The Destination

I remember the cold cloud of fog coming from her breath as she turned to look out the window. Her eyes gazed towards the inexplicable greenery before us. She was not aware. She was not aware that I’d do anything and everything for her. We always took this train. I always saw it as an opportunity to spend time with her. She just saw it as another train ride, with another friend, on another day.

His eyes were always wandering off someplace else. His strong hands covered in tattoos gave me an odd sense of comfort. It was always like this. He was always wandering off into space. Even with other people I would notice he’d be so distracted. I often think to myself that I somehow waste his time with my presence. 

Despair. I feel so much of it when I’m around him. I needed him to hold me with his warmth. This train ride begins to feel eternal. I never liked the destination. In fact I hate it. I sense he hates it too at times. 

I want her. I want to feel like we’re the only ones on this train. I don’t mind these train rides. I feel like they bring us even closer together. Other people want marriage or children, but I just want more time with her. It feels as if the destination gets closer and closer. Most of the time we sit here for what feels like forever, across from each other, on these old teared up seats, with the smells of other people entering our space. 

His eyes stare at me blankly. I want to tell him how I feel. I want him to agree to all the feelings I have for him. But nothing.

Her eyes devour mine. I think she knows. I’m almost positive she knows now. I need to tell her. 

The train suddenly stops.

The two misfits get off the train together. And there it is. There they are. Once again they’ve made it to the worse destination there is. 

The wind was freezing. I wanted to give her my jacket like a normal gentleman would. I wanted to feel her touch. I always look at her and say nothing. I never speak up. As a child I had no friends. No one understood why I sat silently. I never knew why, myself, but I was comfortable with that. She was the only one I could sit silently with. The only one who wouldn’t judge me and ask me a million questions about why I was quiet. The only one that I should’ve talked to.

He walked silently beside me. He was always quiet. I appreciated his silence. He was the only person I was genuinely comfortable with. This is why I always want him with me on the train rides. This is why I wanted him with me forever. I could sit in silence with him forever. I wanted him to know how I felt. I wanted him with me at all times. He was the only person that made me feel safe. 

As the two walked in silence, the cold air brushed past them and only made the pair colder and colder. Every single day was the same. Nothing could ever change. They would never tell each other how they felt for one another. It was always the same train, on the same seat, with the same cold air. After each train ride, they would get off at the same stop and go to the same destination. They would walk and walk and never grow tired. They never spoke. They never touched. They never questioned anything. They would only do this every single day. They walked across a large field. It almost looked as if it was once covered in flowers, but it was all frozen now. Everything was dead. The sky was always cloudy and the wind was always the same. If only they knew what each of them were thinking. If only they were given the opportunity to pour their sentiments over each other. 

We stopped walking. I could tell she was upset. In fact I always knew she was upset. She never wanted to arrive. I knew that because I didn’t like the destination so much either. I only enjoyed this because of the train rides we took together. I never wanted them to end. I could keep doing this forever. I could tell that maybe she didn’t feel the same way.

He always looked at me. Whenever we would arrive he would always stare at me with such sad eyes. I could tell he didn’t want to be here either. I really hated this part of the day. I didn’t want to leave his sight. He had the most beautiful gaze. I just wish that it had been different.

I always think maybe if we had spoken up. We would’ve gotten off the train at an earlier stop. We would’ve gone to do normal things normal people do. We would’ve gone to the theater and we would’ve seen some film we both would’ve hated. We could’ve gone home and seen each other on a different day with different clothes and different hair styles. We could’ve gone to so many more places if we hadn’t gone on that train that day. 

As the two slowly walked to their destination it felt even colder. Even if they wanted to, they couldn’t shed a single tear. They couldn’t speak up. They couldn’t really do anything differently. Even if they wanted to change everything, they simply couldn’t. They couldn’t fall in love. They couldn’t tell each other how they felt. If only they hadn’t gotten on the train that day. If only they had decided to cancel the date and go on another day. Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe the weather wouldn’t be so cold. Maybe they wouldn’t have to take this train ride everyday. 

As the night grew colder, the two slowly made their way to where they had been buried, for another day like this was yet to come.