Broken

Every step makes me feel claustrophobic and nauseous, and home-sick even though I just got here. I wonder why I even talked myself into coming here in the first place when I knew I would feel like leaving the moment I reach here.

 Maybe, then, I thought I could start moving on. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Hey, you can do this! I remind myself for the umpteenth time. I remember how I was just not too long ago. Star of any party. Strangers, begging me to hang out with them so that they can get acknowledged in some sort. 

I start walking, staring down. When was the last time I made a conversation with someone other than myself? Nevermind that. When was the last time I even made eye contact with someone? Anyone?

Looking down at the hard black road, I walk, memorized by how it seems, in a trance. I hit people perpetually. In the chin, shoulders, right in the chest. They turn back and wait for an apology. I feel sorry for myself. Who's going to apologize to me?

I certainly can't do this. I'm trying, I tell myself. But it hurts to try. I want to go back to bed and close my eyes and pray it does not open again. I trip against a rock in the road I certainly saw and knew I would fall real hard if I didn't move. Hands reaching the hard sizzling pavement, I realize my hands hurt, and it's probably bleeding. 

The pain feels different. It was always my heart that was hurting and broken. It feels good, like a diversion, from everything hurting inside the already broken heart. 

Staring at my hands bleeding down slowly, in mesmerization, I forget where I was and didn't see the hand in front of me for the past one minute, maybe two. I don't know. I look up; It's a girl. Very pretty. Her beautiful blonde hair in perfect curls till her shoulders. When was the last time I even washed my hair? I realized I don't know.

Trying my absolute best not to make eye contact, I take her hand. I get up and mumble a thank you. I see her smile. Her dark red lipstick and her mouth moving get me caught in a trance again. She shakes me from the shoulders, and I suddenly come back again. "What?" I ask monotonously. 

"Oh, it seems you didn't hear me. I was wondering what you're doing here. It's a pretty scary place." I look around me. I wasn't here a minute ago. Where'd the people go? The annoying sellers?. I look at her again. "I don't know," I say because I don't know. "I think I am lost." She laughs. The way pretty people laugh.

"Did you get lost from the carnival?" she asks. I nod, feeling exhausted already. She smiles again, the perfect pretty smile. For a moment, I wonder what a beautiful girl like her is doing in this 'dark' alley. "Come." She says to me. "I'll take you back to the carnival." I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to hang out with anybody. But I nod and follow her lead.

"By the way, I'm Natalie," she says. She waits for me to say something, but I nod and continue walking. "What's Yours?" Natalie asks. I sigh inside, knowing I have to talk back. "It's Tris," I say as a hint that I don't want the conversation to continue any further. "That's a beautiful name." she smiles and says. She doesn't get the hint. I nod and do a small smile. 

After a few moments of peaceful silence, she interrupts again. "Hey. Uhh, I didn't know how to ask without sounding like a nosy woman," Then don't ask, ugh. "But I really can't help it. You look sad. Are you okay?" "I'm fine." I lie. "Oh, that's good," she replies, not at all believing it. 

Am I okay? No. No, I'm not. Jackson was everything to me. I loved him. I loved him so much that I didn't wait for him to tell me first. I still remember his lines. "Oh, Tris. I meant to say it sooner. I like you, Tris. I do. You're talented, beautiful, and so many other things. I'm sorry, but I'm in love with someone else." I had smiled. "oh, it's fine." and rushed out of the house. Was it fine? No, it was not.

Natalie shakes my shoulders again. "I'm sorry. I thought you weren't listening." She says with a small smile. I nod. She continues talking. "And yeah, because of that, It was the worst of times in my life. I wanted everything to end, but he was always there. And so, I fell in love. Isn't that just the perfect fairytale? I lived it." I look at her. She was smiling. She always smiled. I smile too at her naivety. She has no idea how painful her broken heart would be.

I hear the sounds again. The people, children, sellers, We're near the carnival. I start walking slower. Natalie looks back at me. "Hey, what's wrong?" I look at her. "I can't do it. I want to go home." "Of course, you can go home, Tris. You can go wherever you want, whenever you want." Can I? "I don't know what happened," She continues, "But I want you to know, time heals. It does, Tris. And talking to someone. It'll help a lot, trust me." I look at her. Her eyes are blue, prettier than the sky. "Thank you," I say with a smile.

The buzzing of people becomes louder and louder as we reach the carnival. But I realize it does not bother me much anymore. Natalie suddenly laughs. "What?" I ask. "My boyfriend. He's here," she says, looking front. I follow her gaze, and there he was.

The familiar dark brown eyes. The dark brown hair. The dimples on both sides.

Jackson.