Erasure

Eighteen seemed like such a long time ago. In reality only three years had passed in the meantime, but for Marnie those those short years felt like a lifetime. Now twenty-one years old Marnie was making her way around Wellington for the first time since she left. Strolling through the cities streets, she passed cafes, shops and restaurants, some she could remember and others that must have popped up while she was away. After walking past a long drag of storefronts she came to a stop in front of a large high-rise building. Above the door of the building was a green sign stating: Willis Street Hall.

3 Years Earlier

Marnie could hardly contain her excitement. Today was the day she moved away from her small country town to the city of Wellington. She had visited Wellington a few times prior to moving and absolutely fell in love with the city and university there. Wellington was full of art and culture as well as a wide variety of people which was in stark contrast to her conservative home town. It was a fresh start for Marnie, who saw this move as an opportunity to gain her own identity and fulfill her dream of becoming a writer.

Marnie moved into a hall of residence only five minutes away from the university campus. Ditching the meet and greet with the other students in the hall, she left to meet up with some friends from high school who were planning to go to an orientation week toga party that night. Donning white bed sheets and finishing off the last of their pre-mixed drinks, Marnie and her friends Lucy and Norah headed into the party feeling a mix of nerves and excitement. Marnie had never been the type for parties before but felt compelled to embrace the typical student lifestyle.

After drinking a couple of the overpriced drinks that were on sale Marnie decided to join her friends on the dance floor. She squeezed her way through a crowd of people until she found her friends. Just as she arrived a tall, blonde guy walked behind Norah and aggressively grabbed her ass. Norah turned and pulled the finger at him but he was already walking away, laughing with his friends.

''Ignore it'' Lucy said looking unfazed, ''that’s bound to happen at places like this.''

A sense of extreme vulnerability washed over Marnie and she felt all the strangers around her was looking at her like predators hunting prey, ready to pounce. Her heart began beating in time with the fast paced drum and bass music that was playing and she could feel her vision spiraling. 

''I’m just going outside to get some air'' she said timidly, and began fighting her way through the crowd and out the door.

The cold air hit her like a refreshing wave and instantly calmed her down. Marnie had never been good with crowds but had hoped she would be able to get over that this year. She leaned her back against the side of the building and breathed in the fresh air, trying to gain the courage to head back inside. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a boy around her age leave the building and make his way towards her. He was a bit taller than her and had curly brown hair with a laurel wreath headband on to go with the toga party theme. Marnie would be lying if she said she didn’t find him attractive.

''Not much of a party person either?'' He asked her warmly.

''Not particularly'' she said. She tried to think of something else to say but no words were coming to her mind so she left it at that.

The boy introduced himself as Colin. As the pair chatted Marnie learnt that he too had just moved to Wellington and he had actually come from the same hometown as Marnie. Due to the high schools being single sex in their hometown they had never met before but Marnie was glad they had something to bond over. 

Within a month the two were dating. Marnie had had trouble making new friends in her hall so would often spend time at Willis Street Hall where Colin was living. Colin and his friends were all art students and Marnie felt very plain and uncultured compared to them although she tried her best to fit in. Classes had begun the week after the toga party and Marnie would often attempt to find a row of seats where she could sit by herself. None of her friends were taking the same classes as she was so she found attending classes very daunting. In her spare time she tried to catch up on readings for her classes. Marnie was studying The Turn of the Screw in between classes when she got a text from Colin asking her to catch up. When she declined and tried to reschedule to later in the day he teased her by saying that she must not have liked him if she wouldn’t skip class to spend time together. Marnie felt her muscles tense up as she read that text. She had never met someone she liked as much as Colin before, let alone someone who also liked her back. In order to show her commitment to him she decided she could skip her afternoon class and visit him instead.

An end of trimester celebration had been organised by Norah and the tree girls were meant to be going out for cocktails on the last Friday of term. Marnie hadn’t been able to see her friends as often anymore as she felt her time was better spent with Colin, but she was looking forward to getting a chance to relax with the girls. Thursday night Marnie was at Colin’s hall; most of her nights were spent there now as she often dreaded going back to the loneliness at her own hall. Colin asked what her plans were for Friday night and if she wanted to do something with him. Marnie told him she was meeting up with her friends even though she could have sworn she had told him that already. A frown grew on his face and Marnie asked him what was wrong.

''I’m not sure how I feel about you going out without me, what if something happens and you end up with another guy?''

Marnie chuckled slightly thinking it was a joke but the look on Colin’s face indicated that it wasn’t.

''Of course that wouldn’t happen, don’t you trust me?'' 

''It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust other guys.'' Colin said coldly before turning away from her.

The following morning Marnie texted her friends to tell them she wasn’t feeling well and wouldn’t be able to make it to cocktails.

Halfway through the year Marnie felt like her relationship with Colin was only growing stronger. Due to how uncomfortable she felt in her own hall she applied for a transfer to Willis Street and got accepted. Marnie was happy to have her room only one floor above Colin, although she still spent most of her time in Colin’s room. Both Colin and Marnie were doing well in their classes although Marnie had received mostly B’s and C’s. 

Marnie was spending the night in the hall's common room with Colin and his friends. They had decided to have a few drinks and after a few hours Marnie and Colin returned to his room. Marnie collapsed on the bed trying to stop the room from spinning. She felt like she could fall asleep at any moment and began crawling into bed. She felt Colin squeeze into the single bed next to her and noticed he had already completely undressed. His hands began caressing her thighs and Marnie moved her own hand up to stop him.

''I’m sorry, not tonight please. I’m so tired and feel sick.'' she told him feebly.

Colin’s hands continued to roam and until he pulled her from her side to her back and climbed on top of her. Marnie made weak attempts to push his hips away with her hands but his strength overpowered hers and after a while she decided the best thing to do would be to stay silent. When it was over he thanked her and asked if it was ok for her. As always Marnie said yes.

Towards the end of the school year Marnie had almost completely stopped going to her classes. She spent most of her time in Colin’s bed and often wouldn’t leave for upwards of a week. Even going to the shower was a challenge, and when she did have a shower she would find herself breaking down crying, though she couldn’t quite understand why. Marnie often relied on Colin to go and get her food because the thought of leaving the room to go to the shared kitchen brought her so much stress that that too would often cause her to cry. Marnie felt lucky to have Colin in these times as he helped her through what she was feeling. She was very rarely in contact with her friends and family so felt like Colin was the only person she had who would support her. 

Marnie had somehow managed to scrap through the school year with mostly passable grades although she did fail one class. She was back in her hometown for the summer break and found herself thinking a lot about what she would do next year. The idea of returning university with Colin made her feel intense dread but getting a job in her hometown also did not appeal to her. With some time apart she had come to realise that she wasn’t sure she really liked Colin much anymore, although she couldn’t quite understand why. It wasn’t until she was at a get together with some old friends from high school that she figured out what to do. A girl she went to school with had moved to the UK and had a spare room available in her flat which she offered to Marnie. That night once Marnie was home she bought the plane tickets without even consulting Colin.

In the weeks leading up to the move Colin tried whatever he could to convince her to stay, even once implying that he would take his life if she left. It took all of Marnie’s strength to resist and she even considered continuing a long distance relationship with him for a while, although her mother managed to talk her out of that. Once overseas, with some distance put between them, she realised all the pain and torment Colin had put her through. At times she would feel like it was her own fault, maybe she was too passive and didn’t do enough to stop him but these thoughts were rare. While overseas she made new friends, worked on her writing, and even had a brief, but much healthier relationship which taught her how she should expect to be treated. She sensed her mood improving and felt like she was breaking free of a prison she had not previously noticed she was locked in.

By her twenty-first birthday Marnie knew it was time to return to her home country. Most of her old friends were still living in Wellington so she decided to re-enroll in university and continue her study there. She heard through the grapevine that Colin had moved to a different part of the country. While she would no longer have to see him, Marnie associated much of the city with him. She was anxious that when she returned the memories would send her spiraling again, but she knew that she could not keep running from him. It was time to face her past.

Present Day

As Marnie stared up at the Willis Street Hall, a place where she had felt the lowest she had ever felt, she was surprised to feel very little. She had expected a rush of emotion and flashbacks to the night where Colin assaulted her, but nothing happened. Marnie was relieved when she realised that finally Colin was no longer in control of her and she was finally free to live her own life. When once it felt like he had completely erased Marnie from herself and made her part of him, she was now able to erase him from her mind. Marnie reached into her phone and revived the old group chat she had with Lucy and Norah. She texted them saying she was in Wellington again and asked if they wanted to catch up later and was pleased when they both replied yes.

''Let's meet up for cocktails'' she typed ''I have a lot to catch you up on.''