Back to Work

He stared at the empty glass on the coaster beside him, realising in that moment that it was a coaster she’d brought him back from a work trip to Sweden a few years ago. Unsure as to how the souvenir had ended up at his Mother’s house it was all the impetus needed to justify reaching for the wine bottle and pouring the last of its contents into that glass. Ian had vowed that he wouldn’t drink tonight, but clearly that promise had not been kept. Tomorrow was the first day back at the office and he was going to show up with a clear head and be positive, and joyful, and all of the other self-enhancing mantras he had tried to convince himself of. Kate would be there, and he didn’t want her to see him with any air of gloom or lack about him.

There was a creak from upstairs, probably his mother going to the bathroom. She had been very supportive when he had arrived on her doorstep just over two months ago. Ian had uttered “Hello Mum” in a faltering voice as the familiar door swung open to reveal the woman who had brought him into the World. She had stood there, her eyes welling with the love only a mother can know on seeing the anguish in her child.

Another sip of wine and he recalled how his mother had not pressed him for details, once having made sure that Kate was alright, not having had an accident or other misfortune, she had then left him to share as he felt able. She liked Kate and the two of them had always got on, both sharing the same mischievous sense of humour. She hadn’t judged Kate or indeed spoken any ill words since he had returned home following the breakup. 

Ian had not been so generous of heart as his angry thoughts and emotions had coursed through him day and night for what seemed like forever. He had adored Kate from the moment they first met and, so it seemed to him, she had effortlessly moved into his heart and his head and never moved out. It had seemed like a fairy tale, until the day after the night he hadn’t come home. A dinner party in town with a customer to celebrate a successful project, in which Ian’s team had played no small part, was comprised of Ian, Daniel and Maddy and the senior management team of the happy client. The night had got messy and, following dinner, the group had moved on to a club for drinks and more drinks. Ian thought he had messaged Kate, but no message had arrived on her phone and it was late the next morning when he finally picked up Kate’s frantic call, noting the 36 previous missed attempts his handset was displaying. Ian explained that he and Maddy had stayed over at Daniel’s place, a trendy loft apartment, as it was so late when they finally called it a night and Daniel lived in town.

Over time, Kate had noticed the way Maddy regarded Ian at work, and they seemed close. Ian was naturally affable and brought out the best in most people he dealt with, but Kate had noticed stirrings of jealousy in herself for this younger woman and kept a watchful eye on the relationship. That Ian had been with her last night was somehow confirmation of all her feminine intuition had been telling her over the previous months. Her relief at his safety turned immediately to anger when he said where he was and especially with whom.

When Ian arrived home that afternoon all he wanted was a shower and some comfort food. All he got was rage. The long tirade, for it couldn’t be called a conversation, culminated in the conclusion that there was no respect, no trust and so clearly no love. Ian, in almost zombie-like state had put some clothes in a suitcase, grabbed his laptop bag, and set off to drive the short distance to the house he grew up in to escape from the infuriated Kate.

Her anger evaporated as she listened to the sound of Ian’s car reversing out of the driveway that afternoon and becoming fainter as he drove away from her and their home. She lifted her head from her hands when the car could no longer be heard and her eyes met those of Travis, their black Labrador, who had been silent the whole time. Travis proffered a paw tentatively towards Kate and it was then that she started to cry.

Ian’s first marriage ended in an amicable divorce, both parties concluding that they had married too young and, whilst good friends, were really more like brother and sister than man and wife: They parted as friends and were still in touch. Kate’s marriage ended in a more dramatic manner, her husband, Tony, had died in a skiing accident on a trip to the Italian Dolomites. His body remained missing until the Winter snow retreated some months later and a hiking party made the gruesome discovery. Neither union had yielded any offspring and neither had actively sought to replace the significant other in their lives; time had passed for each of them as they made busy with their careers.

Kate’s arrival at the office was a surprise: She had been interviewed by two of the other partners for the position of account manager since Ian was away on a sailing holiday at the time. On his return, he walked into the office with chocolates from the airport to share with everyone and went to place them on the table in the communal rest area. On looking up he saw the new girl, Kate, standing there holding a mug of tea in both hands and smiling across at him. Blonde hair, white blouse and red lipstick that matched her skirt and heels. He was instantly smitten and returned her smile as he relaxed his grip on the confectionery. They worked well together and rather than getting to know each other it was as if they already did and their time in each other’s company was spent acknowledging this fact to themselves. Before the year was out they had moved in together and that was that.

Their office building had been unable to be occupied as, following a small fire, it transpired that it needed to be completely electrically rewired to make it safe. Ian and the other partners had been promised by the contractor that the re-wire would take no more than three months, possibly less, and so it was agreed that everyone would work from home and they’d manage without renting other premises for such a short time. The contractor had worked fast and tomorrow it would be open for business as usual, but things would not be as usual since things had changed.

Kate and Ian both had a determined nature, which served them both well professionally, but manifested itself as stubborn pride in the current situation. There had been communication since the split, but most of it work-related emails, all telephone calls were so unnaturally cold. It was Kate phoning to see where the home insurance was or some other mundane domestic matter. Late one Saturday night she had sent him a picture of Travis, and a message that she thought the dog was missing him. There was no mention of similar emotion from her heart. In obstinate response to this picture he had gazed at the dog’s forlorn stare, but didn’t reply. Travis had taken to sleeping in what was now Kate’s bedroom and she felt both sad and angry that Ian had not commented on her beloved canine companion who regarded her from the bedside where he lay.

His wine glass was empty again, but Ian was not ready to sleep. The cork was quietly eased from another bottle in the kitchen; like a naughty teenager he feared the tell-tale popping sound would draw his mother down to chide him. Ian and his mother had quickly established a routine and life there was harmonious. Ian’s father had passed away almost a decade ago and, whilst his mother didn’t say, he sensed that she was happy to have his company. His anger at Kate’s lack of trust was so intense in the first few weeks, but, unable to sustain such ferocity of emotion, he had retreated to a more resigned position as the days and weeks went by. Occasionally he would suffer a flare up, but the time apart became one of introspection as his heart and head jostled together to try to heal and make sense of it all. Through it all, his mother had sensed the waves and storms in his moods and skilfully navigated this sea on which they sailed with kind words, space and love.

Kate had spent the majority of her free time with Travis and their walks had become longer, much to the dog’s delight. Her sister, Sarah, often joined these rambles on the weekends and Sunday lunch together became a thing for them. Kate had talked of nothing but her sense of betrayal to start with. Sarah, who knew her sister very well, saw this anger subside as time passed and get replaced with hurt and confusion. Why hadn’t he tried to reach out, to apologise, explain, make excuses, anything, did he really not care? Sarah could see that her younger sibling needed some sort of closure, but all she had was a sense of loss. It was also very clear that Kate still loved Ian, a lot.

Returning to the lounge with his wine, Ian resettled in his chair and resumed his ruminating on Kate. His exodus had been a knee-jerk response to his fidelity being challenged, not a planned and agreed separation. His headache on the day had demanded peace and quiet and concluded that distance was needed. Since then, Ian had come to realise that he had allowed his own happiness to become dependent on that of Kate, that he had begun to lose sight of himself in the relationship. Work was so busy and, since they lived together too, it had overflowed into the home. There was no balance between work and life, no boundaries to show where work should stop. It seemed that there had become no time just for the two of them. He saw now that he needed to love himself – after all, the most important relationship any of us can have is that with ourselves. He understood Kate’s reaction and, although she clearly thought him capable of cheating, without receiving an apology he now forgave her this misconception to bring himself peace.

First light on Monday found Travis racing back across the playing fields to Kate to deliver the tennis ball she had thrown for him. After taking a shower, doing her make up and drinking her tea whilst wrapped in a towel, she dressed and descended to the kitchen. Travis knew something was different as Kate handed him her last mouthful of toast and put the plate in the dishwasher. He was led out to the pen in the rear garden, he would not be spending the day at Kate’s feet as she sat at her laptop in the study. Before leaving, she checked her appearance in the mirror that hung in the hallway and was not displeased with the woman she saw looking back at her.

Ian’s Monday started with him being presented with poached eggs on toast and a large mug of coffee. The grey-haired lady that placed these on the kitchen table also assured him with a wry scowl that the wine he had left open could be used in her cooking. As he stepped outside and drew in the morning air, he acknowledged that he felt better than he should, given the amount of fermented grape juice he had consumed.

He spotted Kate’s car in the car park as he pulled off the road and came to a halt two bays further on. The dashboard went dark as he withdrew the key from the ignition and he released his seatbelt and sighed. He felt resolved emotionally, he was no longer angry at Kate, but he had not actually thought about what it would mean to see her again face to face. He knew it was going to happen, and happen today, but he had not considered it and he felt disbelief and a tinge of panic at his lack of mental preparedness for this moment.

Once out of the car he retrieved his laptop bag from the rear seat and slammed the door. Neal, one of the other founding partners and a good friend arrived in that moment and parked next to him. Not appreciating the diesel fumes, but grateful for the ally, Ian waited for Neal to exit his vehicle and they walked to the office chatting together across the tarmac.

Smiles and nods were exchanged with colleagues as they navigated the familiar building and arrived at their adjacent desks in the open plan office on the second floor. He noted the smell of fresh paint and after removing his jacket, plugging in his laptop and connecting the additional monitor and keyboard his thoughts turned to coffee, the effects of the red wine from last night starting to overcome the effects of the caffeine provided by his mother. He could smell coffee and hear voices as he approached the kitchen area, one of those voices belonging to Kate. Rounding the corner, he saw her in jovial conversation with Nikki, the helpful one from accounts. He drank her in as she paused, nodded to him, and spoke his name. After what seemed to him like an age, he was aware his head nodded in response and he heard the words “Kate, Nikki” leave his lips. These were chased across the space between them with the query “Any coffee left or do I need to make more?”. Nikki said there was plenty before smiling in what Ian thought was a slightly awkward manner and heading off back to her desk. “You look very well Kate” he offered to break the silence. “I’m good, been doing lots of walking” she replied as she took a mug from the cupboard and filled it with the dark brown liquid he sought. She did look well, stunning in fact. He was confronted with the realisation that she still held his desire, all of it, he didn’t want anyone else. Damn! Kate couldn’t help but smile outwardly as she observed these thoughts play out across his face. “You look very well indeed” he repeated slowly as she handed him the hot drink. He took the mug and she retook her power; he did still care, he did still want her, she was no longer hurt and confused. She just knew.

Returning to the now from the moment, Ian gathered himself and reminded Kate that they had a catch up on the Wilkins and Jefferson account at 10:30, but he had a couple of emails to send before then. Similarly present, Kate told him she’d had some ideas on that and would see him then. She smiled and walked past him with her drink. He turned as she moved and watched her retreat down the office, raising the mug to his mouth. He was then confronted by Neal, watching Ian stare after Kate, wearing a knowing grin and asking Ian if everything was alright. “I actually think it might be” Ian disclosed and, for what was the first time in a long time, found himself smiling.

The coffee Kate had poured did its job and, using his laptop as a tray, he carried a second cup and a glass of water into the meeting room just before it was time. Kate entered a few minutes later, closed the door, gently pushed her hair behind her left ear with the feminine grace he was always melted by, and sat down next to him. He breathed in her favourite perfume and gazed at her mouth, edged by those familiar red lips, before looking into her eyes and seeing the sparkle he remembered that was always so alluring. He laughed out loud and she laughed too, the electricity between them almost causing sparks. He opened his laptop and pronounced “Let’s do this!”, both of them fully aware he was not talking about Wilkins and Jefferson.