The Peacock and the Blue Jay

What if saying "I love you" was as simple as that? What if our asinine fear of rejection didn't transform our most pure, and warm emotions into a sharp blade? What if any time someone said, "I love you", the person in question would reciprocate those feelings without fail?

This is, of course, completely unrealistic.

Fear of rejection is still set into us like an alarm system. The words "I love you" alone can be hollow replicas of what they were truly intended to mean. And sometimes, not every person is even able to feel, comprehend or express romantic love.

I met Jay when I needed someone the most. They provided the refuge and light I needed when my whole world seemed to grow dark and crumble around me.

So as we spoke more and grew closer, on its own, a strong foundational friendship was built from the ground up. We found solace in each other's company. We spoke of many things. The way we present ourselves versus who we really are inside. Our likes, our dislikes. Our capacity to fall in love. 

Every person expresses emotions differently. Every person has their own unique limits. I, for one, have more emotional availability than I know what to do with. And when I fall for someone, I fall hard. And that is exactly what happened here. I found myself loving Jay more than I had ever loved another person. 

And yet...

While I am able to fall in love with any person regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, Jay sits on the exact opposite end of the spectrum. They have never been able to see someone in a romantic light. To them, the most meaningful relationship that they can have with someone is a platonic friendship. And that is completely okay. I had known this about them for months and I had reassured them that they arent abnormal for it. 

Still, I found myself in a pretty difficult situation. Because I had found myself deep in unrequieted love with someone who could never feel the same way if they had wanted to. And so I forced myself to give it up. Of course it wasn't easy to do, but it was necessary. But there was still something left for me to do. Something that I have never been able to go through with. 

I still wanted to tell them about how I felt. I wanted to express just how important they have become to me even if nothing came out of it. Because Jay deserves to know just how amazing they are as a person.  

Now, I'm going to be honest. I had made up my mind thinking about how I was going to tell them about a year before I could even think about going through with it. My first attempt was a resounding failure on my part. I had it all typed up in my notes, and I got so far as to copy/pasteing it into our messages but before I could even hit send, I deleted it all and never looked back at the notes. 

My second attempt never even got that far. I had this plan. I was going to write an album worth of songs or poems that told the story of when we met and how my feelings for them seemed to evolve over time. And I got part way through the first poem before abandoning that project completely. It was months of conversations and fleeting crushes on other people who were only in my life for a hot second before I even thought about telling them again. 

Eventually, I had just come to terms with my own cowardice and decided that I really didn't have to tell them in the end. That is, until very recently. 

A month ago, I had been sitting in my car with my lovely friend, Luis. And somehow the topic had come up about relationships and I came to the realization that I still wanted Jay to know. By this point in my life, Jay and I are still very close friends but my romantic feelings for them have been long since quelled. Of course I still didnt say anything even after that. I just had no plans in mind, and just simply coming out and telling them just felt... inadequate. 

Funnily enough, that is exactly what I wound up doing. 

Last night, while I was at work, I was talking to another friend of mine. She was telling me about her experience with crushes and relationships and so of course, I related to her my own tales of woe and heartbreak. And I don't know what it was about our conversation that brought me to actually do it, but I did it. 

After a little over a year and a half of friendship, I actually said it. While I was typing, my hands were shaking. My breathing was ragged and I felt like I was on the verge of tears. But I wasn't going to back down this time. I chose to push through, typing it directly into the message box. I knew that if I was going to proof read it before sending the message, I would only delete it again so I didn't give myself the opportunity. And by some miracle, I found myself hitting the send button. 

I then promptly closed the messenger, locked my phone, and packed my stuff to go home from work in a panicked daze. 

I did it. I actually did it. I told them about how I had felt for them and how much they mean to me even now. I was able to hit send. And oh my god what if this ruined everything. What if they didn't want to talk to me as often anymore knowing that I have witheld these secret feelings for them for all that time? What if they wouldn't treat me the same way after finding out? Once again I was on the verge of tears while driving home at midnight. I want to see their response. I don't want to see their response. I want them to know. I wish I could take it back. 

My mind and heart were racing as I got home. Got in the house. Got out of my uniform. All in a daze. And then I sat down on the bed, took a deep, steady breath, and I opened messenger. And I read their response to my heartfelt confession. 

And it was exactly what I knew deep down that they would say and more.  

As I had initially suspected, they kind of already knew. (I am not known for being the most subtle in my romantic conquests.) Plus they are a triplet and one of their siblings was someone I had confided in about my feelings. I don't think that she would have told Jay but I never truly expected it to be a secret for as long as it was. 

Also, not surprisingly, they were completely okay with it. I knew that they would be deep down but I have a bad habit of getting too much in my own head even if I know that the words that I twist and create in my own mind would never come from them. 

Jay had let me down gently. In such a way, that it didn't even feel like a rejection. I had done that part for them months ago anyway. 

They just told me what I already knew, which summed up to that they can't feel affection the same way that I do. That the fact that we managed to become such close friends so quickly, means that whatever affection that they can express towards me is not to be taken lightly. 

And as I read their kind response, I felt like I could breathe freely again. This weight that I didn't even realize was on my shoulders was lifted and I finally got the closure that I really needed. 

No, saying "I love you" isn't easy. And neither is the rejection that may or may not come from saying it. But let me tell you this: When you care about someone enough to tell them of your current or past feelings toward them, the fear of rejection will only hold you back from taking a chance. You never know for sure what they are going to say. You will never know if it can become something more until you just say it. 

And yes, maybe you will get rejected. And yes, maybe it will hurt. But I know from experience that it hurts far more to keep it locked inside. 

I have never loved another person as much as I loved Jay. And I am so grateful for their friendship.