Hate Christmas

Write a story in which a cynical character gets amnesia on Christmas eve.

I hate this fucking holiday; Christmas. Goddamn it, everybody hates Christmas, except the billionaire companies who make the most profits this time of year, motherfuckers. I hate the advertisements, I hate Saint Nicolas, Oh, yes, and let's all go to the mall to see all these happy families getting expensive gifts for their kids and grandkids. Christmas hasn't been about Christ for over 2,000 years. Morons. Oh, but we must remember the story of the three fucking wise men. You know, more people kill themselves over the Christmas holiday than at any other time of year. Assholes. Anything for a buck. Ho, ho, ho. Oh, and Hannukah and Kwanza are more motherfucking marketing to get you to spend your money on bullshit nobody needs. Wonder what the hot toy is going to be this year, maybe it'll be a dildo. Assholes. And you know, the goddamn parents can't get their kids up to go to school, have to fight them to get to the fucking bus stop, but on Christmas these fuckers are up and adam and looking for the presents Santa got'em. Fuck Santa and fuck Christmas.  

The whole fucking point of the Christmas tree came from the goddamn pagans who thought if they decorated the shitty evergreens, the other trees'd get jealous and sprout, too. We now know the goddamn trees will sprout without decorating the evergreens, but who cares? The evergreens are fucking dead anyway, which is never what the stupid pagans wanted in the first place. Motherfucking morons. Maybe if we put a penny in the wishing well, our stupid damn wish'd come true. I wish I didn't have to see any more of these goddamn lights. It's burning electricity which is destroying our planet. Assholes.  

Oh, and let's all go the mall and sit on Santa's lap and ask him for God only knows what and mail him letters. I wonder what Santa wants. Maybe he wants a skinny girl to sit on his lap and give him a lap dance. Assholes. And you know what my least favorite part of this Channukah/Christmas/Kwanzo bullshit is? Wait a minute. . . . who are you? What are you doing here. No, your not, I've known them since I was five years old and you're . . . you are? Ok, what was the name of the elementary school . . . that's right. He must have told you, but . . . wait. What was I talking about? Christmas? When's Christmas? Two weeks. Shit. Did I get anything for . . . I don't? Where's Dad, I should ask him what he wants for . . . no, he's not. I just spoke to him yesterday. Ok, well, when you see him, be sure to tell him I said hi and ask him what he wants for Christmas. Now, where's Fluffy. You know? My dog, Fluffy. Yes, I do. I've had Fluffy since I was a little boy. Fluffy. Come here boy. I got a treat for you. Just ask my mom and dad, they'll tell you all about Fluffy.  

Wait. Are you sure? Very funny. Did Jenna put you up to this? My sister, their daughter. Come on, guys. Joke's over, bring out Fluffy and come on out Mom and Dad. Where are they? No, no, I'm only ten years old. The mirror, why? Who's that. Uh-uh, no, that's an old fart. Did Paul put you up to this? He always was a joker. Come on, guys, come on out.  

This calendar's even bullshit. Wrong year. Did you say it was near Christmas? What do Mom, Dad, and Jenna want for Christmas. Ok, look, give me the telephone and I'll call home. What the hell's that in your pocket? It is? How do you attach it to the phone jack in the wall? That's bullshit, you gotta hook it up to the wall unless your on the Jetsons. Ok, show me how to use this new age tech bullshit. How do I dial. Ok. What? Texts, what's that. You mean TTY? You know, TTY, or 711. How the hell else would deaf people talk to . . . Facetime, what's that? Wait, when was I supposed to be home for dinner? What month is it again? December? Did I get Grandma the right presents?  

Take out my wallet? Why? What you gotta borrow some dough? What, this is me? Very funny, who put you up to this. Yea, that's the year I was born. What, you can't talk to a phone, you talk through a . . . what did I land in a Star Trek convention or something? E-mail? What the fuck is that? What're you talking about? Next thing you know you'll tell me we've landed on the moon. Very funny. We did? What? Christmas, when's that? What d'ya want for Christmas? Wait, I said what about Christmas? It's on your phone. What's on your phone? No, no, you don't mean a phone, you mean a video recorder. What? Am I on Candid Camera? What, you ain't never even heard o Candid Camera? It's one of the most popular shows. Tell you what? Show me where the TV is. . . what? That thin thing's a TV? Does it work? Where would they put the tubing? You know, the tubing to connect everything? That's what I'll get you for Christmas, is a nice, big, box tv. The camera's on the phone? What the hell ya talking about? That's weird. Who's that? It's me, but I'm ten . . I hate Christmas? Why would I hate . . . Is this a practical joke? Where's Fluffy? Fluffy, come here boy! He in the kennel? No, he just a puppy dog, he ain't dead. Old age? What you talking about? Where's the Atari 8300? What? You don't? Let's look upstairs and . . . Wait, this ain't our home. Where are . . Where? We're not in New York no more? My house? How'd I buy a house? I'm a what? You be funny. Me with forty hour a week job and retired. Who put you up to this? Christmas? It be Christmas? Oh, what do you want for . . . I said what? Oh.  

Ok, start at the beginning. What year be it? Wow, you sure? Ok, and I be married? Widowee, wow. Kids? Three, two boy, one girl. What year it be? Holy shit. And we be driving in electric cars? Who be at war? Wow. You sure? Cyber attacks, satellites, man, this some fucked up shit? Well, must be April first . . .December? It almost be Christmas?  What you want for Christmas?  What do you want for Christmas? I just want to be left alone and stop comparing myself with others and seeing how little I have. I want to win the lottery or the Publisher's Clearance House, I want to be happy the way I see everyone else happy on this goddamn holiday. I just want to forget about Christmas and maybe God has answered my prayers. Maybe God is dog spelled backwards.