Still feeling the cruel vagueness Amanda felt from the recent heart-stabbing moments in her life, she washed her face with ice-cold water to maybe experience some sort of numbness from the frostbite this water could cause her. It was just eight in the evening, but her life has been horribly uneventful the past few weeks. Though what else could she do that would try and alleviate her humor and carve even just the tiniest smile on her blue face? What’s the purpose of doing the bare minimum at this point when for the whole entirety of her life, she offered everything she could to a person who did nothing but the bare minimum?
Amanda sighed, grabbing the beaten-up white towel beside her foggy mirror and patted it on her face to dry it off. Thoughts raced through her head, the bitter and illicit lines that dropped from her lips and his lips kept replaying in spatial audio through her ears. It was mentally horrifying.
She eventually wiped her mirror from the fog just to see her face’s reflection with tears running down on her cheeks and feeling existentially nothing at the same time. Finally, she left her small bathroom filled with malicious memories. Amanda flinched at the painful recap of one of the most blissful, beautiful tragedies in her life.
Amanda ran her fingers through her thick brown hair and tried not to be reminded of the feeling of his hands through her hair. Still, it’s ridiculously and wickedly difficult to forget about such things you shared with a person you were once so sure of. She rolled her eyes and immediately brushed the cloud of thoughts floating around her head, trying to forget this feeling and maybe start thinking of ways to numb her sense of emotions.
Amanda started rummaging through her messy drawers to replace her tear-stained clothes, but out of the blue, the course of her life took another dark turn.
Crash
The sound of her window breaking made Amanda quickly sit down, tucking her head below the mattress. Inevitably, she started thinking that this is the start of her own death, but her eyes found a darkened rock due to the heavy rain outside as she stood up.
“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me!” Amanda grits her teeth, realizing that a rock has been thrown to her window, adding to the considerable damage it already had.
Anger filled her system, along with all the nauseating feelings she has been corrupted with since a few days ago.
“Alright, who the fuck threw this rock on my window?!” She fumed, trying to find possible suspects through her eyesight with the rock still on her hand, feeling it crush her bones due to how hard she held it in between.
But as Amanda kept looking, she saw something, no, someone else.
The rock she held fell flat on the wooden floor, making this rattling sound as her eyes widened. Amanda quickly felt the hot tears inevitably coming back in the brim of her eyes. The heart she owned that was already tired of beating, pounded vastly against her chest as she felt her face burning.
“It can’t be.” Amanda says with her voice being the weakest it has ever been. It was too painful to say.
“He’s back with her?” Her voice cracked as she felt her chest and throat tighten up.
The weather was horrendous. The clouds evaded the burning sun as it dropped its own casket of tears on the world heavily, as though they were hurt as much as Amanda was hurt.
Amanda found herself walking out of her apartment, feeling all sorts of emotions pouring out of her heart, which is responsible for making her do such frivolous things, but who can blame her for what she saw?
As she saw them closer in her sight, she felt her feelings intensify; even the raindrops falling became more prominent and heavier, like how her tears were falling from her face.
Like lightning, Amanda forcefully grabbed the guy’s arm, making him turn towards her. As she saw his all too familiar face, she swiftly brought her hands towards him, hitting his face with all the hurt she felt and kept inside. All this time, Amanda kept blaming herself, thinking she was the one who’s at fault for their relationship to end. It turns out she was wrong.
“You fucking traitor!” She yelled, looking at him with utter betrayal in her blue eyes.
“Amanda, what the hell?!” William hissed, the pain from the forceful slap quickly growing throughout his face, making him visibly red even if the rain made him blurry.
“What?! Does it hurt William?? Does it??” Amanda asked him loudly, pushing him away with his chest.
“Well it shouldn’t! Because the pain you’ve caused me is extensively more damaging and more hurtful than the pain I have caused you!”
“We broke up, Amanda!” He defended.
“And you went back to the same person who broke your heart two fucking years ago!” She said, feeling her chest tighten as she pointed at Denise, William’s supposed past ‘lover.’
“Can you be anymore stupid, William?” Amanda said with disbelief.
“You can’t put that on me.” He scoffed, “Don’t blame me, Amanda.”
Amanda looked at him, analyzing his guilty brown eyes. “So what? You chose the same person who put you in your lowest state and chose to care less about the person who loved you more?” She asked him with great disbelief in her voice.
“You chose her over me?” Her voice cracked, hearing her own words made her choke on her tears.
The truth was wickedly unbearable.
William couldn’t think of any reasonable things to say, making Amanda’s heart chip even more.
“You couldn’t even wait.” She spoke again, “You wanted to be with her so badly.” Amanda laughed at the absurdity presented before her. It was unbelievable.
“I didn’t deserve you.” William said lowly. “You were everything I wanted to have and that scared me.” He says, breathing deeply.
“That’s it? That’s your reason?” Amanda crossed her arms, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Well maybe you didn’t love me as much as I loved you.” She says as tears run through her cheeks, but inevitably much slower than before.
“Because if you were true, you would do everything in your exhaustion to become the person that’s deserving of someone they love.” Amanda tells him, looking at him with such hurt painted on her face.
“But you got tired of trying to be that person. You became a coward.” She monotonously said, keeping a straight face and her tears from falling. “What a pity.”
“I’m sorry Amanda... Please forgive me.” William sighs and tries to hold her hand, but she immediately backed away.
“Forgive you?” Amanda laughed bitterly, “If you can’t put your pride down to keep what we had, why would I put my pride down just to forgive you so you could sleep peacefully at night?”
William sighed, knowing it was pointless to try
.
Minutes passed and Amanda broke the silence, “You can’t even beg for me.” She scoffed, feeling her eyes fill up with such sadness again.
“I wish you tried just a little harder.” She says, trying to stifle a cry. “But what can I do?” Amanda shrugs, a tear falling from her eye, “I can’t force you to be better for me because if you really love me, you would.”
Amanda felt heavyweights being lifted off her back as she wiped the tears from her face.
“I’m sorry you got tired and I’m sorry I was too good for you that it hurt your ego to be with someone like me.” She breathes heavily.
“Goodbye, William.”
Amanda turned away from them, closing her eyes and letting herself be free from all the pain she absorbed through her soul for someone who didn’t even try to try and be good for her. She walked back to her apartment and saw the same broken window she left.
“Well, we’ve got to get you fixed.” She said to the window, examining the broken glass and the sound of the glass shards against the heel of her boots.
“Now, where’s your suspect of crime, huh?” Amanda thinks to herself and starts to look for the rock that caused the damage to her window.
“There you are, you stupid rock.” She says in exasperation and grabs it from the wooden floor.
As Amanda was trying to sink everything in her system, there was this sudden urge to break the window in all its entirety. The damage the rock gave to it was only minimal compared to its other damages, that she only then realized was the result of her and William’s tragic moments filled with lust and pleasure after the pain they have caused each other.
She realized what they had was toxic, and maybe she was too infatuated to realize that. Getting this window fixed won’t do her any good; no, it won’t. She has to buy a new one instead of being constantly reminded of what they once had. Patching the window may be an option, but the different patches of glass attached to it just make it look more broken and damaged; fixed, yes, but not complete.
Without hesitation, Amanda grabbed a hammer from her toolbox and started to break her window, with the constant thought running around her head that once something is broken, finding something to fill that damage is not an option; it won’t fix anything. The broken pieces will just go larger until nothing is left, and one mustn’t let it go towards that endpoint.
Forgiveness and love are like a broken window. You can’t just patch its damages with rolls of tape; that’s only a temporary solution. If they broke you once, let them go because you can’t afford to buy a new you. You’re not a window that can be replaced with a new one once it’s broken. Don’t risk your sanity for a person who can’t even do the same thing for you.
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