On Top of the Meadow

Eros you stubborn little prick.

"C'mon now, it'll be for the best," I said in a quiet tone as I patted his back and put in a 'there there,' for good measure. "That's your best at comforting?" even at moments like these, he is still sarcastic. All I could do is sigh and sit beside him. "At least I'm trying," I admitted at my pathetic excuse at trying to produce solace. 

The grass felt like ants underneath my bare legs. Swaying back and forth as if it was walking. Making me scratch it lightly. The sun was setting down in the distance. Its orange light spreading at the grass, creating an image of a painting only you can see in art galleries. The red and white plaid picnic blanket folded in half and some utensils were left outside. No, not abandoned, just waiting.

"New York?" His tired voice broke the evident silence. I looked down at the grass as I plucked it out one by one. "New York," trying to get my voice as enthusiastic as possible, but failed as a rustle of breath left my mouth. I stretched out my hands and put them behind my back, becoming a sort of support. I basked in the glow of the eventide, closing my eyes. Not wanting to look at him.

"Madeline," he used my full name. Not Didi, not Maddie. Madeline. I hummed in response. "Why are you even telling me this?," And that was the question. The question I couldn't answer, because to answer that. Another question needed to be answered. "I just felt like you needed to know," I replied. The way that he blended with the silence was enough to know he was not contented with the answer. 

"I've known you since we were in high school," I tried to make an excuse as to why I said to him that I'm leaving. "That isn't a good answer," he countered. "I know," a sigh left my lips. I noticed the distance between our hands. That was our situation, always close, but not close enough. "Well, I had a crush on you," reminiscing our first year in high school which I confessed to him. "You know I didn't believe you at first," he stifled a laugh. "I just had to see your reaction," I chuckled and added, "I never knew that it'd be true," I admitted. 

"We had a lot of fun, but we were never close, "I turned my head only to see him looking at me. I faintly backed away — a result of my reflex. I can hear him breathe through his mouth. A hint of sadness perceptible in his hazelnut eyes. I swallowed lightly, maybe I offended him," I mean not that kind of close," awkwardly laughing. “We did fight at times,” he conceded. In which I quickly replied, “it was mostly my fault.” “Remember the time you threw our project off the second floor?,” he said and I laughed at the silly memory. “It was because you thought I hid the stapler, but I didn’t,” I almost shouted as I made a point. “I know, I’m sorry,” he chortled. 

“You’ll visit?” He asked in a dejected way. He always does this, showing a fake sign of concern. “Why do you do that?” I finally asked him after years. Years of just ignoring this phony sentiment that he puts out. I peer over my attention to his face. His eyebrows scrunched as it met in the middle and his mouth somewhat agape. Probably trying to answer my question. “Acting like you’re worried?” I cleared the question up for him. “I am worried,” he retorted. “No, you’re not!” I denied his answer. “You always show this kind of emotion when my guard is down. When you know that my life has been fine, you start making me into a fool!” I emphasized the word fool. “A fool?!,” he asked in disbelief as he turned his head away and licked his lips in frustration. 

I stood up, “I shouldn’t have told you,” I quickly fixed up the utensils and the blanket that was laid on the ground. “You know what, let’s talk. Let’s talk about it,” his voice getting higher as it growled more. “What do you want from me?” he grabbed my shoulder and forced me to face him. I sloppily brushed his hands off my shoulder. “Nothing!,” I shouted as my arm flailed about. “Then why are you angry for some reason?” his voice echoed throughout the vast meadow we’re in. The birds that were startled flew away. Tears began to fill my eyes as I tried to find the right words to express how I feel. My focus scattered, noticing everything all at once. Seeking something.

“You know why I’m angry at you?,” my voice was calmer, but with anger apparent in my tone as I spoke to him. “Tell me,” he begged sarcastically. I really can’t believe this guy. Looking him straight in the eye, “because every time you are concerned. It seemed like the most effective weapon to get me to lose,” “You started the fight!” he defended himself. “I know!” exclaiming. My knees weaken as I knelt into the scrunched-up plaid blanket that was neatly folded in half earlier. “I know,” I sighed and began to sob. I sensed him squatting down and soon I felt his hands on my face. His hands encased my face. Covering my reddened and messed up face,” No,” I said. “Why?” there it was again, that concern. “Looking at you makes me want to stay,” there I admitted. I hear him sigh. There were a lot of sighs today. A sigh of relief, defeat, and regret. I slowly let my hands down. A familiar gush of wind welcomed me. Blowing my hair to the side.

His glasses were in his right hand, while his left hand massaged his forehead. “Why do I always lose when we fight?,” I whispered, my head turning away from the sight in front of me. My limbs became heavier and my voice hoarse. “You never lost,” his voice laced with defeat. My head slowly perked up as my eyes traveled to his face. “You always won, I’m sorry I never told you.” My brain tried to process his words, yet no proper explanation popped up. “Do you know what my first thought was earlier when you said to me you’re leaving?” he asked rhetorically. “Please stay,” it came out breathy. He was pleading. 

A quarter of the sun was already swallowed by the meadow. The breeze getting stronger and colder as time passes by. Stars began to appear with the moon coming up behind them. The grass danced as the wind swayed it side to side. Making the orange light sparkle. Like a wave of fire as it flows in the field, while darkness followed behind taking up the fiery red hue.

My hand captured his wet right cheek. He held my hand that engulfed him and watch him as he melted into my touch. “I need you.” A quiet gasp broke out my mouth. Stop. Time stopped as I stared into his eyes. My thumb rubbed his face and my lip was swerving into a smile. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked him, my words a bit shaky as I said them. “I was scared that if I do, you’ll distance yourself away from me. So, I accepted the fact that it was better to stay like this. “ He took a breath and continued, “But it was so infuriating. Whenever we’re together, I hated the fact that our hands were inches apart yet I can’t hold it. Or I can’t fully stare into your eyes because I felt like I didn’t deserve it. I hate how you’re always so close,” he paused and stared into my eyes. “But not close enough.” We have the same thoughts after all.

“You make me better without knowing it. How the mere thought of you makes me smile. Everything black and white took color. I finally understood why I want to stay and continue to live, even if I’m walking behind you,” my heart skipped a beat at his heartfelt speech. I never saw this side of him before and makes me happy that I get to witness it. “I can stay,” I proposed. “That’s just it,” he quickly replied. “I need you, but what I do need is for you to be happy. Art has always been your dream and I’m not selfish enough to take that from you.”

“I need you too,” I said and moved closer to him. Cupping his face and leaning my forehead into his. I closed my eyes as I felt his breath on my lips “Is this close enough?” I asked and I felt his lips curve up in response. “For now, it is.” "I'll close the space when I visit." I snickered.

"Now I can't wait for you to leave," I giggled at his answer.