The Search

I thought that I was really going to stick with my New Year's resolution this year, but yet again, not even a month into the new year, I gave up on myself once again. It was hard to keep your word; make a promise to yourself; and then let yourself down by not following through with it. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. Folks on television and online made it look so easy, but why wasn't it the same for me? Am I just not good enough for this? I often asked myself this question countlessly.

So, I guess origami just wasn't my thing, but that was alright... wasn't it? I wasn't quite sure myself, but I knew that there must be something out there for me. Something beyond the walls of my home and the fence of my yard. But the question was, what?

I had tried and put my hand towards many things. Playing an instrument? I got bored of it eventually. Woodcarving? My hands deserved better when considering all the splinters that I unintentionally gave them. Singing? I've got some serious stage-fright. And that was only the beginning.

The daunting problem that overtook me seemed to be that I couldn't stick with any particular hobby long enough to become good at it, and it was incredibly frustrating, so to speak. I like to draw, but I don't have the discipline nor the patience to practice it consistently enough to get much better at it. I'm only "okay" at it because I'm better than someone who has never put crayon, marker, or pencil to paper before, but I'm far worse compared to true artists.

It's a problem that's certainly disheartening to one's soul. I look at myself in comparison to other people I know. They seem to be able to stick with something and continue to improve and grow from the hobby of their liking, just as a cherry blossom continues to bloom and unfold from its budding stage. They are able to take their talent and make it unfold into something notable; something eye-catching; something that captivates the mind, tickles the senses, tugs at the heartstrings, and captures the imagination.

Meanwhile, I dabble in things that I can never seem to forge upon. Like a honeybee buzzing around from flower to flower, only to find that the pollen inside has already been taken. Or like a hummingbird, flitting through the air in fast-forward, in an endless search trying to find that "thing".

Some may say that it's good to be a jack of all trades, but I think that I'd much rather be exceptionally good at just one or two things, whatever that may be. Thus far, it's been unachievable for me, and thus, am forced to resign myself to unfocused mediocrity.

To toggle between a few hobbies is one thing, but more than I can count is a whole other story, one for another time, in another place.

But as I continue to beat myself down about this, there might just be a faint, petite ray of light at the end of this shadowing precarious tunnel that has gotten the best of me; that has swallowed me whole. That "thing" that I continue to look for, has yet to appear, but I will persevere, even if it takes me to my deathbed, I will continue to search for that "thing" that I have my sights set on. 

The world is full of opportunities, one just needs to know where to look. I will pledge to myself that I will push through and end this hide-and-seek game once and for all, no matter how long it takes. While that may be a big promise, it's one that I know, from the bottom of my heart, that I will be able to commit to. The way I see it, I'd rather go through life trying to find the treasure I seek, than not find it all. There's no map to guide me on my perilous journey through the jungle of opportunity, it's all me. I must trust myself and follow my heart. I'll have to listen to my heart, and trust what it says, a secret language we both speak.

I must swim against the tide, and wade on the seas of chance, as I wait patiently for them to drift me to the shores where my talent may lie. There I am, lying on the grainy sand of the island, I wonder to myself, "Could this be it? Will my journey end here, somewhere on this island of fate?" There was only one way to find out.

I begin to trek the dense forests, in search of my tribe. My tribe of people whom I belong with, ones who share a similar interest; a talent; a gift. One's who can teach me something new, a certain something that will be the missing piece to oneself; a jigsaw puzzle, if you will.

A hobby, the treasure my hungry soul is after, must be around here somewhere. But I continued to listen to my heart, for I knew that I could trust it. I was hoping that my heart was after the same thing I was after, and that maybe it would lead me to something that'd I'd be happy pursuing on my own, or perhaps with someone else. It was no joy ride, that's for sure, but I felt that my heart would take me to a hobby that will make me feel good, and make me feel worthy and of value to a community of other trendsetters. The key to success.

And even if I don't succeed, I will try and try again. While I may be unable to, should my journey end in my grave, I shall still feel a true sense of success and accomplishment, for I'd rather live my life in search of something, and going on the exploration of a lifetime, than wither away only to bring myself down when there are so many ways; so many hearts; that can lift oneself up.

I know that life isn’t easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

Find your niche and make yourself feel special! God bless your soul.