Maturity

Maturity

J. LoSasso

“I am not divorced. Yet. I think it’s only fair to tell you before we go any further,” Paul said. He put his drink down and took his hands from her shoulders.

Randi put her wineglass on the glass top of the living room table. Paul could see her face cloud. She tilted her head toward him and said, “You mean, we’ve been hanging out for the past four months, almost every weekend, and now you decide to tell me this.”

“I wanted to tell you sooner. I didn’t know how.”

“How about, ‘I’m married’?” Randi asked with more than a bit of sarcasm as she turned her body away from Paul and retreated to the far end o f the couch.

“I was afraid if I came right out and told you, you wouldn’t have wanted to be with me. I dunno, but it was my fear.”

“So why aren’t you afraid to tell me now?”

“I think we’re in a better space. I mean, I think we’re in a better space. Look, I love you. I know that. I love everything about you. We fit together in every way. You know what I mean?” Paul reached to grab Randi’s hand, but she pulled back.

“What do you think? Do you think saying I love you changes anything? That I’m going to settle to be someone’s side chick? You think I’m going to be your girlfriend forever?”

“No, no, no. Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m going to get divorced.” Paul shifted on the couch. He placed his feet on the floor and looked forward to the bookcase wall. He didn’t realize he had placed his head in his palms.

“When?” Randi asked. She picked up her wineglass again and pushed back into the sofa as she dropped her feet to the floor as well. She looked at the clock, noting the separation of the hands. It was two forty-five AM.

“I think I should go,” Paul said. “We can talk about this tomorrow, can’t we?” Most nights when they were spending time together, Randi would let him know she was in no rush for him to leave.

“Maybe you should.” Randi picked up the remote and began scrolling through the late night offerings. She got up and came back to the couch with her robe on. Tucking her feet under her thighs, she decided she would stream a comedy show. She told herself she wasn’t doing this. She wasn’t going to go down this path again. Hadn’t she been with a married man before? And where did that lead? To heartbreak, that’s where. No she wouldn’t do it again. In fact, she wouldn’t do any of the things she thought she had to do when she was younger. Even kissing wasn’t going to happen unless there was a possibility for something serious to evolve. She thought Paul was the one. He hadn’t rushed her and seemed perfectly fine with moving the relationship along at her pace.

“You’re really okay with me leaving?” Paul asked. He could see the cloud turning into a darkness settling over her face.

“I already said yes. Don’t you think you need to settle your affairs before you get involved with someone? Why didn’t you do that before you met me?”

“You’re right. I should’ve told you. And no, I’m not looking for a ‘side chick’.” Paul picked up his head and turned his face towards Randi.

“So, when are you getting divorced?” Randi put the remote down and could tell Paul was having a difficult time. His green eyes seemed to be floating on a lake and his lips were pressed together, as if each word he would say had to go through an internal vetting process.

“I don’t know. Okay. I don’t know. It’s not that easy. There’s the house, the kids, the shared property. It’s so much to think about. That’s why I need you in my life. You help keep me balanced. Keep me sane.”

“I just don’t know what to say right now, Paul. I really don’t. But I am going to say this. You need to go. Now. You need to figure out what you really want.”

“I want you,” Paul pleaded.

“Look. Take care of your business. When your life gets straightened out and you still want me, I’ll be here. You have too much to do right now and I’m only complicating things. You need to focus. I’ll wait for you.” Randi got up and started walking toward her door. She grabbed her laptop from the bookshelf.

Paul got up and grabbed her around her waist and pulled her back toward him as he tried to kiss the back of her neck. She pulled away and turned to face him. “Stop it and go. I mean it.”

“Alright, alright. I will. I’ll call you tomorrow when we’re both rested so I can tell you my plans.”

“I need more than plans, Paul. Show me your actions. I’ll be here for you when you have put those plans in motion.” She felt the laptop in her hands as she opened the door. Paul bent towards her trying to kiss her. She moved her face away. “Get home safe,” she said.

“Damn. It’s like that.” He stepped away from her door, but stopped and turned around.

“Go,” she said. “I’m closing the door.” She watched as he took a few steps, turned, took a few more steps and turned, until he resigned himself to the fact she wasn’t going to open the door and call him back.

Bolting the locks, Randi returned to her couch. She opened her laptop and clicked onto the dating service site where she had first connected with Paul. She began clicking on the photos of eligible potential mates the site offered. “Hmmm,” she said aloud. “I wonder how many of these guys are Pauls?” She kept scrolling. This one looks interesting, she thought. She clicked on her account. “Time to update the profile,” she said to herself.