The Letter

“Uh, Ingrid, can I talk to you real quick?”

“What is it Adam? I have English with Mr. P and I can’t be late.”

“I know, I’ll be quick.”

“Well?” she inquired, turning on the spot to face me. I knew she wouldn’t want to talk to me, but I also know she wouldn’t say no if I asked, “What is it?”

My fingers slid into the front pocket of my hoodie, locating the item in question. A tightly folded piece of paper in the shape of a square. I closed the note in my right hand feeling the points of the corners against my palm and middle finger. I was hesitant, but I knew I had to deliver it now or I never would. 

“Adam?” she questioned impatiently. 

“This is for you, he wanted you to have it.” I muttered and thrusted the note out towards her. I couldn’t maintain eye contact with her longer than a few seconds at a time. She let me stand there, not taking the note from me. It was excruciating. 

“What is that?” Ingrid finally responded, still not showing any sign of taking it. 

“It’s a note, it’s for you. Just take it.” I begged, humiliated and paranoid that others were watching our interaction, and they most certainly were.

“No, whatever you have to say to me just say it.” she shot back at me, crossing her arms and closing herself off from me. 

“It’s not from me.” I explained turning the folded note over in my hand, exposing the lettering on the back of the note along its folded creases. 

Ingrid recognized the printing immediately and covered her mouth to hide her shock. Her eyes widened and started to water up. The school hallway grew silent and all eyes were on us. This was exactly what everyone at school was waiting for. The long awaited confrontation between the accused and the afflicted. The last thing I wanted to do was to entertain the masses, but I didn’t have a choice at this point. 

“Where did you get this?” Ingrid choked on her words, finally accepting the note. “Why did you have this? Did Holden give this to you?”

“Yes, he did. And no, I haven’t read it. Holden made me promise I would give it to you. Specifically in person. I’m sorry I waited until now, I haven’t had the chance-”

 “Thank you,” Ingrid cut me off, thankfully. 

“Yeah, no worries, I better head off.” I scratched the back of my head shrugged my backpack back on my shoulder. I shoved my hands back into my hoodie pocket, nervously trying to back out of this conversation and away from the burning eyes of the student body.

I tore away, pushing past several peers who stood their ground unsatisfied with the show and uncomfortable with my presence her at school. I was innocent until proven guilty, but the jury of my classmates have already passed their verdict, and it wasn’t in my favour. I get into one fight a few weeks ago and threaten to kill a bunch of jocks, and now one dies and the other two are not expected to make it. I could hear the murmured curses as I passed down the hall and out into the concourse of the school’s foyer. In a building physically full of people, I never felt more alone and isolated than I did right now. 

I felt that everyone was expecting some sort of apology from me. They wanted a confession, they wanted something tangible that they can hold on to. They were trying to make sense or at least come to terms with what little information they had to work with. I owed them nothing, but they expected me to provide them with answers and above all, an explanation for two teens in critical condition in the ICU, and one being prepared for his burial. 

“Hey, Adam.” I heard a voice ahead of me call out, “let’s chat.” 

I looked up to see Peter Stang making his way towards me. His eyebrows furrowed and his nostrils flared. That was enough of a warning to instinctively cut left and head into the library to escape. He trailed me, and dragged me by my backpack down a row of bookshelves. Peter had a temper, one that if not checked or channelled into something more productive could be the source of a lot of uncharted physical aggression. However, I had recently proven myself capable of holding my own in situations like this. It cost me a week’s suspension, but it was worth every day of it. 

“Something on your mind, Pete?” I passively inquired wrenching my backpack out of his grasp and turning around to face him. Unlike Ingrid, I could stare Peter down without deviation. 

“Yeah, actually there is.” Peter replied, stepping up into Adam’s face. I could hear his knuckles crack, aching for action.

“I can’t help you Pete.” I insisted.

“But, I think you can.” he pushed, refusing to step down. “You’re a piece of trash, just like your-”

“Adam? You’re needed in the office. Mrs. Davis is looking to speak with you.” the Mrs. Lyon, the librarian, interrupted in a timely fashion. Peter stepped back and I slid around him and out of the library, aimlessly drifting towards the office on auto pilot. Peter might have got the best of me today if it came down to another fight; I think I might have liked it if he did. Instead, my fate led me to Mrs. Davis. 

I was ushered straight into the principal’s office the moment I arrived, but she wasn’t there. Instead, I sat alone waiting for someone to join me. At this point, I could be waiting for anyone to walk in and question me next. Secrets are currency, and when people think you are keeping one they will go to any length to retrieve it for themselves. A secret is never safe, it’s an all consuming virus. The only secret I kept was a junior high styled hand written note from a dead guy to his very much alive girlfriend, but it was no longer my concern. I did my part, but it wasn’t enough clearly. I still had to answer to someone. 

The door opened, and Ingrid stepped in, closing the door behind her. The dreaded note still clutched in her hand, but now opened and bent in every which angle from the compact folding pattern of the note. She pulled one of Mrs. Davis’s chairs right up to the one I occupied and straightened out the note the best she could.

“Where is Mrs. Davis? I thought you had English? What are we doing here?” I pleaded, praying to finally be freed of this burden.

“I know, I asked Mrs. Davis if we could borrow her office for privacy. I started reading the letter, but the first thing Holden wrote was that he wanted you here when I read it.”

Why couldn’t he have just left me alone. He had done an incredible job doing exactly that for years. Then he randomly pops up in my messages, invites me over for the weekend, asks me to do a favour and deliver a letter to his girlfriend. Now this!   

“I’m sure whatever he wrote is private. I don’t need to be here.” I faked smiled, pulling myself to my feet and making my way to leave. I had no interest in hearing what he wrote. 

Ingrid grabbed my hand, pulling me back before I could get too far. “No, please Adam. You gave it to me, the least you can do is to let me read it with you. You can at least can give me that can’t you?”

I sat back down, clutching my backpack to my chest. “Fine. but I hardly knew Holden.”

“But you did know him, at some point. You two were friends.” Ingrid half asked, half stated.

“We were, I guess. We grew apart, that is what people do.” 

“I never knew that. I mean, I knew you two were somewhat friendly.”

“Years ago. Let’s hear it. Like I said, I doubt I will be much help.”

Ingrid unfolded the double sided page, holding it up to read out loud. 

Friday, December 6th

Ingrid,

Before you read this, please stop Adam from running off. You will need him. He will run, but I also know he will help you, because you will need it. I want to start with apologizing, to both of you. 

Ingrid, you got me. The moment I met you, I knew you would get me. But you won’t understand why I had to do what I had to do. That is why I am hoping Adam is here when you read this. 

Adam, I apologize for bringing you into this. I know you’re probably living in your own personal nightmare because of me, I am sorry. Thank you for getting this letter to Ingrid and being here for her. 

I am planning to kill Kyle and Richard, and by the time you read this letter I hope they are dead. This also means I’m dead. My goal is to drive the three of us off the highway bridge and take the two of them out with me.   

Ingrid, you told me we were too young to be in love. That love was a construct of some corporation trying to profit off the middle class of society. I still don’t think you had an idea what you meant by that; I certainly did not, but I loved you nonetheless. 

I love you more than you will ever let me say. You didn’t want to believe me when I tried to tell you in person, and now my last resort is to write it here and allow my actions to speak for themselves. Both of you had recently asked me what was wrong with me. I couldn’t find the words to tell either of you.  

Adam, we were inseparable as kids. We’re still kids, really. I told you everything and we did everything together. We were brothers, man. One of my biggest regrets in life was drifting away from you. I think I thought that Ingrid would fill that hole in my life, and in many ways she did. Then I lived with the justification that we didn’t need each other and that we were in different phases of our lives heading in different directions and wanting different things. Ingrid, you were my everything; but, Adam felt like blood to me. I know you were shocked when I invited you over for dinner last week, Adam. I also knew you wouldn’t say no. That’s just who you are.

Here’s what you don’t know. I invited you over to my house, Adam because I needed you the clear the air after I die. I went out with the boys back in October after the teams big win. Kyle, Richard, Peter, and I went to the docks to party, that was when Kyle and Richard confessed to abusing and taking advantage of a girl at Peter’s homecoming party. It didn’t take long for me to put everything together and my heart shattered. 

Ingrid stopped. I looked her straight in the eyes and without speaking, I received the confirmation that Holden was talking about her. Then I understood why I was there. Holden needed me to do exactly what Ingrid did for him. He gave me his suicide letter with the intention that I would be there to help soften the blow for Ingrid, when she learned why he did it. He wanted me to be what I always was for him, a friend.