No Laughing Matter

“Is this it? This insignificant little speck on the edge of the galaxy?” She waved her elegant long fingers at the main screen in front of her. “What's so important about a remote little planet with nothing but primitive methods of propulsion that can't even take them beyond their own solar system? I mean, why are we bothering?”

“Look, we're not here to study their technology, so stop tracking every object that flits past us. It's not part of our mission. We have other departments who are trying to control their frustration at what they're doing. You know we've got a very important assignment. We tried to feed knowledge gently to them ever since we first had contact with them, but it's not working out well. They're abusing that knowledge, and we now have to stop them pressing the self-destruct button. So now it's time to take a different approach.”

She looked puzzled at first, and then the penny dropped. “Oh, I see. We want to know what makes them tick.”

“Tick? What do you mean, tick? They're not mechanical you know. They're organic. Living organisms don't tick.”

“Just a figure of speech. Okay, I'm beginning to see why this mission is important. I mean, although they're very much like us, obviously, because we did have a hand in their evolution, there are many aspects of their development that we don't fully understand. And that's why I was assigned to this project.”

“Well I did wonder,” he sneered. “I always thought your brain was wired differently. Probably due to your being one of the few females in this outfit.”

She returned the sneer. “Yeah. You've just proved that you're not as evolved as I am with that remark. You sound like a human. Now, let's just concentrate on what we're here for.”

“Okay, so where do we start?”

“Well,” she mused, “there is something that's been puzzling us for a very long time. We're familiar with all of their different languages, obviously, and we have known for some time that their thought processes are basically similar in all their social groups. But there is one aspect of the way they communicate which seems to be unique to their species.”

“Yes, but it's not only humans who communicate, is it? Lots of other creatures make noises at each other – all sorts of grunts, roars, whistles and squeaks, and we haven't a scooby what they're saying.”

“Scooby?”

He looked at her pityingly. “Just a figure of speech.”

“Yes, well, we haven't made any comprehensive study of the other creatures yet, but they're not the ones trying to mess up the planet.”

“ So you think that by understanding their society more fully we can help them to make better choices? Huh. Good luck with that, then.”

“I'm going to need it. To be honest I'm stumped. Even though I've studied them for centuries, I've found one weird thing that they do that is impossible to translate into logical behaviour.”

“But you're the queen of logic. It shouldn't be difficult for you.”

“Oh, there you go again. Your sarcasm is so infantile.”

“I apologise. So, what's the weird stuff?”

“Okay, here goes.” She took a deep breath, and proceeded to make a variety of sounds which she found difficult at first, but after gaining confidence, flowed out and resonated around the vessel. He stared at her in astonishment.

“So what are you saying? Is it another language?”

She stopped. “If it is, it's used by all the different cultures on the planet, and the accent is the same in all languages.”

“Well they all make some kind of music, with variations, of course -”

She shook her head. “It's not music, we know all the styles of music. Did it sound melodic to you?”

“No, certainly not. So, when does this noise happen? That should give you a clue.”

“It happens completely unexpectedly. You can't predict it. To give you an example, I could be monitoring a conversation, when one of the participants would suddenly emit the sound, and very often the other one would join in.”

He looked puzzled. “But surely that would interrupt the flow of the conversation?”

“Yes, it does.”

“So what's the purpose of it?”

“That's what I'm trying to find out. But the fact that it happens in so many different circumstances makes it extremely difficult.”

“So not just in ordinary conversation?”

“Oh no, there are many occasions where it happens, often involving great numbers of people, whose attention is focused on one or several individuals. They all make the sound together, and it can go on for a long time, or it just comes out in short bursts. And then the proceedings continue as if it never happened. Until the next time.”

He wanted to impress her with some intelligent input, and thought for a moment. “Does it only happen during communication, or is there evidence of it in a visual context?”

“Visual? How do you mean?”

“Erm, not sure. Maybe as a reaction to something observed?”

“Well, yes, you might have something there.”

“Oh, goody! I'm glad I'm able to contribute something useful. I was beginning to develop a slight inferiority complex.”

“Impossible.”

“I know. So, where are we? They react to something they hear or see, and according to you, they do it when one starts it, or several begin it, and others join in.”

She looked at him. “You've just hit the nail on the head.”

“That's got to be another figure of speech. I haven't hit anything.”

She ignored that. “It affects them when they've been exposed to it. What does that suggest to you?”

“It's an infection?”

“It's the only explanation.”

Suddenly the door swished open, and a research assistant dashed towards them waving her hands and making the same sounds demonstrated previously by her boss.

“I've got it! Hahahaha! It's called laughing! I've got it!” She paused, drew a deep breath and then collapsed on the floor, giggling.

He looked at her in horror. “You've been infected! How did that happen? There's been no physical contact.”

The victim look at him with tears in her large oval eyes. “There doesn't have to be. You just have to see or hear something.... that...... is.......FUNNY!”

“Funny? What do you mean, funny?”

She frowned. “It's a kind of concept. I don't understand how it happens, or why. I just saw something that some humans were doing, and they started this laughing, and I knew it was funny.”

The memory of it started her off again, and they knew they were not going to get any further without being infected themselves.

“We've got to quarantine her, and get out of here,” he said urgently. “This could be catastrophic for our civilization. An epidemic like this could wipe us all out.”

She looked at him in horror. “It could be Armageddon, in fact.”

“Armageddon? Wait a minute!” A slow smile began to transform his face. “In that case, Armageddon out of here!”

“What? I don't understand what you're saying!”

“I think – I've just made a play on words.”

“Is that supposed to be funny?

“Yes, I think it is a sort of funny. What do you think?”

“I like it.” She paused for a moment. “It makes me feel – peculiar – odd – funny, in fact!” She started to laugh, and this time the sound came more easily, and she was surprised at how it amused her. “Yes, that was funny!”

“You see? It's contagious. I was right!”

The damage was done. They realised that there was nothing their society was going to be able to do for this little planet. It was doomed to destroy itself. The only consolation was that they would probably die laughing.

With a great deal of effort and concentration in between giggles, they programmed in a course for home, and resigned themselves to a period in the contagion tank, which they did not regard as frightening a prospect as they might have otherwise expected.

And as the little craft sped towards the centre of the galaxy, it left in its wake the pealing sounds of laughter which echoed in the spaces between the stars.