Don't drive so fast.

16^th July 2020

Sandra Wheatley

sandrawheatley@live.co.uk

 wordcount 1311

‘’If you don’t slow down, I’m going to get out of this car and walk’’

‘’You are hilarious, we are miles from the town, where are you going to walk too?’’

‘’That is beside the point, the point is, will you please slow down, you are driving like a maniac and I don’t like it. A good driver does not make his passengers feel unsafe. Besides that, we are on a country road and you do not have a clear line of sight. If something comes around the next bend doing the same speed as you, we are dead’’

‘’Ha ha ha you are so funny. I know exactly what I’m doing I am not going to do the slow stupid driving that you do Mother, now that is dangerous, what I’m doing is not dangerous, I know exactly what I am doing. Now sit back, check your emails and enjoy the ride’’.

‘’Oh very funny, I have no chance of checking my emails because I can’t take my eyes off the road, I have to drive for the both of us’’

‘’I don’t know what has happened to you Lee, you used to be such a steady careful driver. It was a pleasure to be in a car with you. Now, nobody want’s to get in a car with you they are scared to death. Where did things go so wrong?’’

‘’Oh for goodness sake, don’t start that dramatic crap Mum, it’s so boring. There is absolutely nothing wrong with my driving. Maybe, just maybe it’s you getting older have you thought about that?’’

I gave Lee a look that should have, under normal circumstances acted like Medusa’s and turned him into stone, however, much to my am amazement he was still sitting next to me driving like a maniac.

I turned the conversation to something a bit more positive in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere between us.

‘’so how is work going?’’

Lee laughed out loud and shook his head at the same time.

‘’I know what you're doing Mother, you know exactly how work is going, don’t you?’’

I smiled but stayed silent, my mind was racing, searching for my next move. I wanted to tackle him, to make him see what he was doing, was so very wrong, I just had no way of opening the next conversation without getting into an almighty fight with him. I never fight with either of my children, how could I tell him, what could I do?’’

‘’Lee, we just missed that Flippin car’’

I shouted as loud as I could and felt my throat tighten up with the stress of the situation. My tonsils now began to feel sore and I swallowed as much as I could to moisten my throat.

‘’When are we going to get there?’’

‘’Crikey Mum you sound like one of the children, what exactly is going on with you?’’

‘’Going on with me, are you flipping joking, you have lost the plot Lee, in fact, I don’t know now if you know what the plot is’’

‘’I know exactly what the plot is, thank's Mother, the question is do you?’’

‘’For goodness sake Lee, you can be so rude, just concentrate on the road, please and get us there safely’’

‘’You are always safe with me Mother, you know that, right?’’

‘’I know Son, but it’s not my safety I’m thinking about it’s your’s’’

‘’My safety?’’

‘’Yes, your safety, your safety, I think of nothing else’’

‘’What the hell are you talking about woman? Honestly, I despair of you sometimes’’

‘’I despair of myself’’

‘’What does that mean?’’

‘’It means, that I despair of myself. I don’t know how else to say it. I just feel, helpless’’

‘’Mother, I have no idea what you are talking about, you do speak a lot of old twaddle’’

Silence fell once again and for the rest of the journey from hell, we travelled in silence.

I felt angry, frightened and completely hopeless. I had never been in this situation before. I could not go forward, I could not go back so, as my old boss used to say, I was in between a rock and a hard place.

Eventually, the car came to a stop and inside my head, I sighed a sigh of relief. I didn’t dare to sigh an actual sigh, Lee would have hit the roof and things had been difficult enough between us today.

We walked into the restaurant and I saw to my relief and delight that Lee’s friends were already there, seated and waiting for us.

‘Everything ok?’’

I laughed.

Michael nodded, he understood exactly what I was thinking and what I was going through.

‘’Drink?’’

‘’Red wine please, small, Shiraz if they have it''

‘’Coming up’’

We had a lovely evening, we drank, we ate and we laughed. Inside I was sad, desperate and lonely. At least I could drive home, I was allowed one small glass of wine and I drove better on a small glass of wine than Lee did completely sober.

I knew it was coming, I just did not know exactly when. The when was the next morning. I received a phone call from Michael.

‘’He’s been arrested’’

I looked at the phone as if it was the first time I had ever seen it.

‘’Where is he?’’

‘’Maidstone, It’s not looking good for him, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say to you’’

‘’Michael, I knew it was coming I just didn’t know when. What will happen now?’’

‘’He is in front of the magistrate tomorrow. He said he was going to plead guilty, he doesn’t have a choice’’

‘’I know Michael, I know’’

‘’When they pulled him over for reckless driving, they found cocaine in the car and over ten thousand pounds’’

‘’How did this happen Michael? He wouldn't take an aspirin as a child, how did he become addicted to cocaine’’

‘’Listen, it’s not your fault. When his marriage broke up and he lost the kids, he couldn’t cope. He got in with a bloke who gave him cocaine for free to ease his pain, then when he couldn’t pay him back he got sucked into buying and selling it’'

‘’I know Michael, thank you for sticking by him. You are a good man and I appreciate you, thank you’’

‘’It’s ok, he means the world to me too, you know’’

‘’I went on at him about his driving, when all I wanted to say was, stop taking drugs, get clean, sort yourself out’’

I cried until I could not cry any more.

My son went to prison for five years.

The day he was sentenced I was sentenced too. I will spend every minute of the next five years doing the sentence with my Lee.

Please don’t judge him, he is a really good man who found himself in a really bad place. There but for the grace of God go I and all that.

He is actually a fabulous driver, but how else could I tell him how much I cared about him, how much I loved him, how much I was worried about him?

I am off to do my first prison visit now.

 Facebook has been very unkind about my lovely son. They don’t know him, they don’t know the man, they don’t know how kind and generous he is. They don’t know that he has hit a brick wall in his life, a brick wall he just could not navigate.

There but for the grace of God go I.

My life is on hold for the next five years. I long for the day my Son will walk out into the sunshine and drive me home. I will not complain, not on that day.

The End.