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I am 27, working class, unemployed, single, and live with my parents. It is fair to say I've got fuck all going for me. I don't want her to see this version of me, I told myself next time I see Sarah she'll see a different person than the one I was when we finished school, someone with their shit together. But here I stand the same fuck up she dumped all those years ago. Why did she have to walk into this bar today? If I knew I would have got my hair cut, maybe hit the gym a bit more, I am nowhere near those Brad Pitt abs I've aiming for over the last decade. Instead I am sat here on a beautiful sunny day with a pint and a newspaper like an old man with nothing to do with his time. Who my age does that!? A loser, that is who.
I wouldn't say I was a bad boyfriend, I cared, always trying to put a smile on her face with dumb jokes, impressions that I would knowingly do sometimes to wind her up and was never short of time for her. Instead, much like the young man who is stood at this bar today about to have a panic attack, I didn't have my shit together. After school I had no goals, just some faint hopes of making money as a writer but too involved in seeing her or going out, getting stoned or high with my mates, wrapped up in hedonism without a thought for the future. And where most of my mates got their shit together, good jobs, long term girlfriends and eventually started families, I just sat comfortably frustrated in a rut of a life laden with excuses. The next year was always going to be the one where I found my groove but the next year always became last year all the while I'd still be stuck in the starting blocks hoping I'd soon take off. Maybe it was never meant to be for me, but I let fear of that stop me from even trying. Sarah liked to let loose too, was fun and spontaneous but at the same time had her shit together, too much so to let me be an anchor. She moved on to university while I worked my way through a few meaningless soul crushing jobs. Other than the occasional liking of a Facebook post and birthday wishes there has been barley any contact.
She is still as beautiful as I remember. Piercing green eyes that I couldn't always read, long brown hair that I'd run my hands through as she rested her head in my lap and sun kissed freckles on her face that I was a sucker for. It was short our time together but one I've not forgotten despite how much I've tried, watching Eternal Sunshine Of the spotless Mind wishing you could really erase memories that are too painful to keep, like of when she finished with me, one that still feels like punch to the gut every time I think of it.
Now she has spotted me and started to walk towards me. Still with that same insecure dorky walk I loved. Leaning against the bar I try to look as nonchalant as possible; my chest feels like it is going to rip apart like the start of a panic attack. Here come the sweaty palms. God! she's going to go for a handshake only to feel the swimming pool resting in my hand. And now my legs are turning to jelly, I wish I were sat down for this. If this goes as bad as I think it will my legs will give, I’ll collapse and there will be a splash as my hands hit the floor to break my fall, the whole bar will stare and Sarah will walk away in embarrassment. Maybe I am mistaken, maybe she's walking past me to the bathroom. Please be going to the toilet! Please be dying for a piss and have no time to talk so I can make a swift exit.
But no, Sarah is stood in front of me with a smile that could always cut me down to size, "hey".
"Hey" I say back with what feels like an all too obviously forced smile.
Then a few seconds awkward silence to make things worse. She breaks it with "Long time, how you been?"
What do I say!? I could say since you dumped me I've stumbled into one bad relationship after another hoping they'll make me feel half of the person you did, that on top of the occasional bout of depression, my life is pretty much the same mess it was when you left me. But instead I go for "not bad, how about you?"
"I'm good, working as a teacher now, just getting on by"
"That's great, I'm currently working for myself doing a lot of writing and got a few jobs I'm considering". That is for the most part a lie but Hey! What do you want from me, the truth?"
"That's Great! Nice to see you're not just sitting on your hands while you're out of work" she says with her goofy chuckle. I think she bought it.
I laugh back "Yeah, a lot of what you said all those years ago kinda had an effect of me. I should thank you." Yeah thanks for ripping my heart in two.
Her smile grows "Well you're welcome. You see the old gang much these days?"
"Now and then but we're all so busy, got a lot on my plate, really focusing on that." Jesus Christ! who am I!? I have never spewed so much shit in my life. If I was telling the truth I would say they’re too busy to waste time with me.
She smiles at me a little lost for words, "so... you seeing anyone at the moment?
Wow, I think it's working. Who knew all I had to do was lie? And hey! Maybe I'll start working harder, it clearly impresses. "Nope" I say coolly. "I'm dating but, y'know, nothing serious" Well that's obviously not true, I couldn't score an open goal at the moment.
She gives off a slight smile as my confidence grows and I press the matter "Why? you interested?"
Her smile grows as her cheeks turn pink "shut up!"
I smile back "sorry, just thought you were, I'll leave it there"
She tries to hide her shyness but it’s plain to see "well... no... that's not what I meant..."
I go again "so what did you mean?"
She stands awkward for a moment not sure what to say and then, "you still got my number?
"I do, yes"
"Well maybe give me a call sometime, we can go for a drink"
"Sounds good" I say keeping my cool.
She's now showing the same shyness I always found endearing as her eyes don't know where to look "Well... I've gotta go meet some friends, but don't be a stranger".
She leans in and gives me hug and plants a soft kiss on the cheek. she walks away, her hand running down my arm as she steps away from me. she gets to the door of the bar, looks back and leaves as I watch her go out of view through the window. I wait a second then clench my fist out of relief. My mind is racing, whooohoo! I've clearly still got it, I was as cool as a cucumber. In the bag, never in doubt, like a glove. Things may be finally turning a corner for me. I exhale feeling something I haven't felt in years. The only question is, how am I going to fuck this up?
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Hi Chris! It's great to see your first submission. I've come here from the critique circle email. I’m glad it sent me to your story. It’s been pleasurable reading this morning. But since I came here from the critique circle, I'll try my best to make a few points that are as helpful as possible.
Firstly, I like the way the story progresses. I think the ending serves well to satisfy all the points of the story that led up to it.
I think the first two sentences work perfectly. However, I do have a suggestion. Try putting “Why did she have to walk into this bar today?” as the third sentence. That way the reader knows what’s inspiring him to think about Sarah. It would introduce all the thoughts that follow. And the reader will probably guess that he’s unhappy about Sarah’s arrival in the bar simply from the way he phrases the question: “Why did she have to walk into this bar today?” Then, the reader will be set up in the right frame of mind for all the thoughts that follow.
There’s a few places where sentences could be made easier to read by following this principle: Phrases that start with “if” should end with a comma. “If I knew, I would have got my hair…” Trust me, it makes those sentence much smoother to read.
You’ve got a particularly tricky sentence here: “And where most of my mates got their shit together, good jobs, long term girlfriends and eventually started families.” I would suggest trying a long dash after “together”. Then, I’d like to point out that “good jobs” and “long term girlfriends” are “things”. On the other hand, “eventually started families” is an “action”. It is always best not to mix “things” with “actions” when they sit together in a series like they do here. To try help you get this sentence into its clearest form, I’d suggest this: “And where most of my mates got their shit together—good jobs, long term girlfriends, and eventually families.”
The paragraph of anticipation as Sarah walks toward the main character is really fun to read! His hoping that she’d walk right past is so relatable. And the sweaty palms are so relatable, too. (I’m more familiar with them when it comes time to play the guitar for anyone other than my bedroom walls. And then, thanks to the sweat, I end up dropping the pick!)
On the dialogue, there’s a couple grammar rules I hope I can share clearly, which should make your dialogue a lot smoother to read.
First, whenever a character makes a statement in dialogue, place a comma between the spoken statement and the phase like: I say.
For example:
“Hey,” I say back with what feels like an all too obviously forced smile.
Then a few seconds awkward silence to make things worse. She breaks it with, “Long time, how you been?”
Second, always capitalise the first word of any dialogue, even if it isn’t a full sentence, even if it’s a single word. That capital letter is essential.
For example: But instead I go for, “Not bad, how about you?”
(I also inserted a comma there.)
If I could suggest one more thing that’s hopefully as helpful as possible, I’d encourage you to use more periods (full-stops). This is possibly a thing of personal taste. However, I felt I should suggest it just in case it resonates with you.
This, for example, is a very long sentence:
It was short our time together but one I've not forgotten despite how much I've tried, watching Eternal Sunshine Of the spotless Mind wishing you could really erase memories that are too painful to keep, like of when she finished with me, one that still feels like punch to the gut every time I think of it.
I’d try writing it like this:
It was short, our time together. But I've not forgotten it despite how much I've tried. I watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind wishing you could really erase memories that are too painful to keep, like of when she finished with me. That one still feels like a punch to the gut every time I think of it.
Let me know if any of these comments were helpful. And please ask if I didn’t explain any of them clearly.
Good luck on all your future writing!
And I hope your characters have a happy time when they next meet.
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Hey Chris! I decided to check out one of your stories since you seem pretty new. I've gotta say this is good. A bit cheesy, romantic kind of story(in a good way, of course.)
Kudos, looking forward to reading more :)
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