2024: The Year of Resolution

TW: This story includes descriptions of mental health, substance abuse, suicide, and physical violence.

December 29th, 2023

I told my therapist I’ve never done New Year's resolutions before. She insisted that this year I try. When I asked why, she said, “Why not?” Supposedly, if you write your goals down, you’re 42% more likely to achieve them. When I asked her what kind of goals I should be focusing on, she said to write whatever comes to mind, anything I want to accomplish from today to the end of the year. So here I am.

Goals for 2024:

• Keep your room clean.

Seriously, it shouldn’t be that hard. You should be able to be a real grown-up by now.

• Don’t lay in bed so often.
• Wash your face more often.
• Pull back the curtains every once in a while.

You always keep your apartment so dark and it drove momma crazy.

• Spend less time scrolling on Facebook.
• Drink less. A lot less.
• But drink more water.

Addiction is hereditary, you know? At least, that’s what I’ve been told.

• Try to eat at least twice a day. Eventually, shoot for three.
• Eat at home more often. Learn how to cook more than just ramen, spaghetti, and grilled cheese.
• Figure out how momma made that one chicken recipe. The one with zucchini and squash.
• Clean out all the take-out boxes from the fridge.
• Cut your hair. Maybe I should dye it. 

What about a fun color like you’ve always wanted? 

• Try to keep a gratitude journal like your therapist suggested.
• Call to schedule with Dr. Miller again. Call your grandma to apologize for getting too drunk at Christmas.

I should probably call her more often. 

• Call your grandma every week.

I might have lost a mom, but she lost a daughter.

• Be better about doing the laundry. 

Especially be better about hanging stuff up. No one likes wrinkled clothes.

• Get your nose pierced.
• Be better about taking your meds. Do research about natural sleep aids.
• Go outside more.
• Maybe start going for walks once the weather is nice.

Should I start working out?

• Try yoga. Sign up for a kickboxing or a self-defense class.
• I’d like to read more.
• Read a book about mourning. Preferably one that’s not too cheesy.

Is what I’m feeling normal? Nothing feels normal anymore. 

• Thank your manager for all the support she has given you these past couple of months.
• Then quit your job.

Sorry, Nina. I was never that great of a bartender anyway.

• Find a new job somewhere else. Some place far away and not at a bar. 
• Look into AA. Find a new apartment.
• Start packing. It shouldn’t take long.
• Donate all the stuff you don’t need anymore.

It’s just been sitting there in boxes and you said you would get to it after you moved in here…

• Fix the hole you punched in the drywall last week.

Hopefully, the landlord won't notice… Do I need a professional? Surely I can do that well enough.

• Find a hobby.

Something all-consuming and distracting. What about painting? Art therapy is a thing, right? I’ve always wanted to learn how to paint landscapes.

• Every day, be thankful that the girl at the bar didn’t press charges against you.

What kind of a person gets in a fight for “cutting” in line…

• Call Austin and apologize for ghosting him.  Don’t ghost anyone this year. 
• Better yet, don’t hook up with anyone at all. 2024 is going to be a guy-free year.
• Volunteer at the battered women’s shelter. 

Do you think you could manage that? No… something else maybe.

• Volunteer at an animal shelter.

Should I get a dog? Maybe a cat would be better. 

• Adopt a cat. 

A big fluffy one, or a cat with only one eye or three legs. I’ll name it Ollie.

• Take yourself more seriously.

Or maybe don't. Is that part of my problem?

• And try not to kill yourself.

Two suicides in two years is too much.

• Pretend to be whole until it’s not so hard.
• And when you’re ready, spread momma’s ashes.
• Find the perfect beach to do it at. A place that is quiet with no litter and no people.

Does such a place exist? I doubt there is a worthy place on earth to spend eternity.

• Maybe stay a couple of days. Visit an art museum or something.
• And when you get back home, go to y’all’s favorite walking trail. The one with all the magnolia trees.

She would like that. I wonder if they are in bloom?

• Find a way to forgive her for leaving you.

You would have done the same. You nearly did when you were fifteen, but she was there for you.

• Start your arm sleeve now that your mom isn’t around to tell you how stupid tattoos are.
• Try not to be so angry all the time.
• Stop speeding.
• Try to remember if I'm supposed to do Defensive Driving. Again.
• Find out who keyed your freaking car and key theirs.
• Should I read the Bible?

Is suicide always a sin? Is there such a thing as justifiable murder? Isn’t an “eye for an eye” in the Bible? An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind… All the better.

• Figure out how to feel better.
• Take a deep breath.
• And then kill your dad.
• Leave him to rot in that stupid recliner next to his favorite handle of bourbon.
• Make sure to leave a half-empty bottle of his medication there too.
• Light one of those disgusting cigarettes and place it burning on the side table. 
• Move the curtain closer.
• Then move away.
• Let go.
• Start over.
• Repent until the day you die. Or don’t.
• Be free.
• Live each day fully and without burden.
• Leave everything in 2023.

This year will be different.

This will be the year of change, of resolution, of lex talionis. 

This will be a year without fear, without pain.

I guess, here’s to that 42%, Dr. Miller.

Oh, and on that note, there is one last thing:

• Find a new therapist. One that doesn’t believe in New Year’s resolutions.