An Ending Hello

My life is simply a long list of goodbyes, but I never expected you to be on the list. This was the thought I had as I passed by the woman I had loved. It had been almost a year since we had last spoke. I had forgotten her, but something had nagged at the back of my mind like a divine warning. It was there and yet I had almost convinced myself that I’d never see her again. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It all started with a single night. We had been walking down the same shore we had walked a hundred times. The stars reflected themselves in the lake’s waves. The moon shone dimly through the city lights. It would have been a wonderful walk, if not for the homeless man high on drugs. 12 long minutes passed as I tried to keep him from bothering us. In those minutes, I could think of nothing else besides a fierce protection of her. If this man tried anything, I would destroy him. The twelfth minute passed and he finally left with a final swear in my direction. She was safe, and that was all that mattered. 

I had planned to kill the man, and that didn’t sit well with me. She didn’t let me say goodnight until I talked it out. She waited through my tears and sobs, simply reminding me I hadn’t done anything wrong at all. Never before had anyone cared so intentionally for me and never again did anyone do such a thing. 2am had come before I felt ok enough to be alone. I said a simple goodbye to her before a restless night.

Days passed. Soon she felt the same way about me as I did about her. That giddy feeling of something deeper than just friendship. So we went to see the sun rise over a pier. There hasn’t been a moment in my life that I’ve been happier to simply exist with someone by my side. It was a memory like none other. The deep orange glow of the rising sun shined through her hair and she shone like a forgotten angel. I saw the smile on her face and my heart was content. Nothing needed to be said. Nothing needed to be done. We simply sat and watched the day begin. Then when the sun had reached far into the sky, I said a simple goodbye to her before a busy day began.

And then… I don’t know what happened. She talked less and the pauses in our conversations became awkward. I thought too much of what others must think and I listened too much to what my friends advised. Forgetting her, my heart focused on making the relationship perfect. She never wanted perfect and neither did I. Life continued on and we set out on different paths leaving each other behind.

No one took her place, I simply lived with that vacant spot in my heart. At first, hardly a day went by without me thinking of her. I walked the same streets that we had walked together. I sat at the same shore where she listened to my life story. Passing by coffee shops and parks brought back memories of times together. Slowly, but surely the memories began to fade. I never moved to another place, but life was ok. Busy, but ok. Soon enough only in dreams would I think of her and I barely remembered the dreams anyways. The next thing I knew, I stared out of my window and for the first time in months, I wondered how she was doing. And with that, not another thought of her entered my mind. Thus I forgot the love of my life. And yet as fate or destiny or divine intervention would have it, we met again.

Movies could be made from the uncanny meeting. I remember the time as clear as could be. 3:00pm sharp. Walking quickly, I checked the time as I was late. I looked up and there she was. Golden hair flowing gently behind her as she ambled towards me. After all the distance there we were. Three feet away. It’s one sort of pain knowing someone you care about is far from you and that you can’t do anything for them. Yet it is an entirely different hell to be mere inches away and know that you can’t do anything to make it better.

 Her eyes were etched in my memory like some sort of cursed tattoo upon my soul. A physical stab of pain ripped through my chest where my heart was, and I saw her eyes again. Yet not in my mind, as those eyes were in front of me. Her gaze had found mine and without thinking I let one word slip out.

“Hey”

Neither of us stopped moving, and yet the moment passed from time into eternity. One word and I saw her expression change. Pain was written across her face and she seemed to age before me. Every ounce of happiness fled from her, and she wore the look of someone burdened by sorrow. Every emotion of our relationship flooded over me one after the other. Giddiness and joy turned to fear and panic that changed into grief and sadness flowing into frustration and anger emerging into confusion. The same must be true for her and yet… she replied.

“Hey”

Nothing else was said nor did anything else need to be said. I heard it all in her voice. The hurt of a lifetime echoed into my soul with that word and cleared away all the words I had to say. Two more steps and I turned the corner. The woman I loved was out of sight. Mentally, I tossed away my plans for the day. I felt the tears drip from my chin and I knew there would be no stopping it. I let my heart bleed through a thousand tears already, why not one more?