The Sound of Loneliness

The sounds of sirens, traffic and the bustle of the city forbid her to sleep. The ghastly neon lights flooded her poorly furnished apartment.

Who knew it would be so difficult to start again somewhere new. 

She thought that moving to a vibrant and busy city would motivate her to move forward, to help her focus on what she had, not what she had lost. This was going to be her new start.

The apartment she rented wasn’t big, but she still didn’t own enough furniture to fill the space, it felt cold and empty.

‘A bit like me’ she mused as she pulled her blanket up to her chin, hoping that the lights and sounds battering her senses would subside to allow her to sleep. She couldn’t keep her eyes closed, her eyes wandered over the shadows cast by the intrusive light. The shadows spanned the length of the apartment across the empty floor. This place was not home yet, she wanted to make this work. 

‘Maybe i’ll buy a rug for the floor tomorrow’ she thought, in the hopes of making everything warmer and cosier. As she continued to plan what she wanted to do to her apartment, exhaustion eventually overtook her. 

She was awoken by an argument in the apartment underneath hers, she looked at the clock - 6AM it read. 

‘Really?! Who has the energy to argue this early?’ She dragged herself from bed to prepare for her day. She was going to visit some local shops, maybe even stop for coffee,  determined to feel a part of this city and to create a new life here. This was her fresh start and nothing was going to stop her. 

The shouting continued, she couldn’t make out exactly what the voices were saying but shortly after there was a loud slam and then crying. It reminded her of everything she had left behind. The arguments, the betrayal, the loneliness of being abandoned. 

No, she didn’t want to think about that right now. This was her chance, she was going to be happy in this new city, she will meet new people, ones that appreciate her for who she is.

With new resolve she showered, dressed and left the apartment.

As she walked along the corridor out of the complex, she saw someone getting into the elevator

“Hold the door!” she called as she raced the length of the hall. The person didn’t acknowledge her, not even a glance in her direction and the doors slid closed, with her the wrong side of them. 

“Ok, maybe they didn’t hear me” She tried to reassure herself, there was no way she was going to let this get to her. There must have been a reason for it, no one is that rude - surely. By the time she had exited her building she had convinced herself that either this stranger had tried to press the hold button but it didn’t work or that he hadn’t heard her. 

The air was cold on her cheeks, it was a crisp winter morning but there was no ice to be seen on the floor. There was too much foot and vehicle traffic through this street to allow it to form. She pulled her scarf up further, trying to bury her cold face as far into its warmth as she could. 

She watched as a herd of bobble hats and scarves jostled for position on the pavements, it was noisy, but it didn’t seem like anyone was really saying anything. It was a hum of activity that no individual sounds could be distinguished. It was just noise, like the sound of a waterfall, loud and unrelenting.  It was time for her to join the foot traffic, she had an idea of where the train station was and headed in that direction. 

The people seemed to move at the speed of the city, if you didn’t keep up with the crowd or if you tried to fight past them you would be pushed or scowled at. There was no chance to stop and take in the surroundings when enthralled in the current of bodies flowing down the pavement. 

After following this urban river for some time she decided she had to stop, she did not know where she was or even if she was still heading in the right direction anymore. She made her way to the edge of the crowd pausing in a doorway to gather her thoughts.

‘You got this’ she told herself. ‘Just ask someone for directions. It’s not like there isn’t anyone to ask’ 

“Excuse me?” She called as she stepped closer to this fast flowing river.

A man held up his hand to her and continued walking. She tried again, she got the same reaction. 

‘Wow, people must be really busy today’ she thought. She was going to remain positive, she had to. If she let herself fall apart now, she may never recover.

“Excuse me?” she tried again. This time a woman just scowled at her.

“Excuse me?” again, and again. Similar reactions. No one was willing to speak to her let alone help her.

She was starting to lose it. She was going to fall apart.

“Excuse me?!” this time she shouted. Only a few heads turned in her direction before quickly looking away. She tried waving her arms in the air, she just needed someone, anyone to acknowledge her, to speak to her. 

She felt herself falling into darkness, a place where she would no longer be herself, no longer an individual. If she stayed here, would she become one of these bobble hats oblivious to the needs of others. Intrusive thoughts of her ex’s words flew through her mind. The past that she was trying to escape - she had lost him to another woman, she wasn’t special enough, there wasn’t anything substantial or noteworthy about her. 

She could feel the hot tears rolling down her cold cheeks as she looked to the floor, joining the flow of people once again. She may have been surrounded by people, this city was full of them, but she was alone. Now more than ever.