I STOPPED BY TO SEE MY MOM

I STOPPED BY TO SEE MOM

I was a mess. I’d taken college prep courses through my junior year, but when I sat down with my Mom to pick courses for my senior year, I had a surprise. 

“I can’t send you to college, ask your Dad, but you better take some secretarial courses this year. Why’d you ever think I could send you to college?”

I asked my Dad. “College? No. I’ll send you to beauty school. Your sister’s doing good there.”

“But you sent John to college!”

“He’s a boy, you are just a girl.”

I got a D in typing, topping out at twenty-five words a minute. 

I wasn’t your typical high school graduate mess of the 60’s. I was a Midwest mess. I attended every class, did all my homework, never attended a party or got asked on a date. I didn’t get asked to a sock-hop or a school dance, I didn’t get to go to my prom. I went to church, I didn’t cuss or disrespect authority, I enjoyed school. I wasn’t a toad or fat, far from it. 38-26-38, 140, 5’7”, hazel eyes, freckles, light reddish-blonde long hair. Not bad. I was even on the friendly periphery of nearly every clique in school, but never a member of any. I was just a typical Midwest good girl mess with no friends, no prospects and not much hope.

At the end of a temporary summer job, Mom decided she was sick of working 3^rd shift as a police dispatcher at our small-town department and jumped at the chance to move to first shift when that dispatcher retired. My uncle was chief, so I was pretty much a shoo-in for Mom’s job. With the money I had made at that summer job I was able to buy a car, 1956 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, $500 bucks. I still can’t believe my first car was a Cadillac. It was grey and drove like a tank, but it was mine.

The cops would spot me coming into work and radio the passing of the grey ghost. I loved dispatching, I was treated like a person, I was appreciated, I made good coffee, not swill. I had adult conversations with men. There was Mac, tall, heavy set, dark haired, deep dark brown eyes, with a smile that lit up his face and sweet disposition. Ken also had dark hair and eyes, but was thin and shorter, very serious and intense. Dan was the only blonde in the group, tall and blue eyed. He was very quiet but with a hysterically dry sense of humor and was quite a cartoonist. 

Then, there was Jim, 5”10”, slight hunch to his shoulders, sharp-nosed, thin-lipped, bald, gray eyes and wore glasses. Of all of them he was the sweetest. He was always teaching me about police procedure, criminal law, and guns. I learned a lot from him. We became friends.

He asked me to step into the darkened Chief’s office one evening when he had come in for a coffee break. 

What’d ya need?” I asked reaching for the light switch.

“Don’t,” he said. “Come here.”

I walk over to where he was leaning against the desk. He took my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. My heart was in my throat, I was afraid of what might be next.

“I like you, a lot. I want to kiss you. Can I do that?”

I’d never been kissed, well my dog, but… I nodded my head.

He stood up and leaned in. He smelled like aftershave, and a breath mint. He kissed me, softly and looked into my eyes, then kissed me again. I melted into him and the kiss became more intense and I felt his tongue slip along my lips and into my mouth. Intriguing and I played back. He pulled away. I stepped back.

He took my hands, “Are you sure you want to do this? I’m married, I’ve got three kids and I love my wife. I’ll never leave her. I love you too, and I want you, but I’ll never leave her, I love her, I love my kids.”

‘Tell him no,’ I thought. ‘There’s no win in this, this is going to hurt you. This is wrong, this is adultery!’ 

“Yes, I’m sure,” I heard myself say and I meant it.

“I won’t change my mind about them. If you say no, it’s okay and I won’t say or do anything more.”

“I know. My eyes are wide open.” I needed to be loved.

He pulled me into an embrace, and we kissed passionately. Then I broke away and stepped back.

“I won’t give you my virginity. That won’t be yours, anything else, but that is mine and I’m keeping it, for my husband. Do you still want to do this?”

He smiled at me, “Yes,” he said pulling close again, “I want this, I want you.”

And so, my love affair began, and I learned a lot from Jim. In quiet dark places I was explored and was able to explore. We’d park on lonely lanes along farm fields. Cops know the most secreted places at night. I discovered the back seat of my Cadi was cavernous and quite accommodating. I discovered my sexuality, what I liked and what I didn’t. I discovered the intricacies of a man’s body. I learned that I was beautiful and that I was okay just the way I was, there was nothing wrong with me, and I wasn’t a mess. We talked a lot and told raunchy jokes and truly enjoyed our time together. I thought about wanting to budge on my requirement. but he said he wouldn’t let me, he said he couldn’t. That was good, I would have regretted it. Our last time together we went to a hotel, but I had to pay for it, and I woke up alone. I realized that I always would.

At the station one night not long after that, while I was putting on more coffee, I overheard Mac and Ken talking in the squad room.

“I figured he would eventually,” Mac said disgustedly

“She’s that red headed waitress at the café on the square in Gantford.”

“What was he screwing around with her for? She’s screwed half the county.”

I thought they were talking about Dan. Dan was sterile, openly sterile, and screwing around behind his wife’s back.

“Well, he’s in it now, she’s pregnant and Angie better not find out or he’ll lose his kids.” Ken scoffed. “Jackass.”

I nearly dropped the coffee pot. My heart exploded. Angie was Jim’s wife! I quietly left the coffee room and went back to my dispatch station. I sat down, then got up and walked into the chief’s office. Tears came, but I couldn’t stay in there, not there. I wiped my face and called to the squad room that I was going to the bathroom. I left the department offices and used the bathroom in the public hallway.

There I let the tears come and then the anger. I used every curse word I’d heard over the past two years. He loved me, yeah right. No more. Thank God I didn’t budge, it wasn’t me who was pregnant. I’d never felt so angry, so betrayed. I eventually collected myself and finished my shift. I greeted Mom as normally as I could when she relieved me and left.

When I got home, the house was empty, my younger sister had already left for school. I don’t know how I was able to sleep, emotionally exhausted I guess, but I did. That evening, I went to Mom on the sofa and just sat with her and cried. She held me and asked me what was wrong. I just shook my head. I never told her anything and she never asked me again. I figured she already knew.

During the next couple days, I took stock. I added it up. Two years wasted on a lost cause. Hugs, kisses, and touching at the station, but only six naked stolen ‘dates’ and all kinds of excuses in two wasted years. I was done! I needed out! I needed a different job. I explained this to Jim the next time I saw him. I told him to help me find a job.

I found it, dispatching at another larger police department, where the cops all thought I was easy. Cops are worse than old ladies with gossip. I told most of them to get lost, a few I went out with. I even liked one of them until I called him at home and his wife answered. What did I have, a sign on my back? “Hurt this woman.” I was done with cops.

I stopped by to see my Mom at the PD on a day off. Jim was a detective by then and he was having a meeting with some State Bureau of Investigation Agents. I walk by his office and asked if I could bring anyone some coffee. The most gorgeous blue eyes looked up at me from a handsome bearded face and he was bald too.

He stood, smiled and told me, “None for me thanks. I never touch the stuff, makes your hair fall out.”

I laughed. He looked into my eyes and smiled again. “But thanks for asking, I’m Danny,” and he shook my hand. 

I got lost in those blue eyes. My heart skipped and I thought to myself, ‘I want this guy.’

They didn’t stay too long and when they left, I pumped Jim for information. “No, he’s not married, no girlfriend that I know of, 23 or 24, he lives in the nearby big town. Yes, yes, here’s his number.” 

“Tell him I’ll go out with him. Give him my number. Tell him to call me. Tell him I’m worth his time. When will he be back? Don’t forget to tell him.”

Four months later, I called Danny. We went out when I got off shift at midnight. I met him at a bar. 

“I knew it was you when the phone rang,” he told me. 

Somehow, I think I knew that too. My heart slipped through my throat and greeted my brain. ‘This man is mine.’

We talked and laughed, and he kissed me. His kiss was soft, and his arms were strong, and he smelled delicious, no shitty aftershave, no stupid mint, just him, just his intoxicating man smell.

Mmm, you’re a good kisser,” I told him. And he kissed me again.

After the bar closed, we went back to my apartment and we just talked, getting to know each other. There was nothing he didn’t know about. I’d never known anyone so intelligent. We talked until it was time for him to go to work in the morning. He came over the next night and we talked until at four I told him to go home get some sleep. 

Two weeks later I met his family. It became family history that his brother remarked after we left, “Butch better get his sneakers on and run!”

Three weeks later, on his birthday, he asked me to marry him. I was lost in his blue eyes and I was caught in his love. I said yes. Danny taught me the meaning of being cherished, showed me unwavering loyalty. I learned true passion and my sexuality orbited him. He became part of me, of my being, of my soul. He is my best friend and his love for me is unconditional and unshakable for now I am far from the lithe creature he married. 

Forty-five years later I still get lost in his blue eyes, even though one of them is blind and the other can’t see me well. And, I’m still caught in his love and always will be.