NAMELESS

***mild suggestion of child abuse***

Grazyna wandered down the deserted street. There were no children around. It was too early yet, she decided, for the Australian mums to let their children play outside after school and most Australian fathers were probably still at work. In Grazyna’s case, neither parent was at home. Amongst other names her Australian classmates called her, they dubbed her that foreign “latch-key kid”, and their mums were reluctant to let their darlings play with her. After all, you never knew about these European immigrants who had decided to settle in Australia after World War 2. Grazyna wasn’t 100% sure what being a latch-key kid meant, but she thought it had something to do with a child who comes home to an empty house every day, like Grazyna. Her father told her that couldn’t be helped since as “New Australians”, they were now so lucky to finally have their own home and something called a “big mortgage”, but that meant both mummy and daddy had to work in factories. Her Polish father seemed so proud they had their own home even though it was bereft of furnishings and both parents had to work. But he gave Grazyna her own key and expected her to be very grown up about coming home to this empty house. Grazyna was 7.

She had done all her homework as soon as she got home. Daddy demanded that of her and no excuses or she would get his strap across her bare backside. She was also warned not to leave the house while he and mummy weren’t home. But she was so bored. At least in the camps at Chullora where they lived before, there were lots of Polish kids like her, and their Babushkas always had a big pot of stew or soup for the children after school. There was lots of happy chatter and laughter while everyone waited for the parents to get back from work. But here in this new house? There was only Grazyna, the beds on which they slept, an ugly wooden green table in the kitchen and three chairs…no other furniture. They couldn’t afford it. So when Grazyna wandered around the empty house, she’d console herself by singing and pretending she was one of those pretty movie stars her mama so admired. And Grazyna’s voice would echo back from the cold concrete walls making her sound good. But what good was sounding good when there was no-one around to hear her? 

Grazyna had decided to risk going for a walk. Her parents wouldn’t get home till it was starting to darken. She had plenty of time she reasoned. As she turned the corner near the end of her street, she noticed some new homes under construction. A voice inside her head suggested it would be fun to explore them as long as she was careful. Another voice reminded Grazyna her father would be furious about her having left the house. 

“What should I do?” She asked herself. Deep inside, she knew she should turn around and head back home, but the little rebel inside her that surfaced now and then whispered more loudly today.

“What could happen?” She reasoned. This was just several bunches of wooden blocks shaped like houses. Climbing across the boards would be a fun and courageous thing to do. After all, her father had always encouraged her to be brave. 

“No child of mine is a chicken or scaredy cat!” He often told her, like the time he offered her some yeast wrapped in foil and told her it was candy. She didn’t want to try it but she knew if she refused, he would get mad. So she put the chunk of yeast in her mouth to prove her courage and obedience. It tasted horrible. She started to gag. He told her not to spit it out. 

“Swallow it!” He demanded. Tears poured down her face as she gagged again and again. She looked at him imploringly but did what she was told. 

“Good girl!” He smiled, patting her on the head. “Oh, by the way, did I mention that was poison!” 

Grazyna burst into tears again but her father said, “I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t poison my little girl, would I? I was testing your obedience and courage.”

So right now, Grazyna decided she would be more courageous than obedient and have some fun. It was then she heard some mewing sounds coming from somewhere. There! Over there in a corner wedged between two floor beams was a cardboard box. Being careful not to slip between the rough building boards, Grazyna made her way over to the box. Inside were 5 of the tiniest kittens she had ever seen. Their weeny eyes were shut tight but four of them were mewing and mewing and pushing rhythmically on the kitten nearest to them. But the fifth one was nestled in the furthest corner of the box, not making a sound. Was it dead? Grazyna wanted to pick it up but was suddenly afraid. She had never held something dead. For a second, her courage deserted her, but only for a second.

“Be brave!” She told herself. In one swift motion, she picked up the kitten. Its body was warm. It began mewing and trying to see her through its sweet closed eyes. Grazyna hugged the kitten to her chest and felt love pouring into her heart for this tiny abandoned creature, a miniature Grazyna: alone, lonely, friendless.

But now what was she to do? She had to get home, but she couldn’t bring herself to put the kitten back. If she took it home, her father would ask where it came from. Then he’d know she left the house. Oh what to do? 

Grazyna made a decision: if they discovered the kitten, she would lie. She often lied because she had to. Unfortunately, her father usually caught her in her lies and she was severely punished but she decided this time, being caught was better than abandoning a lonely kitten. She knew the feeling of abandonment too well. Besides, her heart already ached with love for the kitten. She had to keep it. She cupped the kitten tightly to her chest and ran home. Good! Her parents weren’t there yet. Grazyna dashed to where mama stored rags for cleaning the floor, found a small empty box in the back of the cupboard and made a little bed for the kitten. She decided she would hide it under her bed and only take it out when her parents left for work. As she tucked the kitten in, she thought,

“What shall I name you? I know, Nameless! You can be nameless. Without a name as horrible as Grazyna, no-one will pick on you and tell you what an ugly name that is and how ugly you are…not that you’re ugly,” she apologized hastily to her kitten.

Nameless drifted off to sleep again while Grazyna stared and stared at her beloved kitten. Oh how she loved Nameless. He or she was beautiful. She didn’t know how to tell a boy kitten from a girl kitten but decided that Nameless must be a girl because she was so pretty. Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by Nameless’ mewing. Oh my goodness. Her parents would be home any time now. They would hear the mewing. What should she do? Grazyna grabbed the box, ran into the backyard and through the fence gate that led to the field behind their house. She looked for a bush behind which to shelter Nameless. She found a good one, nestled Nameless’ bedbox within it, and sat on the nearby dirt to keep watching her kitten sleep. But now another thought struck her: how would she feed Nameless? Grazyna ran back into the house, poured some milk into a tiny bowl, and being as careful as she could not to spill it, raced back to the hungry kitten who was now mewing non-stop. Grazyna picked up Nameless and tried to get her to drink from the bowl. 

“Come on, Nameless. Please try to drink or you’ll die!” Grazyna had forgotten that Nameless couldn’t even see the bowl, so she put a little bit of milk on her finger and tried to force the milk into the kitten’s mouth. She started to cry. It wasn’t working. Nameless simply couldn’t sip even off her finger. What was Grazyna to do? Her parents would know what to do, but she didn’t dare tell them about Nameless. And at that moment, she heard her Father calling for her. Darn, they were home.

“What are you doing in that back field when it’s getting dark?” Her father asked. “You know I told you it’s dangerous in the backfield even during the daytime.”

“Yes Daddy,” Grazyna replied, her mind racing as she thought about her hungry kitten back there, alone in the dark. But to stop her father from asking any more questions about being in the field, she quickly blurted out that she been a good girl, come home and done all her homework already and asked him if he’d like to see her work. He did, so Grazyna quickly dragged it out of her schoolbag to show him. In bed later, she tossed and turned, thinking about Nameless, worrying that some larger animal might find her overnight, and wondering how on earth she was going to keep her beautiful little kitten alive if she couldn’t get her to eat.

Each morning for the next three days, as soon as her parents left for work, Grazyna grabbed her schoolbooks and tore up the back to check on Nameless. She carried an empty pill container of milk to feed the kitten, but despite Grazyna’s best efforts and little Nameless desperately searching for a teat to suck, they were both unsuccessful. 

“I’ll be back as soon as I get home from school,” Grazyna promised Nameless as she hugged her and put her back in her bedbox. But each afternoon and the next morning, the results were the same: Nameless couldn’t get enough of the life-sustaining milk from Grazyna’s finger.

On the 4th morning, Grazyna lifted Nameless from her box but the kitten felt strange. It was cold, stiff. It didn’t mew. Grazyna didn’t want to believe what her broken heart was telling her: her beloved kitten was gone.

“No!” She cried. “No Nameless. You can’t be dead. I tried so hard,” Grazyna sobbed. “Come back to me. I’ll find some other way to feed you even if I have to ask mummy,” she promised. But deep inside, Grazyna knew asking mummy was a waste of time. Nameless was gone forever.

That day after school, Grazyna rushed home hoping against hope that maybe somehow, miraculously, Nameless had revived. She hadn’t. Fresh tears flowed as Grazyna grabbed a tablespoon from the kitchen drawer and returned to the back field. Next to the bush that had sheltered Nameless, she used the spoon to dig a shallow grave. Picking up her lifeless kitten one last time, she hugged it and kissed its tiny head. Then she swaddled it in its rag blankets, put it gently back into its box, and lowered the box into the freshly dug hole. As she covered the hole back up with soil, through fresh tears she apologized to Nameless one last time:

“I’m sorry my beautiful kitten that I didn’t have the courage to ask my parents how I could feed you. I felt so sure I could get you to eat. How could I be so wrong? Please forgive me. I will visit you here every day after school. I will never forget you, my darling Nameless.”

Grazyna kept her promise. Decades later she still remembered her first heartbreak and first love: a tiny, nameless kitten.