Milk

“Like this?” 

“Just like that. That’s really excellent.” 

“That’s a first. No one’s ever said that before. Do you think she’s comfortable?”

“I should think so. Now, just gently, bring her towards you. That’s it. Like that.”

“Hold on. Let me just get my t-shirt out of the way.”

“Don’t worry about that, just, that’s it. There we go. Can you see? She’s opening her mouth.”

“She’s never done that before.”

“That’s great. Now, just give it a few seconds. There we are and...ooooh, Evie.” 

“She’s crying.”

“That’s ok.” 

“She opened her mouth to cry. Not to eat.” 

“No, she was trying. I’ve been with enough babies to know a trier when I see one.” 

“But why doesn’t she want it?”

“It’s nothing that you’re doing. This is completely normal. Firstborns can be a little tricky.”

“They don’t tell you that at school.”

“They don’t tell you much.”

“But, it’s been five days. I just want her to eat.” 

“Sarah, trust me. It just takes some time. She will eat but it just might not be from your breast. Here, take this bottle.”

“But, shouldn’t we keep trying? She’s still crying.” 

“We can try a little later maybe. It can be quite a stressful experience for babies. It’s more important that she eats. Here, it’s still your milk.” 

“How did cavewomen used to do it? They didn’t have breast pumps and microwaves and pasteurizers.”

“It’s a good question.”

“She’s drinking this.” 

“There we go. She was hungry.” 

“Perhaps the babies that didn’t drink breastmilk died. Maybe they were the weak ones who couldn’t latch.” 

“I mean, that’s certainly a theory, Sarah.”

“Then maybe Evie’s one of the weak ones.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean... Tissue?” 

“Urgh, why is this so hard? It shouldn’t be thist hard. Fuck. I just want to do this properly.”

“You are. You’re doing an excellent job. Evie’s very lucky to have you.” 

“She’s not lucky. I can’t do it. She doesn’t want me.”

“Like I said, there’s nothing wrong with you.” 

“Is it her? Would be just like me to have a baby that doesn’t work properly. Here, can you take her.” 

“I’ll take her for a moment. Just take some deep breaths. You’re a good mother. Don’t let this put you off.”

“You don’t know that.” 

“But I can make a pretty good guess.”

“How?”

“Well, you’re trying. I always think the best parents are those who put their children first and who do things for the interest of their child first.” 

“That would make my mum a good mother. She’s in prison.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“She told the court she was doing it for me but after ten years, I had to learn to walk again. Imagine that, being sat on your arse for ten years. She used to lift me into bed though. Tuck me up and look after me real nice.” 

“Here. Take this tissue.”

“At first, I didn’t get it. I always saw it as love. People make sacrifices for love, you know? I sat in that wheelchair because she told me to. It was a sacrifice and in return she treated me good.” 

“I’m sorry, that must have been very difficult.”

“Confusing as fuck. I’m sorry, we don’t have to talk about that any more.” 

“It’s up to you. I’m here to listen.

“Nah, it’s good.”

“Oh look! Here’s Dad, the man of the hour. Shall I let him take Evie while you hop in the bath?” 

“I’ll have her.” 

“Ok, but make sure you get some rest. Remember your husband is here to help. You don’t have to do everything alone.”

“I’m fine. I just want to cuddle her a bit more.”

“Righto. Well, I’ll be back a little later. In the meantime, try and get some rest.”

“Thanks.” 

*

“You’re falling asleep, Sarah.” 

“...I’m awake.” 

“I’ll make you a bath and take Evie.”

“Jack, I said I’m awake.” 

“You need some rest. Nothing’s going to happen if you take an hour off.” 

“I’m her mother. I need to be with her.” 

“I’m her father.”

“I’m not leaving. It might not be a big deal to you but I want her to breast feed.”

“Technically, she’s doing that when you give her the bottle. It’s still your milk.”

“Shhh, Evie. It’s ok. But, Jack, that’s not everything. The skin on skin contact counts for something.” 

“So what, you’re worried that if you don’t do that now she won’t know who her mother is? Disown you when she’s three?”

“Stop shouting.” 

“I’m not shouting, Sarah. I’m just raising my voice.”

“Well, just don’t. It’s not helping. She’s only going to cry louder. Maybe she needs something else.” 

“Her dad? Maybe she needs her dad.” 

“Uh, can’t you just let me try this out without getting in the way.” 

“She’s been in your arms every second since we left the hospital.”

“Well, it’s obviously not enough yet. You’re not being very helpful.” 

“I’m trying.”

“So am I.” 

“I’m not saying you’re not. But maybe I need a chance to try more. And you need a chance to try less. You haven’t slept for days.” 

“She’s a baby. That’s what happens. You don’t get to sleep.” 

“But we can make it happen. I can look after her and you can get some rest.”

“I don’t need rest.” 

“You don’t need to be with her all the time. We can do this together.” 

“I know. I just want to be there for her.” 

“You are. When you’re your best self, you are.” 

“I don’t think I ever saw my mum properly until I was about two years old. And even then, only really if I couldn’t sleep.” 

“Sarah, don’t think of her…” 

“She would always have this thick smell around her and whenever I saw her, it was like she never saw me. I was scared of her really.” 

“Evie won’t be scared of you. You won’t be like your mum.” 

“Do you know that? Do any of us know that?”

“Sarah, you need some sleep. You can honestly compare yourself to her.”

“Half of my genes are hers.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. You’ve chosen not to be like her. You’ll be different with Evie. You already are. She loves you.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Bath?” 

“Do you think you can deal with this screaming?” 

“I hardly notice it any more.” 

“Ok, then. Here you go. Just, put her head in your elbow. It supports her. There.” 

“Got it. Don’t worry, you go enjoy yourself, darling.” 

“You’ll be fine?”

“I’ll be fine.” 

“Alright.” 

“Go!”

“Alright, I’m going I’m going.”

“We’ll be fine, won’t we Evie? Yes, we will. Yes, we will. Aw, Sarah, just one sec. Come look. Look at her little eyes. They’re huge. I think she’s trying to smile. Sarah?”

“She’s not crying.” 

“Well...no.”

“She’s not crying.”

“Oh my gosh, she’s not crying! We did it. Come here. Come here, Sarah.” 

“She’s not crying.” 

“Come here.” 

“You stopped her crying.”

“Sarah.” 

“What did you do?” 

“I didn’t do anything. I was doing the same as you. She just stopped. Who’s a clever girl?”

“Daddy’s girl.”

“Sarah…”

“Milk.”

“Sarah?”

“It’s not the milk. It’s me.”