Words Fall Out

Words Fall Out

“For two years you have done nothing else but put all your attention, effort, and motives into meeting this girl. For TWO YEARS you’ve been filling your head with the cheesiest and Hollywood-brand romantic daydreams and keeping yourself awake at night thinking about her. Raz, for two years I’ve endured all your wishful babble about how you’re gonna propose to her, when you’ll marry her, and what names you’re gonna name your children. I’m your best friend, Raz, and your wing-woman! But all you did for TWO DAMN YEARS is attempt and fail pathetically. I mean I’m sorry if this is hurtful, Raz, but goddamn you can’t even say hi to her! You always keep saying that you’ll wait for the opportune moment BUT I AM SICK of hearing your bullshit, Raz. You were waiting for the ‘opportune moment’? WELL NOW IT’S HERE. She is literally right outside waiting for you and now that I’ve literally spoon-fed that chance to you, you choose to be a coward and lock yourself in the school’s bathroom stall??? UGH. Come on, Raz, please! Do yourself a favor! Come on, buddy… will you really stay here, be a coward, and spend your life regretting what could have been? Or will you grow a pair and just talk to her?”

A silence reverbed throughout the bathroom stalls for a few good moments. And then, I spoke with most sureness and sincerest of heart, “…I’ll choose the former please.”

“Oh fuck you.”

2 YEARS EARLIER

It started at the very first day of our senior years. Veronica and I had agreed to make the most out of the last two years of our high school life. She suggested that we should have an ultimate goal that we’d try to reach during this two year period filled with unwise decisions, self-humiliation, and overall cringe that we’d look back decades from now and say “God, why did we do that?”

Veronica’s ultimate goal was to find herself the “perfect boyfriend”. Although I doubted her perfect version of a guy aligned with what the modern human male can offer realistically. She is fond of KDRAMAs, progesterone-fueled wattpad stories, and 2000’s romantic rock ballads. So at the time I’d figured that Veronica was attempting to pursue a fruitless endeavor. My goal however was… well to be honest I didn’t have one, yet.

When the first ring of the school bell that school year rung, a cluster of unfamiliar faces flooded the halls. Each and every one was trying to get to point A to point B, which without uncoordinated guidance resulted in the halls becoming a mighty river and trying to navigate through it was futile. What’s worse is that the sheer amount of students that crowded the halls obscured my sight like fine sand in murky waters. After the crowd dispersed and the sand settled down, the water became crystal clear, and it was then that I saw her. Words could not describe how beautiful she is…well maybe except these couple of sentences:

Her fair skin, luminous as it is, enticed me to long the moment when I could feel the sensation of smoothness and softness it offered. Her eyes were the color of the earth, two deep holes that I’m afraid I’ve already fallen into. Her silky hair glossed at the gentle touch of dayli- okay maybe that’s too much. I’m a picky person when it comes to crushes so take my word for it that she’s hella cute. There when I saw her, walking towards me, head down, but looking up right when we’re about to pass each other. That was the first out of many times that our eyes would meet. That moment I knew what my ultimate goal was: her.

How will I achieve this goal you may ask? Haha! Simple. Introducing Raz’s 3 Step Guide Into Making This Total Stranger Magically Fall In Love With Me:

Step 1: Befriend Her

All romances start with comfortable familiarity, once we’re friends step 2 will be much easier.

Step 2: Make Her Fall For Me

No subtext needed, my charming eyes and dazzling smile paired with my adorkable personality is sure to enchant her in no time. And when she is, proceed with step 3.

Step 3: Confess Your Undying Love to Her

After an evening of romantic innuendo bring her to the beach and play Sleep Walk (Instrumental) by Santo & Johnny. Swayed by the slow and pleasant melodies of the song, ask her to slow dance, bare so the soft sand can caress your feet. Whist moving along the music, stare deeply into her eyes and confess your love under the blanket of the pale moon. Then kiss with immense passion.

Congrats, you romantic bastard! You’ve captured her heart and forever engraved your name on it.

But…as you’ve probably guessed. I couldn’t even complete step 1.

Now, I’ve had crushes in the past but they either only lasted for a short amount of time, or stopped when the other person started liking me back (yes I know this is peak douchebaggery) but all of them summed up could not amount to what I felt for her. And it only grew as time went on. I found myself daydreaming about her more and more until it became a daily routine. Wake up. Think about her. Sleep. Literally.

But I only realized how bad it was when I saw her in person. Just the mere sight of her turned my ears into an awful shade of red, my body would be petrified while a weird tingly-warm feeling would swallow me, and I found that I was holding my breath until she walked out of my sight.

“Shit. I think I’m actually in love.”

Veronica choked on her burger and flapped her hand gesturing to pass her my can of coke, as hers was already empty. After 3 big gulps and a carbonated sigh later,

“Whoa, dude… are you like, sure it’s ‘love’?”

“I have never felt this way for anyone before” That was true. “It’s like my body is being subjected to 4 different torture methods simultaneously whenever I see her.”

“You got it bad, my friend.” She said sipping my can of coke. “So can you point her out for me?” She asked looking at the other people in the cafeteria with us.

“She’s not here.” I said with certainty, by this point I could take one glance at a crowd and decide in a millisecond if she was one of the faces.

“Well tell me her name then! I’ll just stalk her online.”

“Ehehe here’s the thing. Actually-”

“You don’t know her name.”

“…”

“You don’t know anything about her.”

“Well yeah but-”

“You said you were in love but she’s a total stranger to you. HAHA

This is gonna end well.”

And I can assure you, dear readers, that it did not end well.

I would not learn her name not until two months since I saw her. Everyone was in the school gymnasium. It was time to elect the new student government officials. I obviously scanned the whole building so I can at least sit near her but I couldn’t seem to spot her. Though when the election started, I was greeted with a pleasant surprise. There she was, in the center of the basketball court along with the other candidates.

She was apparently running for school secretary (the responsible type) and when it was her turn to give a speech for candidacy, I finally heard her voice. I’d say it was like music to my ears but that would be cliché. Though I can’t lie, I did get Goosebumps. She had a soft but serious voice and as she spoke the words melted together into sweet gibberish when it entered my ears. And I could only make out one thing from her speech, her name was “Angeli” I whispered longingly to myself. She won that election by the way but I was still not any closer to winning her.

The two years filled with mishaps and misadventures that Veronica and I spent trying to achieve our ultimate goal deserves a more lengthy narrative (which I will procure soon). But as our senior years drew closer to an end my feelings for Angeli only got worse. Everyone keeps saying I should just talk to her and yes I do know that but as a person who overthinks the smallest of things my mind is incapable of deciding which words I should speak. And even if I did plan ahead it won’t matter because when I’m actually near her the only thing I can think of is “Fuck, Angeli you’re so gorgeous would you like to spend the rest of your life with me?” I know, yikes.

I heard that Angeli was moving away for college. And with only 2 weeks left before graduation I think I’ve come to terms that I’ll never really talk to her. Still I feel like I’ve broken my own heart. Not like tragically but with regret and self-loathing.

“This crush will eventually fade away right?” I asked Veronica.

“Hmm, I can’t say, Raz. You got it pretty bad.”

“Ugghh, what am I supposed to do? I don’t even want to date her anymore. I just want these feelings to stop.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s driving me crazy, LITERALLY. Maybe I am love-struck but I’m sane enough to admit this is getting unhealthy.” It was getting unhealthy. I was stuck in my own daydreams. I was always distracted. And I CANNOT stop thinking about her. I guess Veronica could tell I was suffering. Maybe that’s why she did this:

“Okay what if I told you that there was a way to get rid of these feelings once and for all? Would you do it?”

“In a heartbeat.”

“Really?”

“I’d do anything if it means freedom from this obsession.”

“Okay then.” Veronica stood up from the bench and walked away.

“Wait where are you going!?” But she didn’t answer nor look back. I was confused until I saw where she was headed. Sitting alone near the school fountain was Angeli’s best friend, Anna. Oh no. Veronica waved her hands to get attention and when she did she introduced herself. They talked but I was too far to hear what they were saying. After a while they both looked at me and smiled. Oh no. Then she walked back.

“What did you say to her?” I asked, my tone dead serious.

“Oh nothing.”

“Veronica, What. Did. You. Say to her.”

“I asked her to tell Angeli that you wanted to meet her”

“oh FUCK NO”

           FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF

“Oh, fuck you. I thought you said you’d do anything.”

“Uh yeah but the main problem is that I CAN’T FREAKING TALK TO HER.”

“RAZ, YOU NEED TO TRUST ME. I mean think about it! This is a win-win situation for you! If you confess to her now she might actually give you a chance. And if she doesn’t you can finally let go of your feelings!”

“But I can’t talk to her! My brain just doesn’t function when I’m near her! I can’t get out of my own head. She makes me feel so nervous I’d rather swim in a pool of piranhas than be in a room with her. I’ll just make a fool out of myself.”

“Raz, I get that this is hard for you, but it’s for your own good. Look buddy, instead of making your ultimate goal her, you can make your ultimate goal you.”

“Huh?"

“Be confident for yourself dude! I mean, any girl would be lucky if they have someone like Raz getting all worked up about them.” I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was smiling on the other side of this stall. I was silent. I honestly felt like crying. I know I’m so pathetic. I just have so many things I wanna tell her, or at least I feel like there are. I’m…such a coward.

“Okay” She sighed. “I’ll just tell them that you needed to go home early.” I heard her footsteps tap away, then the slow creak of an opening door and creaking back to close.

           “WAIT!”

           “…”

I opened the stall. I got up. Took a deep breath. And walked to the school fountain with Veronica.

 Raz’s 1-Step Guide to Growing A Pair

           Step 1

           JUST DO IT

We were getting closer to the fountain. I could see her and Anna in the distance. I felt like turning back and walking away just like all the other times but I pressed on. The closer we got the more I could feel my legs starting to shake. The more my chest tightened. And the more my mind kept screaming “STOP” but I drowned it out by thinking and repeating to myself “Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.” She’s looking at me. She’s right in front of me. I took a deep breath.

Hi there! This must be so awkward.

“Hi.” Fuck, I said that too formally.

 “Uh, hi” She smiled.

I’m really sorry for bothering you right now and all the other times before

“I’m…sorry” I said. She looked at me confused. I am too.

For two years I’ve had the biggest crush on you. And I just wanna tell you now that I really like you

“I really like you.” My ears turn from red to crimson.

But I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you all this time. You just make me so nervous I can’t get out of my own head to even just saying hi to you

“But- you make me so nervous…I couldn’t talk to you”

I can’t explain it but I’m drawn to you but whenever you’re close I feel like jumping out of the nearest window.

“I wanna be near you but I can’t physically stand it.”

Maybe I just have it really bad for you, Angeli. But I know that you’re basically a stranger to me. So I’ve trying to get to know you these past 2 years

“I just really like you a lot. And I know that sounds odd coming from a stranger. So I wanna know you better.”

I just want to be friends with you      

“I just want to be friends with you”

At this point I was visibly shaking, my voice sounds like I’m being held at gun point. And my heart feels like it’s about to explode.

“Okay” she said. “Let’s be friends.” Then she reached her hand out. I held and shook it. It was the softest. But it was also cold. Nervous-cold. Then I noticed her knees were also shaking. I’ve been avoiding looking at her face but now that I’m starting right at it, she’s as red as me. We shook hands for an awkward amount of time and both laughed at us being flustered.

Though our conversation would be cut short because she had something to do first, but she did promise she’ll talk to me when she’s free. We waved goodbye and when she was out of sight Veronica immediately jumped on me and exclaimed “You bastard! You finally did it! I’m so proud of you!”

My knees kept shaking for the rest of the day (In which Veronica constantly made fun of) and I kept breathing heavily. Though I do wanna say it was a pleasant surprise when I got home and looked at my mirror. I realized that I was smiling non-stop. I guess I did finally do it. I was always trying to string the best possible words together to say to her. But I never realized until today that sometimes saying less is saying more.

If you’re wondering, Veronica did eventually get her “perfect boyfriend” but not until she overcame something. And that encounter with Angeli wasn’t the last of my troubles with romance. But those are stories for another time.