Hot as Hell

There is something ungodly about a heatwave.

There’s just no getting comfortable when it’s too hot, you know? In my opinion, the cold is much more manageable. I mean, all you have to do to stay warm is keep moving or pile on the blankets and you’ll be alright for the most part. But with this heat, this unbearable, muggy heat, there is almost no relief, only the curse of seemingly eternal moistness. 

I know life in the city is supposed to be this love letter to Western society, where opportunities run abound and dreams come true, but that notion is mere fantasy. A lie likely concocted by rural town dwellers seeking to escape the mundane world of their parents for a life of glamor and excitement, dreaming of escaping, making it to the ‘big time’.

 I can picture them now, young teens and high school graduates alike, hanging out of their single-pane windows, sat on their flaking windowsills while singing in loud voices about “wanting more” to a choir of chirping songbirds that circle over the rusted-out roof of their doublewide trailer.

Meanwhile there comes their mommas, shuffling home down the dirt road from her shift at Biscuitville, a fate destined to befall them as well, unless they manage to escape their insignificant lives. Unless they flee that dreadful southern region that time seemed to have forgotten.

I know that’s generalizing as well, but I don’t care. I’m hot.

I can be a cranky devil when I’m hot.

The room I’m in is very small, no bigger than your standard hotel bathroom. It would be a decent size for a guest bedroom, or maybe a kid that you didn’t particularly care for, but this was the main living area of my apartment, and somehow my bedroom was even smaller. I wish the rent was as small as the apartment, maybe then I could afford a decent air conditioner.

People consistently fail to mention take space into consideration when they’re plotting their foray into the city, maybe that’s why I’m such an optimist when it comes to the unrealistic expectations these people have when they journey up from the South.

I’m sprawled out on the cheap laminate flooring, surrounded by a circle of off-white Lasko box fans.

Each one of the plastic contraptions were just rattling and shaking like a washing machine as their blades spun as fast as the little control dial would allow. To any random passer buyer who happens to be peaking in 14^th story windows, I’m sure that it may have looked like quite the scene.

Who is that mysterious woman being sacrificed by those gyrating mechanical cultists? And why were they so shaken up by their crime?   

It would be silly if it wasn’t so sad.

Outside of the open window just above my head, the noise of the city filtered in along with a slight breeze. The screams and honks of the equally uncomfortable denizens of my neighborhood had become like a free ‘white noise’ machine to me, normally it would be lulling me to sleep. I’m not totally sure I could fall asleep in actual silence, were I ever given the chance to experience it. If I wasn’t lucky on my next assignment, I very well may experience an eternal silence, as will everyone in my apartment complex.

It was my turn to repay my dues and keep my brothers and sisters from coming up from their homestead in the Deep South and engulfing our city in furious plumes of hellfire.

Siblings, am I right?

I switched teams about a year ago, siding with the human resistance as opposed to the forces of Lucifer. Nothing against daddy dearest, but I absolutely hate being hot, more than anything in the realms. It’s not normal for a demon to be that way, we’re generally better acclimated to hellish environments, but not me.

For whatever reason, I’m the odd-hellspawn-out when they were setting our internal thermostats. My eyes darted over to the chunky wall clock hanging above my little makeshift pallet of pillows in the corner. It was already 1pm, I couldn’t put it off any longer, it was time to go.

I rolled my lean frame up from the floor, springing up to my feet with my own brand of lanky grace. I paused, taking in the air circulating around me one last time before I snatched my leather bomber hat and goggles from off of a nail in the wall and made my way out of the apartment and into the dimly lit teal hallway, the old wooden door slamming behind me with authority, sending a small wave of paint ships fluttering down onto the dull concrete floor like it was snowing. As hot as it was, I wouldn’t be surprised it the flakes melted back to actual droplets of paint by the time I got back.

At least it would add a touch of color to the dull settings. 

The overhead lights in the hallway leading to the elevator where constantly dimming and flickering repeatedly, giving one the impression that they were inside a living, breathing creature. The very thought caused me to shutter a little, maybe it was one too many scary stories as a fledgling about the various monstrosities that dwelled in the wastes of our realm. The glistening sweat that had already began coating my greyish skin only amplified my unease ten-fold as several beads broke loose and traversed down to the small of my back, causing me to look around fretfully before powerwalking to the elevator doors and repeatedly tapped the metal call button like my life depended on it. 

Yes, demons can get the heebie-jeebies too, don’t be a douche about it.

I was propelled to the ground floor at the speed of smell, the smiling face of some guy advertising come community college on a flyer haphazardly taped to the panel was my only company during the tedious journey. I reached over with one of my ebony claws, and began carefully blackening out the youth’s bright, forced smile. It lightened the tension for me, at least somewhat. I took a step back against the waist high safety railing that surrounded inner portion of the elevator so that I could better survey my work as the cables lowering the elevator creaked and groaned as it continued its descent, which I thought was more than a little rude on its part.

Everyone’s a critic.

Finally making my way to the ground floor, I gave my little doodle a unibrow and a final pat goodbye as the elevator dinged perkily, opening its silver doors and unleashing what felt like the heat from the surface of the sun on my unsuspecting person. I briefly pondered even getting off before rolling my eyes stepping through the doors and into the downstairs vestibule. I stepped over the slumped bodies of my fellow tenants as I made my way to the exit, they had started to overheat as well, lying in pools of their own sweat and blood as they passed out where they stood. Even the fern by the door, once so green and handsome, had succumbed to the heatwave. It was slumped over it’s the edges of its sandy-brown pot, looking quite shriveled and sad. I would mourn for it, that fern deserved better.

Oh, and the people too.

I hastily fled the building, immediately feeling the roasting air hit my lungs as I hoped down the concrete staircase. I was moving with purpose as I skirted the side of the building, heading to the alleyway positioned behind it. I turned my head to gage how much longer I might have before the impending demonic arrival and watched as several people who had been caught walking outside had begun collapsing too, panicking those who had yet to succumb into running away screaming, not the brightest idea. It was bad enough for me to be moving this quickly, and I was built for these conditions, more or less. Before I had even rounded the corner, several other people had joined them on the sidewalk’s heated surface.

They weren’t moving at all. 

 I turned back to focus on my task, the heatwave was a sign, clear and concise that Hell was on the verge of unleashing some powerful force our way, I didn’t have time to spare.

I reached the back alley fast enough, there didn’t appear to be much to it, a blue metal dumpster sat flush with the building, next to it were several wooden pallets and an old Cheerwine crate. The asphalt was beginning to steam from the rapidly increasing temperature, causing what trash bags were inside of the dumpster to cook like an oven, sending the smell from the cooked contents wafting into the air, adding to the disgusting ambience.

I walked over to one of the newer black patched areas where the city had covered up a pothole in the street and took a knee over top of it. Using one of my nails, I quickly carved a set of sigils on top of it. I slit open my palm, causing a stream of blood to dribble onto it, causing them to activate. I took a few steps back, watching as streaks of purple light erupted into the sky like a searchlight. A corporeal black mass began to form along the ground, charges of purple and blue electricity pouring from it like waves as an odd amorphous form began rising up out of the apparent nothingness. As it rose, the blackness contracted, being absorbed into the object. Before long, the transmogrification was completed, the hidden form revealed.

The ‘DoomBuggy’ as it was known, sat on a lifted frame that housed a complex, aerodynamic suspension. The metal body of the buggy was a titanium Volkswagen bug frame, reinforced with steel plating and panels. Its tires towering over my head, only adding to the impressive size already provided by the frame. The paint had been red at one point, but had worn and faded over the decades of interdimensional travel. A pair of long aqua streaks ran along the middle of the vehicle from bumper to bumper. Mounted on top of the DoomBuggy was a pair of independently operating torrents, packed to the brim with explosive-tipped ammunition. Along the outer frame of the driver’s side door, “Azraella Morningstar” was emblazoned in orange and white block lettering.

Yeah, I know... it’s pretty badass.

I leapt up atop the front driver’s side tire, then climbed on top of the frame itself, slipping inside the buggy from the sunroof behind the two torrents.

    “Hello beautiful,” I cooed as I slid a nail into the ignition switch, and with one good twist I brought the DoomBuggy roaring to life once more.

The inside of the buggy was nothing like you might expect it to look, I mean you’d figure it probably had just a plain jane steering wheel and a gearshift, but you’d be wrong. Around the driver were a series of technical readouts and displays around a pair of joysticks which adjusted automatically to the length of my arms.

In the front console was a small cassette tape deck next to a pair of dials controlling the a/c. The center console contained several bright red toggle switches used for controlling various defense features, it also had a cupholder, which was nice.

 After strapping into my safety harness and cranking up the air conditioner to full blast, I slipped on my leather bomber cap and my goggles over my shaggy black hair. As I did, I twisted the outer metal frames of both lenses, causing them to begin glowing a vibrant red, allowing me to see all around the buggy just by moving my head. I was grinning like a fledgling on Solstice morning, exposing my pointed canines.

It felt good to be back in control of my baby, I’d never have stashed him away to begin with, but per my agreement with the mayor in exchange for my amnesty in this realm, I had to blend in as much as possible, which meant no demolition death buggy. While that was, well...sucky, it was worth it for the prize I will receive once I repel and prove my allegiance to the humans, that holiest of holies that I long for with every fiber of my being: a house with central air conditioning.

I felt my mouth watering at the very thought.

Without warning, a barrage of red flashes began occurring across my scopes as the ground all around the city grew super-heated. That displacement of energy meant only one thing…the invasion had begun.

A massive portal, similar to the one I had just summoned, erupted into existence in the middle of downtown Sloan City. I watched in amusement as a massive creature oozed from the hell gate. The lumbering yellow demon towered over the buildings surrounding it. It was a being of pure muscle, save for its sizable belly. Its cycloptic face contained rows upon rows of razor-sharp teeth. In place of hands, it wielded two massive, clawed blades grafted into the infected-looking stumps.

The demon, known as a Magog, let loose a horrifying scream as it began lumbering forward, swinging its mighty blades clear through the helpless buildings surrounding it.

    “Are you kidding me?!” I exclaimed in aggravation as I watched the bodies and rubble rain down onto the streets below.

I was fuming angry as I watched the stupid beast tear through another skyscraper, its mighty shriek causing any surviving window panes to shatter into pieces. Did Erebus really think so little of me that he just sent this big yellow waste of space? I mean, the humans, sure, but me?

 My brother, the Lord Commander of Hell’s Invasion Forces, was not one to be trifled with, even I’m frightened of taking him on in a direct confrontation of any kind, as any intelligent creature should be… but this was an insult, nothing more than child’s play.

I was going to have to send little brother a message never to underestimate me.

I pushed my tape into the cassette tape deck and cranked up the volume to my radio, Rebel Yell blared from my Kenwood speaker system as I shifted my DoomBuggy into ‘Turbo’ mode and took hold of the joysticks.

    “Let’s dance, mustard head!” I screamed aloud, jamming both of my joysticks forward with vigor as I propelled my craft forward towards the Magog like a runaway rocket, my duel torrent canons began glowing to life as I grew closer to the monster.

    “Rrrawrrrrghhhh!” The Magog bellowed as it slammed its blades together, sending a wall of sparks flying my way as it prepared to strike my now airborne vehicle.

Explosions ensued, blood coated every inch of the surrounding buildings, onlookers and reporters alike scrambled to avoid becoming collateral damage as my speakers continued piping Billy Idol through my speaker system. In a flourish of skill and vengeance I evaded several near-fatal attacks, dodging and weaving as I lit into him with every weapon at my disposal. I felt a ping of self-doubt creep into my mind as the Magog resisted my assault far more effectively than I could’ve predicted. It eluded my heavy hitters in a manner which I had thought previously impossible for a creature of that size.

    “This is the lesson,” I realized as emergency lights began flashing following a solid hit from one of the Magog’s blades.

Erebus wasn’t belittling me, he was teaching me. I could almost see his beautiful purple eyes glint in amusement as I pictured my twin’s retort to my anger just as they had when he would beat me at chess back when we were fledglings together in Hell, gathered around an obsidian board after Sunday School one afternoon.

    “I don’t get it… I’m older, I should be better than you!” I recalled shouting at my level-headed brother.

    “Az, you’re just as clever as I am, and you likely always will be, but you need to look at pawns with more care rather than being so dismissive of them. All it takes is a well-placed pawn to fell a king, never forget that.”

    “I won’t,” I said aloud to myself as I smiled at the memory. “Okay Mr. Pawn, dodge this!” I grunted.

Twisting both joysticks inversely towards one another, I pushed forward once more, activating the emergency booster rockets and sending the DoomBuggy hurtling towards the belly of the beast at a supersonic speed...

***

Just outside of Sloan city limits, there was a lovely two-story brick house with a grey metal roof perched on top of a respectable hill overlooking the shimmering glory of a manmade pond in the summer heat. Though it was still incredibly hot due to Global Warming and whatnot, it was no longer ungodly so.

My lanky form was laid out atop the tan carpet in my living room like a towel left out to dry. Over my sleepy head there was a duct pumping out waves and waves of that sweet, sweet central air. As I yawned, I stretched my long limbs, feeling several satisfying pops before returning to my prone state.

The Magog was dead, my new home and central air was secured from the grateful new mayor, following the death of her predecessor in the destruction.

I also received what I can only assume was a congratulatory gift from Erebus, a small skeletal hellhound pup named Sirius with flaming embers for eyes and a taste for virgins. He was a cute little guy. The walking xylophone pranced up to me and started licking my dace with his coal black tongue, causing me to giggle.

    “Sirius, down!” I sniggered, petting the puppy on his bony little head.

He nestled beside me and soon began snoring lightly. I felt my own eyelids grow heavy as I decided to join him.

The dog days of summer aren’t so bad with a friend.