Us

Leaves rustled against the branch when the cool breeze passed by, the sky was colored bright blue and decorated by white fluffy cotton clouds. The ground was soft beneath my sneakers, the only sound I could hear was the creaking of the chains that held the swing up. 

The park was empty, no other living soul was around. A few bikers drove by, their legs paddling endlessly on the paddles, the fallen leaves crunching underneath the tires. I watched as a butterfly flew away from the neatly trimmed dewy grass. 

If I closed my eyes, I could almost feel the joy, hear the laughter and the empty promises that were said. Memories flooded my head both good and bad ones. His hand on mine, our foreheads touching his breath against my face.

“Hey” 

That voice…

“It’s been a while”

It sure has

“I did that for you!” He yelled, his eyes wide and begging but I couldn’t give in I can no longer give in. I’m tired.

“You did that for yourself! Because you knew that if it all went out, everything would go downhill” My hands formed into fists, I could feel my whole body trembling 

“You decided on your own without going to me, how do you think that would look like to me?”

“How are you?” I didn’t turn around, I felt his gaze on the side of my head. Even now, I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him, until now he still had that effect on me. 

“I’m fine, how about you?” I croaked

“I’m good” 

Silence enveloped us both, the wind blew stronger as a single leaf flew and it landed by my feet. Momentarily we were both still, staring into the void.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled, too low to hear from a distance but loud enough for me to understand. 

“It was a long time ago, it doesn’t matter now” I chuckled weakly

“But it is, remember? It is important”

My breath caught inside my throat, I swallowed down the lump that formed. The reminiscence of that very day played like a cassette tape that I desperately tried so hard to claw out of my head. 

“I never cared about any of this” I waved around his huge penthouse

“Nor what they say about me, all I cared about is you. Us” My voice cracked at the end, I covered my mouth with my hand. I was gonna cry, and I never cried like this, not in front of him.

“That was the only important thing for me, but I guess it wasn’t the same with you” I kept my voice steady when I spoke, digging my nails into my palms to feel the physical pain rather the agony inside me

“That’s not true” He defended himself

“But why does it feel like it?” I half-whispered

“Then I’m sorry too” I replied, looking down at my shoes and noticed that I was digging them unconsciously into the dirt the edges were turning brown

“Don’t be, what you said that night.” he paused, I heard him suck in a deep breath before he continued, the chains rattled when he moved

“You were right, you always were, I just realized it now”

“But you were too, I know if I was in your shoes I would do it too” My heart hammered against my chest, I could feel every beat and it vibrated throughout my body

It’s funny how we were totally on polar opposites before, and now here we were. Our eyes opening and our minds finally absorbing and understanding the words we both once said. I guess that is what time can do to you, you realize some things that your mind chose to block at that time because of your emotions overcoming you.

“Everything I said before that night, everything was true. What I felt was genuine and I hope you know that” 

I nodded, still not looking at him “I know, because it’s the same with me” 

“I don’t understand” he whispered to himself. One look at his frantic eyes I knew he felt lost. He knew that he was defeated. My hands itched to reach out to him, to shower him kisses and wrap my arms tight around him, and tell him that we were both fine. But we were not were we?

“I thought you love me?”

“I do!” I practically yelled

“I love you so much that” I paused, the tears cascaded down my face in a continuous flow, my lips trembled. 

“That I’m willing to do anything to help you, even if it means that I have to let you go” 

I cleared my throat, shaking that memory away

“Did you ever...regret us?” I asked

“No” he answered immediately, disbelief tracing his voice

“Of course not, it’s us we’re talking about. I don’t regret anything. Why?” the question hangs into the air, the tension almost growing thick that emanated from him

“Do you?”

The memories played against my will, the struggles and difficulties that came with loving him, the devastation that filled me at the moment I opened the door of his home and closed it behind me. The sleepless nights after that, my pillows drenched from tears, the days after days of isolating myself from the people around me.

I couldn’t bear to hear anything that they say about him, whether he was doing great or not. I just can’t take it. 

The ache my heart had felt made me clutched onto my chest as if I could keep it from shattering into pieces. The answer was clear as the sky above us.

“Never,” 

I finally met his eyes, the very same pair that looked at me with so much admiration as if I was the only person he sees.

I would do it all over again if I can, it may have been painful but those sorrowful memories were clouded by the joy I felt whenever I was with him. After all, this is us we are talking about.