Igneous Rock

I met Claire when we were seniors in high school. I played football, but I wasn’t very good at it. If I’m being honest- something I’m working on- I started playing to try to be more popular at parties and stuff. The crazy thing is that it actually worked. I spent the majority of my season on the bench at games and making out with hot women after. Bench, booze, boobs, repeat. No one seemed to mind that I wasn’t actually playing football. Or that I was getting seriously drunk most nights. One time Katie O'Connell said I could do somersaults down the field and still go home with someone attractive afterward. Something to do with me being a tall, privileged white guy, she said, rolling her eyes. I didn’t like thinking of myself this way, but I knew it was true. I didn’t like thinking lots of things about myself that I knew to be true. Though I pretended to be oblivious, I knew about the sort of effect that I had on the other students. It’s not like people worshiped me, but they definitely knew I was there and changed their behavior because of it. Like laughing at my jokes that weren’t funny or moving their bags to make room for me at crowded lunch tables. That sort of thing. 

Claire, completely unlike me, was an incredible athlete. Throughout the swim season, it was a normal occurrence for the morning announcements to list off her accomplishments from the previous night’s competitions. Claire King brought home three more golds for the Sanderway Swim and Dive last night, leading the team to an impressive victory over Malton! Our homeroom would fill with sarcastic oohs and ahhs, and Trey Thomas would dramatically pat her on the back. Claire would make a silly little curtsy motion with the sleeves of her oversized sweatshirt, and her mouth would slip into an effortlessly gorgeous grin. Everyone always liked Claire a lot. Even in high school, she had the confidence of someone who was liked by almost everyone but would be perfectly fine if she wasn’t. Rachel Bryers once asked Claire if she thought anyone would ask her to homecoming, and Claire responded with a little nonchalant shrug and said that it was possible, but she wasn’t even sure if she wanted to go. Three different guys ended up asking her. I don’t remember which guy she chose, but her dress was emerald green. Her dark hair was pulled back so that the whole world could see her face. She had this little smile tugging at the corner of her mouth like she knew a secret we didn’t, but not in a malevolent way. It was a smile that alluded that she was very present in the moment. She was taking in how she slid through the room like oil through water. My homecoming date was Jayna Allen, and she complained the whole night that I wasn’t paying her enough attention. This could have been true, considering I don’t remember what color dress she was wearing. 

After the dance, Jayna and I went to an afterparty at Trey’s house. Jayna, already a little tipsy, held her heels in one hand and used her other fist to knock on the door. The door was opened quickly by a short guy with a thick neck who was yelling mean things at someone in another room. Jayna and I entered the house and were engulfed in a bubble of blasting music and colorful lights. Immediately after stepping foot inside, a group of three cheerleaders exclaimed in delight over the sound of the music at the sight of seeing Jayna and excitedly dragged her to the other room. I went to find a drink or someone to hook up with or both. The kitchen was a disaster. I stepped over what was definitely someone’s vomit to have a look at the liquor options strewn messily across the counter. 

What are you drinking? 

I looked up from the drink I was pouring to see Claire staring at me with a curious and playful expression. 

Oh, this is just a gin and tonic.

Can I have one?

Sure, I said, trying to think of other things to talk about so that she would stay for a while.

Did you have fun at the dance, Claire asked, and leaned against the fridge door.

Yeah, it was fun, I guess. How about you?

It was alright. She shrugged and tilted her chin towards the ceiling. I don’t think my date likes me very much. 

Why do you say that?

Well, he’s in the other room with his tongue down Layla Robin’s throat, she laughed lightly. 

Oh. Well, that’s not great.

No.

But that doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t like you. It just means that he also likes Layla. I’ve taken girls to dances before and then hooked up with- 

I stopped myself when I saw Claire’s amused expression.

Or, er I mean, I stammered.

Go on, Claire said, her amused smirk breaking into a gorgeous Claire grin. I’m on the edge of my seat.

Well, I was just going to say that sometimes guys can be interested in someone and still hook up with someone else. Sometimes you don’t have to read so much into it.

Is that so? Claire raised an eyebrow. I couldn’t figure out the extent to which she was mocking me.

Yeah. Sometimes men are the worst and do whatever they want, and then later find out that wasn’t even what they wanted.

Sometimes men are the worst? 

I laughed and handed Claire her drink. Okay, always, I suppose, but some are worse than others.

Like the type that takes their date to a dance and then kisses someone else, she said as more of a statement than a question and took a sip of her drink. 

Yes, that’s not the best type. I shifted my weight a little more to my right leg and tried to forget my previous intention of the night to go home with someone besides Jayna. I looked at Claire. She held my gaze in silence with no apparent discomfort. I took the undisguised attention with a grain of salt, knowing how alcohol lowers inhibitions and social rules. 

Want to get some air? I asked.

Claire looked like she was thinking about her answer to my question and everything it might entail. After a pause, she said, sure, let me refill my drink first.

We sat on the curb of the street, drinking from red solo cups. Before the afterparty, Claire had changed into ripped jeans and a white sweater. 

I liked what you were wearing earlier tonight, I said. My gin and tonics were catching up to me. 

What, you don’t like my outfit now? She laughed a little and stretched her arms.

I didn’t say that.

Claire turned her head to look at me. 

I just really liked your dress from earlier. The green was nice. It looked nice with- I don’t know, you just looked nice. 

Thank you, Claire said, and let her face form a little smile with no attempt to hide that she was pleased by what I had said. The faint blare of music from the house was the only sound outside.

After taking another gulp of her drink, she asked me, who did you go to the dance with?

I thought about Jayna back inside the house. We had been seeing each other, sort of, for a few months. Claire’s skin looked nice.

No one. I came by myself. 

Claire made no expression to convey whether or not she knew if I was telling the truth. 

Are you seeing anyone, I asked.

No, she laughed a little. My date was purely for the sake of having one.

I thought that was a strange remark because I knew two other guys had asked her, but also, that wasn’t really the point to take away from her response. 

Would you like to go hang out at my house? No one’s home.

What, like now?

Yeah. I mean, if you want to. We can walk from here.

It was very hard to read Claire’s expression. Somehow, she seemed equally eager and reluctant. 

After a pause, she said, Okay, I’ll get my bag.

On the way out of the house, we passed Jayna, who watched us leave together but said nothing. 

My bedroom was dark, and I switched on a lamp that gave the room an orangey glow. Claire was sitting up very straight on the edge of my bed. I sat down next to her and left a little bit too much space between us. It would have been weird to reposition closer, I remember thinking. I sat there quietly, annoyed with myself. 

Claire’s eyes glinted in a way that seemed like she just recognized someone or remembered something. High school is so interesting, she said. She shifted back a little further onto the bed and gathered her legs into a hug against her chest, placing her chin on top of her knees. Her socks were light pink and clean looking. It’s like a big social experiment on what is going to work. Like you, for example, you’re a popular, attractive guy. For you, anything would work. You can be anything you want, say anything you want, have anyone you want, and change your mind whenever you want. You can live life morally unchecked to an extent. That’s not everyone’s high school experience. 

I scratched my head and tried to shift my focus from the part where Claire called me attractive. 

I think that’s kind of a shame though as well, Claire said, bringing me back to the conversation. When you can get away with whatever you want, you can go through life without knowing how to have real relationships. I sensed the atmosphere between us had changed in some way, but I didn’t know how. We were both moderately intoxicated at this point, and I couldn’t tell if she wasn’t making sense or if I just wasn’t understanding what she was saying. 

Are you still speaking in hypotheticals?

Claire released her legs from her chest. I know that you took Jayna to homecoming, she said very evenly.

Oh. Are you mad at me?

No. 

Claire looked at me like she was trying to understand something. 

Is that all you have to say?

I mean, I’m not mad because I don’t even know you, and it’s not like you’ve been dating Jayna. You’re not right? She looked at me for confirmation.

I don’t really know. We’re sort of seeing each other, I guess. I’m not sure what she thinks, I said.

Jayna definitely thought we were dating.

Okay. That’s fine, I think. I couldn’t tell if she actually thought it was fine.

Have you ever cheated on anyone? 

I decided to answer honestly in case Claire actually already knew the answer to this question as well. 

Yes. 

Do you think you’ll ever cheat on someone again?

I hope not, I said. But I also never thought I would cheat in the first place. 

Why did you?

I don’t really know. I wasn’t as happy in the relationship anymore and didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Which is funny because her feelings were inevitably hurt much more when she found out I was fucking someone else. 

Do you feel guilty about it?

Yeah. But like even more than that. It’s physical. I feel heavy. That’s a good way to describe it. To be honest, I haven’t really liked myself since. Which kind of has shown me why people keep cheating or drinking or whatever they are trying to quit. Why stop when there’s nothing to salvage?

Because you’re hurting other people, said Claire.

I nodded. After I cheated on someone for the first time, I felt horrible. But in a way, I also felt relieved. Like, in a way, I always knew I was going to, and like I had beaten someone else to the punch of proving that I’m an asshole. No one can prove you’re a bad person more than you can yourself. I felt in control. But I also felt heavier. And over time, I’ve realized that feeling doesn’t go away. I can be good to the people I’m dating, be honest with everyone, and I still feel the same.  No matter how I act, I feel what I’ve done, and I feel heavy. 

Claire looked me in the eyes. I didn’t see any signs of judgment on her face. She seemed to be listening intently. 

Maybe one day, you will carry the weight in a different way. Like- she paused as if she was thinking. You could carry the weight like an igneous rock. 

I told her that I wasn’t a geologist.

Claire rolled her eyes and said, igneous rocks are rocks that are formed by hardened lava. They serve as a reminder of the fire that came before, but they won’t burn you to touch. Rocks are always heavy to carry, but they are also used to create. Claire paused and then said, maybe one day you will build something. She smiled like she was proud of her metaphor but also sincere. I remember knowing at that moment how beautiful she was. 

Four and a half years later, I ran into Claire on a July afternoon at the supermarket.

Woah, hi, Claire.

She was holding at least six jars of peanut butter.

Oh my gosh, hi! I’m buying peanut butter, she laughed

Yes, I see that, yeah. What for? 

There are a ton of puppies at my parents' house right now. Like a ton. It’s a long story. 

I tried to smile in a way that showed that I had time to hear her long story and any other story she had after and that it wasn’t crucial for me to be at the supermarket, and that I could actually just leave with her and her six plus jars of peanut butter and listen to anything she wanted to say forever. Which is a lot to fit into one smile. I must not have executed because Claire said, I’ll leave you to your shopping, but it was so nice to see you. 

I watched Claire purchase the peanut butter in the least creepy way I deemed possible. Her reflection at the cash register was visible against a freezer door, somewhat near the exit. I hoped to pass as a customer deep in thought about what pizza to get. I counted eight jars of peanut butter. I laughed to myself and then felt a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around. It was Jayna. What the hell was happening in this supermarket?

Hey stranger, Jayna said. 

Woah, hi Jayna, I said. This is crazy, I actually just saw Claire King as well. I glanced at the cash register and saw that she was gone.

No way! Bummer, I must have just missed her. 

How are you? You just graduated, too, right? 

Yeah, I’m moving to Boulder in a few weeks to get some more shadowing hours at this really cool hospital. 

That’s awesome, I said, and I really meant it. Jayna had always wanted to be a surgeon. 

And how are you doing? She looked at me as if deciding whether or not to ask her next question.

Are you still sober? she asked.

I am, yeah. I smiled awkwardly.  Almost four and a half years, exactly. 

That’s great. I’m really proud of you.

Thanks, I said and tugged at the collar of my shirt. And I’m sorry for being such an awful boyfriend. I’m not like that anymore. I’m a decent person now. At least, I think I am. Sorry, this sounds so narcissistic, oh my god. 

I know you’re sorry, Jayna laughed good-heartedly, and I felt a surge of gratitude towards her.

I forgave you a long time ago, she said. And you’ve always been a good person. I’ve never thought for a second that you aren’t a good person. Sometimes good people do not-so-good things. She smiled genuinely and added, I’m glad that you seem to have changed your mind about yourself. 

I thanked her and made a joke about the number of weird conversations the frozen aisle of the supermarket had probably seen over the years. It wasn’t that funny, but Jayna laughed. 

I walked outside of the supermarket into the hot afternoon heat. The asphalt was steaming a little in some spots. I thought about how grateful I was that Jayna really seemed to have forgiven me. I knew it was unfair for me to ask her to take off some of the weight that I felt, the weight that I always carried. But I was grateful that she did so, so gracefully. I thought about what would have happened if the encounter had gone differently, and I realized that I would still be walking out of the supermarket onto the hot asphalt. I would still unlock my car and drive back to my apartment. I would feel less heavy than the day before because it really did get better over time. And on the days when the weight was the same, at least I knew I could carry it. Maybe I would even build something.