The couch suddenly feels warmer and inviting so you get out of bed, grab a bowl of popcorn and turn on the TV but your concentration is wavering as your thoughts keep drifting. You pick up your phone to check Twitter. It's a whole bunch of interesting and uninteresting things that doesn't interest you that you see. Switching to YouTube doesn't do much either. Pressing play on your laptop to continue the series you just started isn't helping too. Now, you are sitting at the pool with your earphones on at 3am because you can't sleep. Just watching the water waves move with ease and the reflection of your blank face staring back at you. Slowly, you let your legs go free into the water, the feeling of coldness hits your feet. Dermot Kennedy's outnumbered comes on and it reminds you of how outnumbered you really are, but it's different this time because there's no one out there, somewhere, like it is in the song. It's just you out here looking for ways to silence your thoughts. You know you're running from it again. You always do. It's why you are out here at the pool, it's why you just switched to your "loud music" playlist. You tell yourself it's a way for you not to feel depressed but you know you're just too scared to face reality and make plans to improve it.
"If and only if", "I wish I had", "I regret not doing that." are your top three favorite phrases. You blame yourself each passing day. You are surrounded by uncertainties. You feel empty. You just simply want to survive and not live. You let people make the choices for you and now they are turning out to be "bad choices" and you regret every single time you didn't think deeply before you went along with it. Let’s not even talk about times you even made "good" ones and it still turned out wrong.
Your phone beeps, interrupting your music and your thoughts for a second. It's a text from Jasmine saying she knows you aren't sleeping and asking how "not good" you feel right now and if she should come over. You don't reply the first question because you know it's way more than a hundred percent. You're scared that you might not taste that life you've always wanted. That your life might never be a perfect definition of fulfillment. That you might never find your purpose. In the end, you tell her you're fine and it's nothing you can't handle. You smile and shake your head because you know exactly why she's up at this ungodly hour. She's driving to the beach to see what it looks like when it's dark and not crowded by people. She does this everyday. Different beaches. Weird creature. It's 5am and it's getting increasingly cold outside. Your body feels weak. Your eyelids are finally craving sleep. You decide against going on the long walk to your room for fear of losing sleep on the way so you take the couch instead.
There's a knock on your door in the late hours of the afternoon that finally brings you back to life. After series of arhythmical groaning and stretching, you throw on a shirt and answer the door. Pizza delivery? You ask yourself if you mistakenly ordered pizza in your sleep. He ignores the look of confusion on your face and goes ahead to ask if you're Blue Cross. You nod. He hands over the pizza and you thank him. Balancing the carton in one hand, you close door with the other. Jasmine. It had to be her and you already know why. She wanted you to hang out with the group today. They look so free, like they have no worries and you can't help but admire them. The happiness they exude is so real and contagious. The aspirations they all had while growing up are either fulfilled or being fulfilled. For the first time in a while, you believe in yourself. Finally moving on from the fact that making a wrong career choice and every time you want to apply for jobs, you never get picked because you didn't study the required course won’t stop you from doing what you love.
Back in your apartment, while sipping on coffee and eating toast, you make a list of things you would've done if things had gone the way you wanted it to. But then, you realize that it's never too late to make small moves. You've always wanted to write. To be an amazing writer. To be able to connect to people on a different level through your write-ups. You start by writing how you feel tonight and look at it as a good start. Then, you continue writing daily about anything and everything that arouses your interest, sending them out to blogs and firms, asking if you can intern with them and develop your skills. Not getting any reply at all wasn't what you expected. You thought you were good enough and that everyone had recognize that but no one does. You eventually stop checking your mails for a reply or a feedback on your write-ups after forty-eight hours just as a way of dealing with your disappointment.
Tonight, you decide to take a walk. Stopping at a restaurant after, to get dinner. You notice this girl walking in all glowed up, she is wearing a shirt that says I MADE IT in bold letters and you can't help admiring that shirt until she walks past you. It's not because it's black and that is your favorite color, there's just something about it. Like it's speaking to you. Stepping out, the cool breeze hits your face and in that moment, you notice the sky is really blue tonight. the weather is chilly. All elements of nature are exploring extreme levels of happiness. Some people do not admire it but it doesn't stop nature from revealing itself. You love nature so you let it inspire a bit of positivity in you.
It makes you see things differently. It makes you want to believe more. You finally push yourself to check your mail. Hoping silently that your patience had paid off. As you check your mail, you notice a letter that makes you stop in your tracks. This couldn't be real. It felt so unreal. You open the letter and read it over and over again just to be sure you weren't hallucinating. The "congratulations" written in bold has this beautiful feel with it. You immediately imagine yourself at the office and you don't even bother about what to wear on your first day. You know exactly what to. The beautiful I MADE IT shirt you ordered just because you couldn't stop thinking about it and hung up in the left corner of your closet waiting for the right moment to unveil.
Your black stiletto heels hits the marbled floor gracefully and as you walk towards the receptionist. She gives you a very broad smile and you can't help but return it.
This is it. This is the moment. It's not about to happen. It's finally happening. Your first book is getting published. You get to also be a speechwriter and a copywriter for the firm too. You're writing and getting paid but it's not even about the money. You get to reveal yourself. That's it.
This is the perfect definition of fulfilment for you. It's a beautiful day and you can't help but feel beautiful.