One day at a time

December 7th, 2011 

I haven’t seen him in 5 months now. I miss him. Mommy won’t tell me where he went, and Jason won’t either. My stepsisters and stepbrother said something about him last night, but mommy told them to shhh and they did. My brothers been quiet lately too. I miss my big brother. He isn't the same without daddy. It’s too bad mommy won’t tell us where he is because Phoenix's birthday is soon, and I know he misses him too. I wish he would come home. I don’t know why he really left. Was it me? He was never really nice to me or phoenix and I know when mommy and him were together he wasn’t nice to her either, but I miss him. Where did he go? He wasn’t all bad he was a good dad sometimes. I wish it was all the time. His good attitude never lasted all the time. I liked it better when he was nice than when he was yelling but he was always yelling. I still miss him though. Why won’t he come back? I just want my daddy back. 

March 16th, 2015 

Happy 10th birthday to me. Double digits. A milestone. One my whole family should be with me for, except they aren’t, not everyone. I could cry but what would be the point. I’ve cried the last 3 birthdays he missed. Why ruin another one with this pity party I throw every year. The irony of it all is the fact that his mother and father could at least send a card and call me on each of those birthdays, but my own dad couldn’t be bothered with sending his only daughter so much as a text on any of them. Not a card. No call. Not even a message on Facebook that would’ve told me he at least remembered who I am. He probably doesn’t, the alcohol probably killed every braincell that held a memory of me. I mean all he would be remembering was hitting my brother and me and my mom, but he would be remembering me and that matters more then why he would. I just want my dad, or to at least know why he disappeared right after my 6th birthday and why I never saw him again after he left that birthday party. Or heard from him at all. Maybe one day I will. I doubt it but I have every right to miss my dad. Even if he was a piece of shit when he was around.  

June 20th, 2017 

 6th grade graduation. A day to remember, especially after my “best friend” ruined my dress. That was a highlight of the day. But it can’t top my mom not seeing me get my award. That takes the case. As if one absent parent wasn’t enough now, I get two of them who miss out on important days in my life. She showed up at the end and didn’t see me get my “diploma”. It was just a bullshit elementary school graduation, but it mattered to me. Obviously not to my mom but to her one biological daughter it meant something. She was too busy driving my stepsister to basketball camp, because apparently her dad couldn’t do it alone. I remember her being so proud of Morgan and Madison at their 6th grade graduations, but she couldn’t show up to mine because seeing Madi off to the same camp she’s been attending for the last few years was just too important to miss. I get it I'm the youngest and not a priority to her, I understand that but I truly thought she would’ve at least been here for me this once. Everything that’s important to me, she misses. She doesn’t care about what’s important to me because it isn't basketball, volleyball, softball or any other sport she played. They play all 3. I think she likes them more then she likes me. More than she’s ever liked me. If she had to pick whether they lived or I did, she would pick them. Without any hesitation. My dad would pick me. Actually, probably not, he did pick drugs over me before, he would probably pick another person over me too. But maybe if I believe hard enough, and become completely delusional, I can convince the little kid that’s left in me, the part that wants so badly for her dad to be a good person even though she knows he’s an ass, that maybe he still wants me. he made it clear he didn’t want me before, but I’m older now, I’m different. I might finally be good enough for him to want me and maybe stick around this time. Likely won’t happen but a girl can dream or go insane but what’s the difference really.  

May 15th, 2019 

Hair. Done. Makeup. Done. Dress. Too short. I look like a slut. I’m pretty sure boys at school dances don’t give a damn about that. I went to the dance absolutely trashed after my mom left me home alone with my older sister and made her take the pictures and do everything. Ok mom. Miss another moment. It's fine. I decided to sneak downstairs after she left well my sister was cleaning up and put the bottle in my purse. Vodka and the 8th grade dance. Those two totally mix right? Yeah, I think I’m right. Jesus I might still be a little trashed. Not a bad thing. I like being hammered. It makes me feel brave. That dance proves that considering I went up to my old crush and told him off for making me a bet. Yeah being a bet was cool. I was both a bet and a dare at the same time all thanks to Mr. Stephens. It's too bad he sent me his actual nudes when he was trying to get mine instead of fake ones because I saved those and apparently well I was sloshed at the dance I was showing them to girls and his baby carrot cock won’t get him any girls anytime soon. Me and my early alcohol problem made sure of that one. Do I feel bad? No because he made me into a joke. I don’t feel bad. Him and his little buddy, emphasis on the word little, won’t get him anywhere. He's compensating with his shitty personality and we all know it now thanks to me and my superior secretive dick pic screen shotting abilities. I hope him and the glorified vagina in his boxers have a good time with the ladies. Asshole. As if me showing off a little boys nudes wasn’t good enough drunk fun for me, I also apparently hugged random people I didn’t know, and hadn’t spoken to in both years of middle school. We went back to my friend's house after the dance and spent the night there. We played some truth or dare, and it ended with me skinny dipping in a freezing cold lake at 2 am. And to my luck my friends neighbor and his friends saw me diving naked into the water from the dock 20 feet away from us. I was off my vodka induced buzz by then and knew they were there. I simply didn’t give a fuck about it. I like being trashed. It makes me feel brave. I think I wanna do it more often. Possibly all the time. Some of my friends do. Why not me? I mean every kid drinks and smokes weed and vapes right? I do and maybe that just makes me normal. Or at least fun. More fun then I used to be. I like having fun. Even if I have to be drunk off my ass to do it. I probably won’t but it’s a fun thought. Considering the epic hangover, I have right now well I'm writing this I'm considering only drinking water for the rest of my life.  

October 9th, 2019 

Freshman homecoming was not what I dreamed it would be. My dates were my cousin and my gay best friend. I wish I had just asked him. I wimped out at the last minute. I had the whole plan. I just didn’t it. That made the dance pretty shit. My friends were great to around though. We were all each other's dates. A boy came up to me and asked me who my date was, and I smiled and said, “Oh I came with my hoes, so I have alternates for dates. Why settle for one when you can have a dozen.” The boy who asked me this happened to be the one i was planning on asking to the dance, his date then showed up behind him and smiled at me before kissing him right in front of me. I found out later in the night from his friends that he liked me, and this girl didn’t like that I guess. But at the time all I could think was a boy I had liked, and who had shown similar feelings to me, was kissing another girl right in front of me. I cried in the bathroom. And then I realized that this was my first heart break. I felt completely and totally destroyed inside. My first heart break, and the one person I wanted to be there for me wasn’t there. Isn't here. Isn’t a dad supposed to be there for his daughter when she gets her heart broken for the first time. wanted to be there for me wasn’t there. I wanted him to be there. but he wasn’t. he Isn’t and probably never will be. I stayed in there crying, and texting about 20 of the random boys on snapchat I have stockpiled, for a good 10 minutes before going back out to the dance and acting like a hoe. Dancing like a total skank well he watched. I didn’t care. A random dude groped me, and I couldn’t have cared less. I was falling apart on the dance floor. And I didn’t give a fuck.  

March 17th, 2020 

I lost it. My virginity I mean not my mind. Well maybe I've lost both but whatever. And in the typical freshman fashion I lost it to a senior on my 15th birthday. Yeah, I know I’m smart. I make great decisions. My mom found out and she has some crazy idea that I only did it to get back at my dad. But why would I have sex with an 18-year-old just to get back at my dad who left 9 years ago? Actually, when I say it out loud it makes sense. But I didn’t. I had sex to have sex. It was bad and in the backseat of a tiny car, but it was still sex. Uncomfortable sex. But sex. And it drove me to come out to my mom and tell her I’m bi. After she finished calling me a whore, I told her. She then moved on to calling me a... well I think that can be figured out pretty easily. She probably won’t talk to me again. My mother is nothing if not homophobic and Christian. I just hope our relationship can move past this. I miss my dad. I just want him to come home. I know what he was doing to me now. I won’t go into detail. And even though he did that to me I miss him. I want him to come home. He should be here. With me.  

June 12th, 2023 

Graduation was awesome. I walked. For the last 4 years I was terrified I wouldn’t. I was scared my future wouldn't happen. I was a whore and a party girl, I did dumb shit, but I made it. Without him. He wasn’t there to watch me walk. To hear them announce that I would be attending NYU. That I’m studying to be a lawyer. He wasn’t there for to watch me throw my hat up or take pictures outside after graduation. And I find myself happy he wasn’t. I found his number and called to invite him. Nearly 13 years after he left, and he couldn’t be bothered to call me back. He missed most of my life. Every big moment. Every important part of my life. Every heart break and night I sat up crying. Every happy family memory. The one’s he wasn’t a part of. Every birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, fuck even Easter. All the pictures on the walls that he isn’t in. After everything he’s missed, by choice, him missing this doesn’t hurt me at all. It’s basically like every other event he hasn’t showed up to. I reached out and he didn’t reach back. I'm not even sad about it. Just disappointed that I let myself believe that he could’ve maybe changed. Maybe have come to my graduation. Maybe have made room in his life for his daughter. The little girl still waiting at her bedroom window watching and waiting for her dads red truck to pull down the driveway and make her feel loved again. Make her feel whole. But that little girl needs to give up. I have now. He didn’t show. And I am not mad. Just sad. Graduation was fun and I didn't even notice he wasn’t there. I didn’t really care. There was a party after graduation that my entire graduating class attended. It was all night long. It was fun. I got hypnotized and kissed my freshman English teacher at around 2 am. I leave for college September 7th and I fully intend on spending the last summer before college with my best friends, having the most fun possible. We have a road trip planned across the country to see all our colleges and spend time together. The last summer. ending a chapter in our lives and beginning a new one. I'm staring a whole new fucking book in mine. And I'm so ready to burn the old one. Light that shit up and move on with my life. I’m ready, starting now old me is gone and new me is ready to thrive.