Never Feel like I Belong

I never felt like I belonged to any specific group of people or in any specific place. This stems from my childhood and has carried over into my adulthood. I was always a loner, and I really longed to belong, even if I was the one who started the No Outsiders Club.

I was ready to make the changes to my own life, yet before all the time, the many times, I had tried were for nothing. I knew that I could fit in, so I adjusted to the styles of clothing and did anything to find a way to be added. Still, this was never enough, and it made me more depressed.

I would even do things to draw attention to myself, lots of dangerous things, The scars I have, whether in plain sight, or hidden, both scars are reminders of those years I thought I had to belong.

As I finally became an adult, I was not as easily manipulated. I began to find my way in life, found a wonderful job that I considered as a career, and yes even found a girlfriend. I was starting to belong or feel like I belonged. Of course, the past was still there, in different forms and through different people.

First it was the neighbors, who were too nosey or their own good. They poked and looked for anything to make my life miserable. It was because I was dating a black girl as I am white. As if this was not enough hardship, then my coworkers chimed in with their secrets and whispers. Then the boss was talking about me behind my back. Then the accusations and paranoia set in, deep inside my brain where I was sensing a feeling of betrayal.

I began seeing a therapist, to talk about my problems, no matter how they were no longer in my control, to me they seemed very real, if only to me. It was never clear how I could think this or be suspicious about this. This was only the beginning, it would become very unbearable to a point, I would have headaches and body aches, and no pain pills could remedy this.

I was never happy with this therapist because they repeated themselves so often, it was like a broken record, playing the same song. It was while we met that my senses were dull and like I was under their control all the time, until the clock chimed at the top of the hour. Even today this was very annoying and controlling.

Later that evening, I was sitting at home eating dinner that my girlfriend cooked. I was fine until she mentioned something about her not feeling like she didn't belong here where we lived. It was like a red flag had started flying, blowing in the breeze. I jumped up, turned to her saying, "Why does it even matter whether we belong or not?" She saw my reaction, became scared, and ran out of the room.

"I had never yelled at her before, why was I doing this now?" My own insecurities were not well handled and never would be. no matter how well I wanted to believe they were. It was my therapist's fault for giving me a sense of false hope. "Damn", I yelled. I would have to chat with him more at our next appointment. Until then, I would have to make things right between us.

I was feeling low and out of sorts. I did not know how I was going to make it alone, by myself.

I went into the apartment, heading to the bedroom, slowly and calmly approached my girlfriend, who was laying on the bed crying. I reached out to ask her to forgive me and let her know it was not her fault for the way I had acted earlier. I turned to the nightstand noticing the half empty bottle of pills opened.

Then I realized I had not checked to see if she had taken the pills nor felt for a pulse. There was hope for me yet. Even if i had not seen it before, I was beginning to see it, after the clouds stopped blocking my view.

I then realized, she was also self-conscious about not belonging, and at dinner had been willing to share some things that concerned with her. My actions had caused her to take drastic measures and in turn, had ended her life.

I began to figure out ways to handle this and other matters in ways i had never done before, at least not in all my years of childhood and adulthood. It was shaking with fear and nervous anticipation about all the things I would have to do what I had to do. I shook my head, realizing I was not thinking clear presently.

I was once more alone and without any reason I rose from the bed, making my way back to our now cold dinner. I was at a loss for thoughts or words. I looked at the meal, halfheartedly eating then pushing the plate away, I started to cry.

Then a soft voice spoke, "I am sorry, I upset you". I rose from the table, reached out to hug her, which was welcomed with a smile and a long embrace. It was then that I knew I had my own belonging, with a woman who loved me, a job I enjoyed going to, and a place that I could make my own for us both.

I happily looked at her, kissing her on the lips, then saying, "So let us start our own belonging club. Two members only". She smiled more at the idea and then announced to me, she was 3 weeks pregnant, so I gently held her close. "I was finally able to face the world and knew exactly where I belonged. Right here and right now, with one person, soon to be two other people who loved me".

The time had come at a time I was feeling alone and scared, and the answers had been there, right before my very eyes.