Starstruck

Friends written in the stars; only doomed to fall to Earth.

Dear Riley,

Do you remember our beginning? It probably wasn’t all that exciting. But it was the start of an amazing story.

When enough pressure is exerted on light atoms, a fusion occurs and a star is born. A stellar nebula - I think that’s what they call it. Our friendship didn’t need pressure but was just as extraordinary as a beaming star. No coincidence, just fate. No accident, just destiny. We were just inevitable.

“...and finally, group projects. The groups will be assigned randomly. Let’s start with Mackenzie, start counting from one. Get to five and then go back to one.” The teacher stammered on. 

“One.”

“Two.”

“Three.”

We continued until the whole class was split into groups. I was in group 2, with three other people. It wasn’t my usual clique and I was kinda uncomfortable working with new people, but I had to. Well, they’re not new per se, but either way, I’m quite awkward outside my friend group.

We all moved around to settle into our groups and as soon as the consequent chaos died, we started our project discussion. “We should probably do like a world map thing,” One of the girls, Sherry, broke the unsettling silence. “Maybe like a world war point map?”

“Yeah, and we can make little toothpick flags. Mark boundaries on the map and stuff.” Macy suggested, trying to draw up a model on a piece of paper. She’s probably the artistic one of the group.

Riley gazed intently at the plan that was being concocted in front of us. Macy and Sherry seemed to be taking the lead on this, so the two of us stayed silent and let them discuss. “Input would be great you know.” Sherry looked at me and said.

“I’m good. Completely agree with everything here.”

“Yup. Agreed.” Riley added, almost like she wanted to laugh. I pursed my lips to stop myself from giggling. It didn’t take much to make me laugh.

As the project went on, we started talking more. I guess in an awkward way, we clicked. From our random silences to our weirdly dirty minds, it wasn’t an incredulous meeting, but every jovial moment after that, I held on to.

Stellar evolution: the life of a star over time. Stars grow. They imminently surround themselves with light and heat. This growth usually determines the lifespan of the star. You and I shared a world of weirdness and randomness as we grew closer and closer. We balanced each other out perfectly.

I strolled into our colourful classroom, excited as ever for our school’s Annual Sports Week. We had our usual selections and trials for participating in the track events at the end of the week and our Interhouse Basketball and Football games.

Heading over to the front of the room, I was acknowledged by my clique. “So Dylan it is then.” Riley stated, smirking at Kayley.

I instantly knew what was going on as Kayley retorted, “Oh, come on! The dude’s gone. Like never-coming-back gone. Just let it go.”

“But he’s your future husband.” I chimed in, taking my seat next to Riley. The two of us giggled as Kayley crossed her arms, pouting in defeat. “Don’t worry, I’ll have an ‘I told you so’ speech at your wedding.”

“You guys are mean.”

This is how we started every day: annoying Kayley. It was sort of a tag thing between us. Of course, Riley and I were a bit close to impossible to annoy, so we had the upper hand.

“Speaking of mean,” Riley turned to me. “I put your name for the girls’ basketball team.”

“Are you insane?!” Yes, I had a little… minor hatred for basketball. Well, not the game; just playing the game. I didn’t really have a reason for it, I just did. And she knew that. Everyone knew it. “There’s no way I’m playing. I’m not even good at basketball.” I paused. “Plus, tennis injury.” I waved my hand in the air, revealing my poorly bandaged wrist.

She laughed. “Yeah, but I’m a few players short and you’re better than not having anyone.” She smiled sheepishly trying to make her statement humorous. “You don’t even have to play-play. Just be on the court.” I facepalmed, as she continued, “Plus, I’m the captain and I say you’re playing.”

I bit my lip to stop from grinning. “You thought of something dirty, didn’t you?”

“Of course, she did. Have you met her?” Kayley said, joining in the conversation.

“Hey!” I whined.

“I’m just glad to not be the annoyee for once.” She grinned at my glare.

“So you’re playing, right?” Riley turned it back to me. Without giving me time to answer, she smirked and replied, “Okay, done.” I rolled my eyes at her. I knew she was doing this solely to annoy me, but I wasn’t complaining. 

The positivity felt relieving. It felt good to have someone to keep me on my feet. They say some people just pass by in your life, and then move on. I doubt she’s one of them. She’s my forever person.

All life forms must eventually climax. There is only so much a star can burn to keep shining - to stay alive. When a star’s fuel runs out, it nears the end. Average stars tend to go peacefully, reminiscing away as they continue to glow faintly. But our friendship wasn’t average, was it?

One bad decision. I did something I shouldn’t have. Little did I know that the consequences would change everything. Secrets were shared. But how was I to understand?

As I walked past the school gates the morning after, anxiety filled me up inside. What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to act? I have never dreaded being at school so much in all my life. Getting to the door, I hesitated. I took a look into the classroom window to see if Riley was in yet. The room was almost empty. No Riley in sight.

Good. I had a couple of minutes to find a response or emotion to stick to. Feeling sick to my stomach, I found my seat and leaving my bag, let my body fall lifelessly onto the chair. I stared at the desk. What do I say to her? How do I react to it all?

The door opened. I looked back and recognized her familiar figure. My heart sunk immediately. My brain went blank as I simply stared at her. She caught my stare and managed a weak smile in response. Neither of us had any words, but we got through the day, managing to mask away the storm that was brewing.

It all boiled down to that one moment in time. Before that, my life was all sunshine and rainbows, and I had to go and ruin it all because curiosity got in the way. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve steered towards a different route.

Ever wonder what happens when a star dies? When a supernova happens? When the star is large enough, the remains can cause a black hole to form. The gravitational field of the star takes over and swallows it. The intense balance holding the fusion and gravity together is broken. We were in perfect balance, but something interfered. Suddenly, you were walking away and I spun myself down that black hole - my light snuffed out.

My head was pounding. My heart, hurting. I had so many thoughts in my head as I looked down at my phone. 

I sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor as I usually did after a class. I hadn’t even unlocked my phone to read the message and I was already freaking out, struggling to hold back tears. I didn’t know what it would say. Did I want to read it? I knew I had to. But the snippet from the notification didn’t sound good.

This is torture. ‘Read it and get it over with.’ I mentally told myself. There’s nothing to worry about. ‘Just breathe. Calm down.’ I mentally prepared myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

Hesitantly, I unlocked my phone, clicking on the message notification. Her words appeared on screen and I looked up at the ceiling instantly. I was too afraid to read it. After everything we’d been through, we had finally reached a good place. We were talking just like we used to. It got comfortable again… until I brought up something difficult.

Did I ruin it this time too?

I slowly looked down and read the message. ‘This isn’t easy for me to say.’ I took a heavy breath and continued, ‘Our conversation last week brought up a lot and I was trying to stay away from that. I’m not about to go back to that again and even though, I will always care for you, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We need to stop talking. Please take care.’

The pounding stopped. Yet I felt uneasy. A stinging pain crept up in my chest. Tears welled in my eyes. But my mind was blank. I couldn’t look away from the phone. I didn’t have the words to respond, but I had to. I had to put aside my pain and respond unphased. I need to let her feel oblivious to what I feel. She doesn’t need this.

How many emotions can you really feel at once? I felt broken. Guilty. Frightened. Anxious. Sadness.

Is this what heartbreak felt like? I never want to know.

Black holes can die. It may take time and space, but it does happen. The black hole will glow and evaporate, slowly dissipating into nothingness. And finally, it’s not so dark anymore. But it existed. It’s remembered.

So dear Riley,

Do you remember you tolerating my insanity? Because I do. Do you remember saving me from myself? I do. Do you remember making me laugh? I do. Our memories always feel bittersweet to me, even the happiest of them. But it’s all I have. Memories. Secrets. Stories. 

Once upon a time, we were friends. A one in a million occurrence.

And now, nothing but strangers with history.

Yours forever,

Kassidy