Going through today

i wept in the cold , strange aura of the restroom . i was the only one in . i sobbed and sobbed , i felt lonely and in need of a hug and someone telling me it's going to be okay even though i know it's not . i calmed myself down a bit and reluctantly left the bathroom stall and went towards the sink . i splashed water to my face and looked at myself in the mirror which reflected a pale woman with bloodshot eyes and water dripping down her chin , her hair was a mess her clothes were a mess , she looked like a mess more tears

dripped down along with the water.

i splashed some more water and stared at myself for a few minutes and then finally left the restroom , as soon as i got out , the world was noisy and busy and full . People filled in every nook and corner all busy with their own concerns , it was then i realized that the world isn't small , it's big it's really really big and i was just a mundane human who was lost in the crowd.

The fear of oblivion crept inside and slithered down my spine and i shuddered . New York was a big city. i walked where my legs took me . My phone rang from inside of my bag , i turned it off and continued my walk until i was unaware of where i was , i reached a deserted place .

i had no idea that there was a place in New York where there were no people , i looked around and there were no people , it was quite and calm . i turned around and saw a small abandoned park , i went inside and thought about what happened today , and pictures ran through my mind and tears filled my eyes and anger bubbled in my heart , anger burned through my veins , i kicked a bench and started screaming my lungs out .

i tried to calm myself but i couldn't anymore , i was tired of bottling up my feeling . i wanted to let it all out , years and years of pain and anger all coming out this day in this empty park in the middle of nowhere on the day before Christmas eve . i was tired of being someone that's not me , i was tired of never expressing my feeling , my sadness my anger i was tired of being told that i didn't matter, because i did .

i looked up and said ,"it's not fair" i repeated it again and again each time louder than the last . i continued kicking and punching and screaming till i was out of everything , energy , breath , sound everything . i sat down on the bench nearby , i felt powerless , i felt like there was nothing more or less i could do , i felt like living was not worth it . i felt like my destiny was being controlled by everything but me .

i searched through my bag and found my phone , i turned it on and saw the million missed calls and voice mails from Ayala , Katie, Maria , Connor , Alex and many others as well . i Sighed . i needed music now that would help me . i clicked open Spotify and played my usual playlist , i didn't want earphones i just wanted to be free.

As the heavenly voice of Louis Armstrong filled around me, i sighed again ,cold breeze hit my face but that was the least of my worries , i pulled my sweater closer. The song changed to la vie en rose i put it on repeat and just stared at a tree in front of me .

All of a sudden something white fell on my shoulders and i gazed up , it was snowing . a smile popped up my face and it all seemed out of a fairy tale. i got up and enjoyed the weather , it was getting colder but i didn't mind a bit . this was the best thing that happened to me today . Today..... memories rushed back and i fell back into the spell.i wanted to throw stuff again

But i didn't have the energy to get up and start the charade again , i just sat down again and hugged my legs and buried my face in my legs and tears dripped down , but at this point i didn't care , because i had hit rock bottom , i felt so powerless and useless , i felt like the world was better of without me . I lifted my head and gazed up at the dark hollow empty sky filled with white shining stars. the song continued and went on. and it kept snowing . i kept my focus on the stars.

A whole galaxy gazing at my helplessness . As thoughts buried my head and tears begin to choke out again , a small but efficient part of my head told me to pull myself together and stay strong , and that positive thought spread all over my head and soared through my heart . i got up up from the bench and straightened myself .

I was at the other end of the park . i grabbed my phone and put it back inside my bag and slowly started my way out of the park , the events that took place today was terrible , i couldn't not think about but i shouldn't throw my life and my work away for it. justice will be earned .

Something burned inside me , it wasn't just anger it was inspiration and the motivation to do something , to bring my change to the world . i was sure that once i left the park i would do something , something that would bring a change that this world needed.

it started snowing heavily , but that didn't light anything down and my tears were long gone , it was time to do something , to play my part . pain wouldn't become part of my daily routine . My words and my actions would make a difference and i would make sure of it.

with a last glance at the park , i left the place and headed towards the city.