Back To The Start

I never thought I’d be back here, in the same spot ten years after I left. But here I am, looking to see if things are still the same, while hoping that things had changed somehow.

Just like I did.

I’m almost afraid to knock on the door. I am not sure what kind of welcome I will receive. I left without saying goodbye. There were so many things going through my head at the time. Words were jumbled in my head. Ten years ago, all I wanted was to escape.

I felt trapped. I felt powerless. I felt like the pain would overpower me and make me do something I couldn’t take back.

I took a deep breath and counted to three. This is the place where I’m supposed to feel the safest. But there was fear in my heart that I would be asked to leave.

I gathered enough strength and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. I waited. There was no answer. I frowned. If I remember correctly, someone should be home. At least that’s what I remember. Who knows if that’s still true?

“Can I help you?” I heard a male voice ask.  “Oh, crap,” I thought. I’m very sure that this person will not be happy to see me. I turned around and braced myself for the verbal lashing that I am sure will follow.

“Alexis,” was all he said. He was looking at me like he wasn’t sure if I was real.

“Hi Andy” I said shyly. He looked older, more handsome. Time has been kind to my best friend. Or maybe my ex-best friend.

I waited for him to start screaming. Quite frankly, that would make me feel better. Instead, he just kept staring at me. I started to walk toward him. He was still rooted on his spot. Unmoving. Just staring at me.

I remember the last time we talked. Well, it wasn’t really talking, more like screaming. I said some things that I couldn’t take back. He was so angry that day. I remember the look on his face when I told him that I wanted to leave. At that moment, I thought he would understand. But he didn’t.

No one did.

“Andy. How are you?” I said again. That seemed to snap him out of whatever thoughts he had. “What are you doing here?” He asked me, voice low.

I hesitated. I didn’t even know why I’m here. How could I explain that to him? So I just answered him honestly, “I thought it’s time to go home. But it seems like no one is here. So…”

“Yeah. Your mom is probably in the hospital. And Ellie is in school.”

Oh. Life did go on when I left. My sister must be in high school now. I did not get in touch after I left. I was so scared that they’d ask me to come home.

“Okay. Thank you. I’ll try to see my mom in the hospital…” I trailed off, waiting to see if Andy would say something more.

But he didn’t. He just nodded his head.

Then he left.

I tried not to feel bad. After all, I have no right to be. I left them and did not look back. I hate myself for leaving. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done. But I had to go, it was the only way to save me.

I started walking. Aimlessly. I have no luggage. I sort of just got in my car and drove. I didn’t know that I was coming home until I did.

Ten years. It’s been a long time. I wish I could say that I found myself all those years I was gone. But I didn’t. There’s always something missing. No matter how successful I became, there’s a void in my heart that I cannot fill.

“Alexis Sanchez? Is that you, young lady?” I heard an old voice ask. I saw my old English teacher, Mrs. Guevara outside the old church in town. “Hi, ma’am.” I answered her. “When did you arrive? Have you seen your mother yet?” She asked. I shook my head. “Oh, dear, I think she’s still in the hospital. I think her shift ends in about an hour,” Mrs. Guevara informed me. “Yeah. I saw Andy and told me where my mom was. Are you still teaching English at St. Andrews?” I asked her. “No, dear, I retired five years ago. I’m getting old, I can’t keep up with the young ones. How are you, Alexis?” she asked me. “I’m doing okay. I just thought I needed to visit. It’s been too long. But…it seems like I’m not really welcome.” I didn’t know why I said that.

Mrs. Guevara looked at me and said, “Come on, let’s have coffee in the diner. You can tell me what’s bothering you.” She led me to the old diner. It was a favorite hangout of mine when I was younger. It’s like people stopped what they were doing when they saw me. I could feel their eyes on me. I could hear their whispers.

I’m sure that they think they’d seen a ghost. Oh well, that doesn’t make me feel better. It’s like I came back from the dead. 

We sat down and ordered. 

“Now, Alexis, tell me what’s wrong? Ten years is a long time to be away from home. I’m sure your mom will be thrilled to have you here. “

“I’m not sure about that. I don’t know if you know the story, Mrs. Guevara…” I trailed off. “I know enough. It was after that um…accident. Poor Renata Vasquez. Died too young. She was one of your best friends, right?”

Our coffee arrived. I started to drink, then I remembered I’d sworn off coffee.

I nodded. It was the worst night of my life. I was driving us home after a party. I didn’t drink a lot, but Renata did. Renata was wild and adventurous. I still remember the way I dragged her out of that party. Andy was visiting his grandparents and so it was just the two of us. Renata didn’t want to leave, but I felt uncomfortable around a lot of people, especially boys. So I asked if we could leave. She sulked all the way to car. We had an argument. She tried to take the wheel. I don’t remember what happened next. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital and Renata was gone.

I closed my eyes. Tears were threatening to fall. “It’s my fault that she died.” I said simply. “Is that why you left?” Mrs. Guevara asked. “Yes. I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“No one blamed you, if I remember correctly. People at the party said how intoxicated she was. You did the right thing, dragging her away from the party.”

“I doesn’t matter. I blame me. But no one understood. Not my mom, not Andy. I needed to leave. I couldn’t breathe here. Everywhere I go, I see her face. She was so full of life, and I couldn’t face her parents. I….”

“So why are you here, dear? It’s been ten years. What made you decide to come home? There has to be a reason.”

I remained quiet, gathering my thoughts.

“All this time, I felt something was missing. I felt that something isn’t right. I realized that I just want to come home. I just want to see my mother. I just want to talk to my sister. I want to hug them both so tightly. But I don’t know if they would let me back in their lives, or ask me to leave.”

“Your mom missed you so much. She was a wreck when you left, not to mention worried. I’m sure that she will accept you with open arms. Mothers will always love their children. Unconditionally. Go see your mother. Talk to her. And tell her everything. I’m sure you all will work it out.”

I nodded. “Thank you, Mrs. G. Thank you for listening. I will try to catch my mom at work. Hopefully, I will be around to see you. Thank you for the coffee, too. Here, let me pay that for you.” I put some bills on the table.

Mrs. Guevara came over and gave me a hug. A tight hug that I have not felt in a long time. 

I started for the hospital, ready to face my past.