Top Poop Producer

   “I thank the boss for this dinner and this award for Top Producer… Top Poop Producer… Top Poop Poop Producer. Poop Poop Pee Doo.

   “And may I say I got no help at all this year? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, very much. And thank you Mr. Timmins. Our bossy boss who made me do sales pitches to every homeless person who wandered onto our car lot.

   “And thanks to our Deceptionist, Emily, for every client she directed my way who was either a bankrupt or an ex-convict. And Jonathan, my keep-your-eye-on-your-backdoor colleague, and a great poacher of clients. He’s such a great poacher, he should be poaching… poaching… poaching eggs.   

   “And thanks to my other extinguished co-workers, Ted, and Ernie, and Marcus. Thanks for being so lousy so I could look good. And Annette…. Annette… you did alright, but you need to get out of sales before it ruins you.

   “And George… George, you need to retire before you die. Nobody can fix the junkers we sell. You’re making silk purses out of…  out of… out of a cow’s... you’re making silk purses out of cow’s dung.  

   “Ladies and gentlemen, raise a glass. To being Top Poop. Poop Poop Pee Do.” Karl raised his glass and George was by his side to catch him before he collapsed.

   “I don’t like his color.” Ernie said.

   “Ernie!”

   “No, boss, I mean, he looks pale. Sort of. And that sweating can’t be good.”

   “Ted, help George get him to the restrooms. I got to pay for the buffet. We’re lucky they had a private room for us. We’re not doing the cake. Someone want to take it home? We’ll have a meeting on this on Monday.”

   On the following Tuesday Emily visited Karl in his high-rise condo in the downtown core. “You’re going to lose this place. You’re going to lose everything you ever worked for. Everyone knows you can outsell everyone. You don’t have to rub their noses in it, or mine.”

   “What’s Mr. Timmins saying?”

   “He’s worried about you. We all care about you. He’s willing to consider you returning if you get into some sort of program. You’ve got to stop drinking.”

   Karl nodded.

   “I wrote letters of apology for you to everyone.”

   Karl signed them without looking, except for the last.

   “This is to you?”

   “Yes. Don’t you remember what you said? Don’t you think I’m entitled to an apology, too?”

   “Yeah, sorry.”

   He dutifully signed and Emily scooped them up and left.

   Two months later Karl returned to his job.

   “I can’t say we don’t need the sales help, but I have to know nothing like that is ever going to happen again.”

   “No, boss. No booze. Sixty days, so far.”

   “Good, go get them.”

   But Karl did not go get them. For the next two months it seemed that Karl was closing few pitches. He wasn’t slick, he wasn’t confident. His killer instinct was gone. Marcus went around the lot saying that the boss should buy Karl a drink to improve sales, until George threatened to brain Marcus with a socket wrench.

   After his sixth month sobriety anniversary, Karl began approaching each co-worker one on one.

   “So, part of the meetings I attend require that I make amends, so I apologize for the way I spoke about you at the dinner.” Karl basically said the same thing to each co-worker, changing the name as applicable.

   Emily pointed out that Karl did not need to apologize again as she already had his letter of apology earlier that year, and so did everyone else. Emily also asked if Karl would like to have copies of his letters of apology to take back to his program and show them as proof. Karl declined.

   On the eighth month Karl was closing sales again. He wasn’t his old self. He wasn’t flashy or sharp. He was sincere and deliberate. He also sold his condo and moved to a quieter modest apartment near the east end of town.

   On the tenth month sales were down overall for the year and the big push was on. Karl took the last two Sales Person of the Month Prizes. He was no longer selling the most expensive cars on the lot, but was more than making up for sales in the volume of cheaper affordable cars he was able to turn over.

   Finally, the year end Top Producer Award Dinner came up again and Karl was the winner once more.

   “First, I want to thank our boss for giving me a second chance. Last year at this time I had one of the worst nights of my life as you all know. Not you, Aaron, because you’re new, but I was quite a mess at this time last year. I am thankful for this dinner and this award for Top Producer.

   “I am grateful to Mr. Timmins for insisting that I clean myself up. I have to tell you one of the things they teach in the program I joined was getting sober doesn’t fix all your problems.

   “And now that I’ve been sober for three hundred and sixty-four days, I want to tell you as far as the job goes, nothing has changed. The boss and Emily still refer all the homeless and bankrupts to me because you lazy jerks, Ernie, Ted, and Marcus, won’t pitch anyone who doesn’t look like they make at least fifty thousand a year. And Jonathan, stop trying to steal other people’s clients, you’re a terrible closer. You’re losing the business money. If you weren’t related Mr. Timmins, he would have fired you years ago. And Annette, I really wish you had quit this place, but I’m sorry, I think you’re turning into a poacher, too. And that’s going to be a problem for you because you’re not even related to Mr. Timmins. And George… come here, George.” Karl handed him the silver painted hot wheel car on a plaque. “You’re the real Top Producer here. You’re the only reason I don’t feel completely full of crap when I sell one of our used cars. Thanks, George. Thank you everyone, and goodnight.”

   The following Monday Karl found himself in Mr. Timmins’ office.

   “I should suspend you for that speech, but we took too big of hit when you were away the last time, so, I’m just going to make it a warning. I’ve already told the staff you’ve apologized in private for everything. Emily is doing up letters of apology to everyone for you to sign.”

   “Yeah? Yeah, sure boss.”

   “Let’s try to put this behind us. You get out there now.”