the night of…”

“So now I’m wondering, as I’m sure everyone else is, if you guys were friends for so long, what could’ve possibly happened to tear you apart?” Is what he actually asked, while hovering a mic under my mouth.

“Well,” I tired not to look at the audience as I answered, I didn’t want to see what they were thinking. “Once we made it to high school, we began spending more and more time apart. We both got jobs and I had a girlfriend. I choose to spend more time with her than him, and it put a strain on our normal routine. I’m not saying we never hung out, it just wasn’t as much as we were used to.”

I quit talking. I really didn’t want to be here anymore, I didn’t want to have to say the words, but Daniel kept prodding.

“So you guys didn’t see each other as much. I think that’s to be expected as people grow up. That doesn’t seem like it should cause you so much anguish. Am I right? There’s more to this story, isn’t there?”

The sweat was pouring freely down the back of my head. Soaking my shirt and making pieces of it stick to my back. I needed to do something to calm myself, but I was trapped under the watchful eyes of the room.

I continued on with as much enthusiasm as a wet piece of paper. “That girlfriend that I had, who is now my wife, her name is Emily, saw that me and Peter were unhappy with the way things were going. You know, when you’re that young, it’s hard to imagine life will turn out any different than what you plan, and we thought we would go away to college together, be roommates, and then remain friends for life. So Emily said she could set Pete up with one of her friends and we could all hang out together. It seemed like a great plan.”

This was it. This was the part of the story that I hated, that I wish I could take back. Forgiveness could be right around the corner and I could be so close to receiving it.

My words came faster and faster as I rushed to finish what I started. “That night, it was supposed to be the four of us. The girls said they would meet us at the beach, so me and Pete could ride together. I went to pick him up but he said he didn’t want to go. He didn’t give me an answer as to why not and a small verbal fight broke out between us.”

Saying the words put me right back in that moment. All at once, I was no longer just telling my tale to some random group of people. I was relieving each and every moment.

“Come on Pete, you knew about this for weeks, if you didn’t want to go, you could’ve just said no in the first place. Even if you’re not interested in her friend, we can find you someone else. And besides, at least we get to hang out together. It’ll be like old times”

I was trying not to get loud, but I was so mad at him for doing this that some of the words came out as shouts anyway.

“You don’t get it, do you? It’s not that I just don’t want to go tonight, I don’t want to go ever. I miss having my friend in my life, I miss joking around and just watching movies or something. I just miss you. You and Emily together means that we don’t get to do those things anymore, and I don’t want to try and force something to work, when really, I’m just watching it fall apart.”

Pete was beginning to cry and I felt the same as him, but what else could we do?

“Listen, maybe as we get older, we don’t have the same relationship that we had, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore. We just have to find other things we can do together, even if it’s not as much as we’d like. We’re gonna grow up. What if your wife wants to move across the country? What if you decide to spend all your free time with your kids? You’re making it seem like we can just have this same level of being together for the rest of our lives without anything changing.”

He looked at me and I could see the pain and sadness leaking from his eyes.

“I never thought things wouldn’t change, but I at least thought you would see the truth. I’m never going to have a wife, and probably never kids. I don’t like girls, I’m gay.”

His words quickly made sense and I could see over the past years all the clues that should’ve led me to that conclusion for myself. He didn’t give me time to think it through, as he just kept going with his explanation.

“I thought you had figured it out a long time ago, but then you go and invite me on this date.”

He stared at the ground like he was trying to disappear into it while he continued. “I know you’re not like me. I know that you do like girls, but I just thought that even when it came time for that stuff, you would make time for me like you always have. I know you’ll never feel the same as me, and that’s ok, but I love the time we spend together. I love all the things we do together and I love the way I’m always so happy around you. I love you, Carter.”

My ears were ringing. Now there was no way to stop the shouting.

“What do mean, you love me? What do you mean, it’s ok if I don’t feel the same? I never knew any of that. I don’t know what you want from me, but I don’t want to know that. How am I supposed to look at you? How am I supposed to be around you, without thinking that you’re thinking about something more with me? I don’t care if you’re gay, but we can’t continue with how we’ve been if you have feelings for me.”

The end of the replayed conversation brought me back to the present. The shock of silence from the audience told me that they knew I was in the wrong, just as much as I knew it. Too bad they couldn’t feel the pain that I felt. The pain that I knew I caused.

Daniel, blowing his breath out in a puff, asked the final question. “Was that the last time you talked to Pete?”

How his words caused that pain to come alive. To jump through my veins and choke the air from my lungs.

With a small voice, I finished the story of the most regrettable night of my life. 

“I left Pete standing there. I didn’t want to hear his reasoning. I went back to Emily and told her everything that Pete said to me. She tried to make me feel better, but the night just wasn’t the same. By the time we made it home, there were police there. Pete’s mom was there; her and my mother were crying.” 

Barely getting the words out, I wasn’t sure I could say the last sentences that condemned me to a life of self blame and torture.

“His mom and two officers ran over to me and asked what had happened. Since we were all supposed to be together, she wanted to know why we hadn’t been. Where were we when Pete was all alone. Why had he decided to not go along with us and instead had taken his own life. She wanted to know if we knew anything. He didn’t leave a note, or say good-bye to anyone. He was just gone.”

Tears raced along my cheeks. I pleaded to the whole room for forgiveness but all that waited for me was silence. Not even Daniel had something to say.

“I knew it was my fault, I knew the hurtful things I had said and the way I left, had been the cause of this. I had been scared and unsure of where our friendship would go, but he had to live with that fear since day one. I could’ve tried harder to understand. I should’ve been there for my friend. But all I accomplished was pushing him so far away that he thought that was his only option. I wish I could take it back. I wish I could relive that night and do things differently. I’m so sorry for what I caused.”

Daniel spoke loud and demanding. “I know you can’t do anything to take back those actions, but you are here to ask for a second chance. So let’s bring out Pete’s mom, Trisha. She’s been listening in and I’m sure she would like a chance to talk to you as well.”

I twisted around in my seat as Trishs came out. I hadn’t seen her since the funeral and I was surprised to see that she looked healthy and happy. 

In the midst of a breath taking hug, she whispered in my ear that it was so great to see me. Then Daniel interrupted our tiny reunion with his never ending questions.

“It’s good to have you on the show Trisha. What do you think about the story we’ve all just heard and are you ready to forgive Carter for his part in your son’s death?”

Looking at him in disbelief, I couldn’t understand why he was, as it seemed to me, instigating a negative response. I knew it felt like I was on trial for a reason. 

Breaking down in front of Trisha, in front of Daniel, and in front of the entire audience, I fell to my knees and begged Trisha to accept my apology.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. If there was something I could do, or something I could say to erase that night, I would do it. Please, you have to understand how terribly sorry I am. I never knew he would do something like that, and by the time I did, it was too late. You’re the last shred of him left and I just wanted you to know the truth and know how much this has haunted me.”

Trisha wrapped me in her arms again. 

“Of course I forgive you and you should forgive yourself. You shouldn’t have waited so long to talk to me. I could’ve helped you. Pete’s death wasn’t your fault. He had been struggling for a long time with his identity and rejection. You were his only friend, and I think he got it in his mind, that, if you didn’t know how to act around him, no one would. Don’t blame yourself, he needed much more help than any of us knew. He kept it well hidden until he couldn’t handle it anymore. Please stop beating yourself up over this.”

Daniel closed out the show with some warm congratulations and a reminder for the at home audience to tune in next week, but I could only here Trisha’s words to me. Her words brought a sense of peace and the void inside me started to heal.