Voice Recognition

Voice Recognition

A story told only in dialogue

Paul Heller

Paulpaul9443@sbcglobal.net

2868 Words

+ Hello.

^ Hey. Collin.

+ Who’s this? Who do you want to talk to?  

^ You. Collin.

+ Want to tell me why you’re calling?   

^ Just checking in, brah.

+ It’s crazy here, man. We got everyone coming, it’s a busy day.  Are you one of the cousins?   You need a ride because the invite specifically said be here an hour ago?  Who’s this, “brah”?  

^ Who do you think, Collin? 

+ My phone thinks you’re “Unknown Caller”.    

^ You know me.  

+ Yeah? What’s my last name?

^ Fogarty. You’re Collin Fogarty. Dude, it’s me.

+ Ivan?

^Huh?

+ You’re Ivan, some dude in Russia, aching to get  inside my phone and harvest my bank accounts.  I don’t know you, man, but this is some fucked-up timing for a robocall. This is not your day.

^ All right, man. It’s me. It’s Neil. 

+ Excuse me!

^ I’m Neil. Guess it’s been a while.

+  “Guess it’s been a while.” That is some hokey, shit, man.  Also your info’s old.  

^ What info’s old?

+ You have the wrong number. 

^ Collin. I’d like to talk to you about something you’re going to want to hear about.

+ Where to send the bitcoin ransom?  Dude, I know for a fact you’re not Neil.  

^ You got something like tape over your camera, on your laptop.

+ Fuck.

^What?

+ How’re you seeing my computer? 

^ Can you take it off?   

+ No.

^ Collin.

+ Yeah.

^ I’m glad you’re still here. You could have hung up.

+ You’re not Neil. Where are you calling from? I got to go. 

^ I can tell you that. I’m here. I’m in the city where you are, but this is a serious call, Collin.

+Yeah?

^ I need to show you something, and it’d be easier to Skype or Zoom.

+ If you want this, let me Skype you. 

^ Then you’d take off the tape?

+ No. Give me your number.

^ You gonna need to take it off.

+Is that what it says on your script?  

^ I got to show you something, and I want to see your expression.

+A severed head? Water-boarding? My family hi-jacked.  Is it a brand new Cadillac?  Are you even a person, “Neil”?  Or are you a sound effect?

^ I’m just asking.  You’re going to need to take it off sooner or later.

+ I don’t take it off. Not on the first date.

^ I love how you’re funny, man. “First date” Oh. Ok. That’s cool.

+ You a little slow, pal? 

^ Hey, could you give me a second?

+ We got a ton of people here, we’re carpooling.

^A second. One second. 

+ . . .

^ Okay.  I’m back. You still there?

+ Where’d you go? What’d you do just then?

^ Needed to wipe my hands.

+ What you get on your hands? 

^ I spilled some coffee.

+ All over you?

^ Just my hands?

+ That sucks. Starbucks coffee?

^ Yeah. 

+ You take it “To Go”? 

^ Yeah.

+ ‘Cause you got like an office or something?

^ Something.

+ You still sharing a house or a flat? 

^ I like their Caramel Macchiato.

+ “Neil”. 

^ Yep.

+ Dude, you didn’t do your research.  

^ I’m treating myself.

+ With coffee? You never drank coffee. 

^ Couple months ago.

+ How come you started?

^ I changed my life around. I needed to be awake in the morning.

+ But Caramel Macchiato, that’s a baby’s drink.

^ You’d know.

+ What’s that thing you always order I can’t stand? 

^Kombucha.

+ No.

^Matcha.

+ No. You never drank that shit in your life. Where’d you go to wipe your hands? 

^ I got a sink. 

+ You sound uncomfortable. Maybe this far from your script, you’re a little shaky?

^ I’m ok.

+ So you’re where? Your house? Some apartment you share with a bunch of other people? They score for you?

^ I got a home.

+ Did you use soap?

^ Yes. 

+ Ivory? Trusted for generations. Made with pure and purposeful ingredients.

^ It’s a liquid something. Hey, Collin—

+ Hmm. 

^ How you doing?

+ Oh, back to the script. All right, I’m a little disappointed. I enjoy jabbing at you, even getting smacked around by that “you should know.” Shit.   I kind of liked that. How am I doing from a professional point of . . . whatever you are  “How am I doing?” 

^ Yeah, you doing okay?

+ You know you haven’t called me for like how many years?

^ I really think Skype would make this easier. 

+ It wouldn’t be consensual.  How am I doing?  

^ How’s Rachelle?

+Well, she sure isn’t with you, right?  She told me something about you once.

^ Brah, maybe this isn’t the time.

+ I know she wouldn’t get with you. I know you tried. I got her, I still got her, you never did, right?

^ Right, Colin, whatever you say. 

+ Okay, we got that cleared up. What’s the thing you want to say?   

^ Collin, I’m interested in your care. 

+ My care?

^ I think we got something going on in our family, something you should know about.  For Rachelle. Think about it: Mom died of cancer—

+ I always wondered what kind of people do this kind of job. Do they ask if you’re prepared to say the most invasive shit possible? And if you say yes, the job’s yours?  

^ And Dad died of cancer . . . you just have to ask yourself. Do you get regular check-ups? 

+ No check-ups for me.  I’m a hypochondriac, and my doctor won’t see me more than once a year.

^ I’m a joke to you. 

+ Well . . . you are a stranger impersonating  someone . . .

^ All’s I know is I’ve had some issues, and I wish I’d been more prepared. 

+ What issues?

^ Let’s see. Prostate and melanoma, like Dad. 

+ Okay, dude, I got to ask you: for that one piece of information, what did you pay for that, man? For that privileged medical—

^ So, I’m thinking a Long Term Care Policy. Maybe fifty thousand surrender value. I wish I’d had one. 

+ Why’d you wish that? What would that have bought you? Help with your ADL’s?

^ Wait.

+ No, no.  Not waiting while you go look shit up. Are they “activities of daily living”?

^ Yeah.

+ Funny how you didn’t know that.

^ Yeah.

+ Is that what you need? Help with your incontinence?

^ Collin, you’re being fucking rude.

+ Dude, you are not even Neil. You are not my brother.  Are you?  And you want to talk about my father on a day we’re havening a funeral..

^ . . . You don’t got to kick me. It hurt when you kicked me, Collin.

+ All right, I’ll give you another chance, no looking shit up, okay?

^ Okay.

+ Are you sniffling. Quit sniffling. Baby. Dork. Or do I got to rub a – what did you get rubbed in your hair?

^ Watermelon. You mushed watermelon in my hair. Now ask me your question.

+ Is there an inflation option? These instruments are basically a life insurance policy heavily weighted toward care. It’s simple, but there’s a lot of variables you can play with. Some are a little arcane. I warn you, I'm a hypo. I know this shit.

^ Let me . . . try to find that . . . dude, come on.

+ Never mind.  Do you want to send me something?

^ We do all our business electronically. 

+ I have to hold it in my hand.  

^ There is no ‘it’.

+ You know how I am. Right?

^ We can do an electronic signature. Or . . . a voice signature. 

+ Do you even need me to ok this - you’ve got enough bytes of my voice to make me say anything.  

^ Um.

+ You know my address. Remember what it is? You always confuse it. That’s how come we don’t get your Christmas cards. It’s 836. 

^ Uh-huh

+ Fill in the rest. Tell me my street. It’s right there in front of you.  Tell me you know my address.

^ I think I -

+ If you mail it, I will send it back to you signed. Make sure your address is somewhere I can see it.

^I can’t do that.

+ Wait.  You said you wished you’d been more prepared. No one could have prepared for what you had. Plus you would never see an actual doctor. Acupuncture, massage, healing chimes, goblets (whatever the fuck those were) and lots and lots of vitamins.  

^I wish I’d selected the options. And the Initial Residual Death Benefit. 

+ Neil, we can go into this again, but right now I’m wanting to know how …

^ Collin. Collin, I really think this policy is for you, man. I was stupid not to have got one. I really regret it. For sure, soon as I can, I’m getting one myself.

+ Neil, what happened?

^ Collin, let me tell you. 

+ I’m listening, Neil.

^ I was out last night, walking, just out in the neighborhood and I saw this cat. 

+ A stray? An alley cat?  Was her name Gabrielle? Did you zip her up inside your parka, carry her around? Did she warm you and you warm her? Did she piss on me when I took her?    

^ No, this was a wild cat.

+ A bobcat? 

^ Not so big.

+ A lynx? An ocelot? 

^ I don’t know what kind it was –

+ Did you take a picture? You could text it to me.

^ It had attacked a dog. It had the dog’s intestines in its teeth. 

+ Jesus. You saw that?

^ Yeah. The dog was lying right there. And I wished I had some insurance right then in case the cat or whatever decided to attack me.  You see what I’m saying?  I don’t want you to be in a position – you know – if some event occurred you weren’t prepared for. At least this would take care of you and everyone else. I mean working out and living healthy only takes you so far. 

+ Neil, how’s Francesca holding up? You two still married?

^ Ok. I guess. Should have got some insurance—

+ Okay,  I will buy the Cadillac version of your policy.

^ Oh. 

+ Do you guys talk about the Gold Cadillac, the guy who believes everything you tell him and buys the limit?   I’ll buy all you have. I’ll sign the papers, probably won’t read them, write you a check. You ready for that? 

^ Cool. Just go on line. We can knock this out right now.

+ But, Neil, one thing: you have to come over here, to my house, and ring my bell.  And when I answer the door, you know what you’re going to do? You’re going to come inside and sit in my living room after everyone’s gone and we’ll order out and have some Glendalough with branch water. Have you ever tried Glendalough ? No?  I picked that habit up a few years ago when Rachelle and I took that tour of Ireland. I saw the village Great-Granddad came from. You remember, Dad would talk about? Carrick-on-Shannon.

^ Carrick-. . .

+ On-Shannon

^ On-Shannon. It’s a good name.

+ Yeah. I really wished you had come with us. Anyway, come over now. It’ll be a treat, but I warn you, once you’ve had Glendalough, you won’t be able to go back to - what do you drink?

^ Uh, I don’t actually-

+ Then I’m going to ruin you. What time can you make it?

^ Once, I tried—

+ Neil. Are you all right? I mean you’re not uncomfortable?

^ No.

+ I mean, do I make you uncomfortable?

^ No, but I gotta get to – we can bang this out – I can send you a Google doc, we can work through it together. I’ll see exactly what you see on your screen and I can change it if we need to.

+ ‘Cause if you are uncomfortable, you should say. You should say and I would do something for you.

^ Oh.

+ I’d visit you.  Would you like me to visit you?

^ I’m not—

+ It’s okay. The Glendalough was a stupid idea. I see that now. You can’t go out.  There’s cats. You don’t know what – you don’t have insurance, do you?

^ No. 

+ So you can’t go out. Okay. You just stay there, and I’ll come to you. Do you want a sandwich? I could go for a Po-Boy with jalapenos. Do you still like Po-Boys with jalapenos?

^ Collin. I think maybe it’d be better if we stuck to this subject. 

+ But I got to ask you a question.

^ Mmm.

+ How is it where you are, Buddy, Neil, Neil-the-Deal? 

^ Ok.

+ Um-hum. Not too cold?

^ No.

+ Damp?

^ No. 

+ Dark?

^ Dark?

+ And you got a sink near you.

^Yeah. 

+ You want to stick to that?

^ Yeah. Why?

+ Neil, you know what they call a man who shares needles and refuses to have a liver transplant? 

^ I don’t know.

+ Dead.

^ I see.

+ What do you see, Buddy?

^ Is this a joke?

+ No, Buddy, I saw the cat just now, I see you, too in your parka, only now I can see the cat peeking out. I want to know you’re safe, Buddy. I want to know you’re okay. If you can show me you’re safe and okay, I’ll buy your policy. 

^ Okay, how are you going to do that?

+ I just pulled the tape off my phone, the video’s on. Do the Skype, I’m on it, man. Is it on?

^ Yeah.

+ It just looks like murk where you are. This your room?  Your apartment? 

^ Mmm.

+ Is that our old couch?

^ Yeah.

+ I can’t see you. Point the camera at you. 

^ I will. Give me a minute.

+ No, let’s do this.  I’m going to sit here, turn my chair around, my back’s to the camera. Not going to peek. In your own time, Neil, in your own fucking time.

^ What’s that? The back of your head? Damn, brah, you going bald?  

+ When you were ten. Christmas.

^ Oh, this.

+ Yeah. I got a question about that day.

^ One question.  One.

+ Okay, one. You remember?

^ Yes.

+ Okay, this isn’t the question yet . . . What did you wear? Every day for a year?

^ Batman jacket. 

+ Where’d you get it?

^ That’s the question?

+ You want to make the sale? 

^ Mom got it at Target. 

+ Part two: What did I get?

^ You said ‘one question’. Why’s everything got to be a negotiation with you?

+ Because you know this and I don’t, and if you know you have to tell me because there’s no more time left, Neil.

^ She got you one, too.   But mom took yours away. 

+ Why?

^ You punched me.

+ Why?

^ I wasn’t Batman the way you wanted. I didn’t jump off this couch right. I didn’t fly right. 

+ Batman doesn’t fly, he soars.

^ See.

+ Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?

^ You’d have tried to take that, and you would have. I couldn't never stop you. You’re much smarter than I am, you’re much more convincing, you’d have had me back on my feet in no time. You’d move me into your house, and look after me, and take away my needles, and give me my medicine and dab my skin with some ointment the doctors gave you, whispering instructions so I couldn’t hear. And you’d change my clothes and my pajamas. You’d have wiped me clean and laid me back and put compresses on me and never asked for anything in exchange. And there would be nothing I could do because you would have cured me. Made me whole, so here I am. 

+ Where’s my jacket?  

^ I got it with me. Look. Turn around and look. What do you see?

+ The batman silhouette filling up the screen. Turn around, turn around so I can see you. I got to know you’re okay. You got to do it fast. We’ve got to get going. 

^ Who’s coming?

+ Cousins.  Dara, Michelle, Mary Elizabeth. It doesn’t matter. 

^ Did Michelle get married?

+ Fuck ‘em, Neil. Turn around.  Neil, please turn around.

^ Are you ready, Collin? 

+ Are you okay? Are you warm? Turn around.

^ We’re leaving now, Collin.  

+ Are you scared?  Are you alone?

^ I don’t know.  It doesn’t matter.

The End