hush

“Yes mom?” Fizza answered to the screeching call of her mother who was checking to see whether she was ready for her wedding reception or not. she glanced into the mirror, checked herself out from head to toe and with a look of indecisiveness, began to think. She made up a conversation in her head, as she usually did but this time it wasn’t with a celebrity or a crush of hers but rather with her creator, her mother. 

“So how do you feel now that you’re stepping into your new life?” her mother asked her. 

“Like I’m being rolled around from one foot to another, like a stone is rolled around. Those who kick it, are playing with it, unaware of the anguish they’re causing the stone.” 

“What pain have I ever caused you?” her mother asked unapologetically. 

“Oh, like you don’t know.” 

“As a matter of fact, I don’t know, all I've ever done is protect you, love you and make things easier for you and you-” 

“Make things easier for me! Easier! Is this easy? Does it appear easy to you? Going home with a man I barely know to a house I've never seen before. It might have been your fantasy to be swept off your feet by an unknown exotic man but it isn't what I want. It will never be what I want!” 

“Don’t you dare interrupt me while I'm speaking! All my life, I struggled and I struggled hard to raise you and your brothers and this is the appreciation I get? You slave and you slave for years and are still not repaid! I’m telling you if you had to live my life, you wouldn’t even survive a week.” 

“Oh, so you want me to suffocate in the same life as you did, you could’ve let me live my life my way but why would you? You think the only right way is the way you’ve been told is right. All my life I've suffered because of the mother wound you gave me, hoping that one day things will change, but I guess the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree or does it?” 

Her mother lifted her head up and with a look of fury in her eyes, screamed at Fizza. “Mother wound? So, now, I’m the bad guy? You have been nothing but ungrateful all these years and I've put up with it for long, not anymore! You want the truth? You'll get it. You think I never loved you and inflicted pain on you? Well, you were right, I loved you but I never liked you. Your billboard of a belly horrified me and taunted me every time I looked at it. I was embarrassed to be seen in public with you because everyone asked me why I let you become this huge monstrosity that you were.” 

“See, this is what I’m talking about, you’ve never loved me and I've never been able to love anyone as a result. You've ruined my life! I used to be a happy kid but now, I don’t even remember the last time I was truly happy. Congratulations mother! You have made me into who you’ve always wanted me to be. I’m no more myself, I'm a woman who was brought down by her own mother, I'm a woman who has lost herself to please others, just because of you. Hope you're happy!” 

“Happy? How can I be happy? This-” 

“Oh, please mother! Quit this fooling me! I’m not a child anymore! I can see through you, I always have. I knew it when you used to accidentally forget to add sugar to my tea and I knew it when you used to give me clothes that were a size smaller than mine, so, you could guilt trip me into thinking about myself as a weirdo or a freak. You've always hated me and I know it. All I’m saying is that even though you hated the way I looked, you should’ve supported me instead of cornering me and making me feel like I'm being bullied by my own mother.” 

“Don’t you put this on me, you’re the one responsible or your problems and not me, you could’ve changed if you wanted to, but you didn’t want to and that’s on you. I only did what I thought was right for you.” she glanced at her daughter and eyed her like she was a culprit behind the bars. 

“I can’t believe you’re starting with this again! That’s it, I’m officially done with you! I'm glad that I don’t have to live you anymore. At least I can be myself now, I wouldn’t have to live by your rules anymore. I hope one day you realize how much you’ve messed me up with your blaming and pointing. I fear how messed up my kids will be when I transfer this mother wound to them.” tears started rolling down her face and she stood up.  

She had made up her mind, she wouldn't go through with this charade of a wedding, she had to stop this here or else her kids will suffer even more than she did. She loosened her jewelry, took it off, picked up her slippers and ran down the stairs and turned to the mirror to take a good look at herself. She wanted to be sure that she’s going through with this. All the abuse that she had suffered throughout her childhood flashed in front of her eyes and she began to look determined as she was never before. 

“I am stronger than I think I am! I can and I will do this! May God give me power to go through with the decision I've made.” as she took a step towards the wedding hall to stop the wedding, she heard a voice, yes it was her mother. Her web of thoughts was trampled upon by yet another call of her mother asking her to come in the wedding hall as the wedding was about to start. Her mother asked her whether she was okay and she simply replied with a blank YES, that was all she could manage to say after all, blushing brides weren’t supposed to say anything, let alone fight. That was the last time she spoke to her mother; she had driven away from her after her wedding and maybe that was the cure for all this trauma.