6 miles away

I type out a text slowly.

i wish i could touch you

hold you in my arms

I lock my phone and take a deep breath. After a moment, my phone buzzes and I unlock it, viewing the message.

i know. me too.

~~~~~~

It all started in my bed, alone, on my phone.

Another night of loneliness and boredom, eased only slightly by Netflix and meaningless conversations with strangers.

I reluctantly opened Tinder. I swipe and swipe, until I come upon a profile that piques my interest.

Phoebe, 20

6 miles away

Her bio read something generic like: “Bored and looking for someone to talk to.” I didn’t really remember it for long. I was paying more attention to her pictures.

She wasn’t the most attractive person I’d ever seen, but she was cute. 

I had decided to swipe right already, but I kept tapping through pictures. I stopped on one of her at the beach.

She was sitting, slouched with her waist wrapped in a towel, her hair still wet. Her face was sunburned and she was clearly mid-giggle.

I was sort of in awe of her for a moment.

It was so genuine and unfiltered. She wasn’t in the most attractive position, but it was natural and real and I couldn’t help but be drawn in.

I crossed my fingers and swiped right.

Nothing happened.

I sighed, closing the app and my phone and eventually falling asleep.

~~~~

The next day went as expected: Netflix, online classes, more Netflix, walk to the park, even more Netflix, until…

My phone buzzed. New match on Tinder.

I mindlessly unlocked my phone, still focused on my show.

I do a double take as I see who it is: Phoebe.

I paused my show and tried to think of what to say. I don’t want this to fizzle out just yet.

I struggled to compose my thoughts for a few minutes.

Suddenly, I receive a message. It’s from her.

ok quick question. is olive short for olivia or is it just olive? i need to know

I can’t help but smile.

just olive

I want to write more, but I can’t seem to find the words, so the conversation stalls for a couple days.

Finally she responds:

i’m a biochemistry major. hbu?

animation. i’ve drawn a lot of comics, so I want to be a storyboard artist.

that’s great! i’m interested in forensics

oh, that’s really cool. it sounds so interesting, but i’m a bit too squeamish.

We keep going like this, talking about shows we’re watching, baking, sewing, and other random home ventures. This goes on for weeks.

Finally I pop the question:

would you maybe wanna facetime or zoom or whatever?

I waited for a response, but none came. I set down my phone, defeated, but after a few hours, my phone buzzed

sounds good :)

~~~~

The night before, I couldn’t get to sleep until four. Fortunately, I’d prepared for this possibility and suggested 2 pm.

I woke up around noon and ate a bowl of cereal. I washed my dish before getting dressed (slightly cuter than normal). I was never big on makeup, so I just filled in my eyebrows and put on mascara.

I was ready by 1:30, so I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I ended up cleaning my room for around fifteen minutes before texting Phoebe. (I finally got her number!)

A few minutes later, I received a call on Facetime. I took a deep breath, crawled onto my bed and answered.

“Hi!” she smiled brightly.

“Hey,” I responded.

Neither of us said anything for a moment.

“So far so good,” I sarcastically input.

She laughed and I found myself sucked in yet again.

“I… um… I don’t know if I can really explain how much I love your smile… “ I say cautiously.

She gave a half smile, unsure how to feel.

“It’s like… innocent and maybe a little naive, but it makes me feel like there’s nothing wrong or bad or broken, which I haven’t really felt before.”

She tilted her head, “Are you…” she thought for a moment, “Do you perceive yourself as broken?”

I can’t help but notice the slight rasp in her voice. It might make me swoon if I were the type.

“You’re more perceptive than half of the therapists I’ve had.” I laughed slightly. “Kind of, yeah.”

“Why?... If you don’t mind.”

I told her about my anxiety and depression and the therapists and the cocktail of medications I’m on.

All she replied was, “So?”

I didn’t think one word could hit me so hard. Nobody had asked that before. She really didn’t think I was.

I realized I’d been silent for a while, “It’s just that I used to feel okay, until slowly, weight got added and added, until I was crushed under it. So, I guess because I used to be okay.”

It was her turn for silence

“Can I ask what it is for you?”

Her eyebrows knit together, “What what is?”

“What’s crushing you.”

She sighed, “Now who’s perceptive?... It’s just my family.”

“Are they…?”

“Not abusive, at least I don’t think it is. It’s just toxic. They’re conservative and I’m…”

“Yikes.” I jumped in.

She smiled and nodded. “But even without that, I’m just not myself around them… Sorry, kind of a downer. What’s your family like?”

“It’s really just my mom. We have contact with her brother and parents, but we don’t see them very often. Anyway, she’s great. Maybe the best person I know.”

“Why do I feel a but coming?” she asked

“I just feel like a burden to her.” I can’t look at her. I don’t want to see her pity me.

“I know I can’t really win this argument, but can I at least suggest a different perspective?” She seems well-versed in talking people down.

“Shoot.”

“Investment. That’s what you are. Every productive and good thing you do, is return on that. Yes, she’s given a lot up for you, but it’s because she believes in what you can eventually accomplish and be.”

All of the rebuttals I had mentally prepared suddenly disappeared. She thought of things that had never crossed my mind. No one made me feel like she made me feel.

Soon after, we fell into trivial talk, but it felt so comfortable with her.

We continued facetiming once a week for a few months.

~~~~

Towards the end of a call one night, Phoebe was singing to me to try to make me sleepy. It was working.

She stopped suddenly.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“I want your voice to be the last thing I hear tonight.” She gave me a gentle smile.

“What do you want me to say?” I asked quietly, “Sweet dreams? Sleep tight?”

“Perfect.” She gave her smile that I love so much, “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. I love you.” I mumbled absentmindedly and hung up.

I freeze. Did I just…? Shit.

I stared at the ceiling until my phone buzzed. I dreaded checking, but I closed my eyes and brought my phone in front of my face.

I slowly opened my eyes to see the text from Phoebe.

love you too <3