For Thea: To Read One Day

Dear tiny life inside me,

Hello. You are the size of a poppy seed, but you have suddenly become such a huge part of my world. It’s strange to think that yesterday you did exist to me, and yet today, thanks to two pink lines, you have become my everything. 

It scares me to no end to think that I am now responsible for a life, tiny though you may be. I hope that you like it in my womb, that you are comfortable, that you do not want to leave. 

I suppose that I should admit to you now that you were not exactly planned. I feel guilty admitting that, but I want you to know right away that that doesn’t mean you aren’t wanted. I just didn’t know that I wanted you until I found out about you. 

I know that I am only eighteen, and have no idea how to be a mother, but I promise you that I’m going to try my very best. And I know that your dad isn’t in the picture, and I don’t think he ever will be, but we don’t need him. 

I’ll admit to you that I’m feeling really scared right now, and that last week I had a beer with my friends because I didn’t know that you were inside me. Now that I do though, I promise that I’m going to do everything I can to keep you safe inside me. I don’t want to give you any reason to leave. 

I don’t know why I decided to write this letter to you, and I know that it would seem silly to a lot of people, but I think that you can hear me. Even if you can’t, one day you will read this and know that underneath all the mistakes that I will probably make, I loved you from the very beginning. And I do, because I have realized in the past twenty-four hours that when you find out that there is a life growing inside you, a life that you created, it is impossible not to. 

Sincerely, Maya

Dear Thea,

You’re going to come into this world any day now. I cannot wait to meet you, and yet I am completely terrified at the same time. I am so afraid that I will do something wrong, so please have patience with me, and know that I will try my best.

I hope you are ready to see the world, and you do not hesitate in making your entrance. Before you arrive I want to tell you about the world, the things that you are going to see. You will see sunsets that are so beautiful they can drive you to tears. You will see and feel things that will hurt, but none of it will be permanent. You will see thousands of faces, and fall in love, and fall apart. And when you do I promise that I will do everything I can to put you back together.

I know that I am not the ideal mom, but I want you to give me a chance. To be honest, I never thought of a future where I was a mother, and yet now I can’t imagine one where I am not going to be. You deserve to have a perfect family, and I know that this is not exactly one, but this is yours. And I’m going to give you everything that I possibly can. 

I cannot wait to meet you, Thea. There is so much for you to see in this world, I already know that you are going to be extraordinary. 

Sincerely, Maya

Dear Thea,

Happy birthday! As of today, you have been on this earth for one year, though it feels like so much more. I’m writing this letter while you sleep next to me, and you keep moving around and making soft little noises. I wonder what your dreams are, and I can’t wait until you will be able to tell me. 

I know you won’t remember today, but I had a party for you even though people say that it's silly to do that when you’re still so young. I don’t care what they think, you deserve to be celebrated. Jonah was here, and so was your grandparents, which surprised me because they’ve only seen you once before. Jonah bought you a stuffed rabbit that’s bigger than you are, and you wouldn’t let go of it all night. He’s really good with you, which makes me so happy. I had the feeling today that he’s going to be there for all your birthdays to come.

Anyway, I want to tell you that this has been the best and most terrifying year of my life so far. It's incredible how many intense emotions such a small being can induce. During this year I have felt love in a way that I never, ever have before. I have felt completely lost and helpless when you cried and I didn’t know what to do for you. The first time you looked at me and said ‘mama’, I wept with joy.

At first, my friends asked me when I was going back to school, and when they talked to me there was pity in their eyes, as though they thought I was missing out on life. How can someone be missing out on life when they get to see it growing and changing every day right in front of their eyes?

Thank you for coming to me, Thea, I’m so glad that you were born.

Love, Maya

Dear Thea,

Today is your first day of school! I should be at work right now, but after I came home from dropping you off I admit that I cried a little bit. Then I sat down and started writing you this letter. I can’t believe that the last time I wrote you one of these was five years ago. Time goes by so fast, it feels like just yesterday you were so small you could get lost in my arms. 

This morning when I dropped you off at your new school I sat in the car and watched you walk into the building, and had the urge to call you back to me, to never let you go. You looked so fragile walking there with your too-big bookbag and the pink gossamer dress you adore and that makes you look like a character from a fairy tale. 

In that instance, I could see you grow up before my eyes. Walking into a high school as a beautiful teenager, going off to college, walking down an aisle. I want you to know, right now, in five more years, whenever you are reading this letter, that no matter where you walk in life I will always be there for you to come back to. 

I have to go to work now, even though I know I could sit here at this table all day telling you all the things that you are too young to understand right now. I love you, Thea, you are more extraordinary than I ever could have dreamed.

Love, Maya

Dear Thea,

Happy thirteenth birthday! Right now you’re in your room with your best friends playing Ariana Grande way too loud and dancing like you’re twenty instead of just barely past twelve. You wouldn’t believe this, but I understand exactly what it's like to be your age. Some days you wake up and wish that you were eighteen and riding in some boy’s car, and the next day you wish you could still play with your dolls. 

It's so strange, it feels like I went to sleep one night and you were obsessed with princesses, and then I woke up the next morning and caught you trying on my halter tops and looking frighteningly good in them. Sometimes I miss the bubbly little girl you were, but I love how we can talk about so much now, sometimes it feels like I’m talking not to my daughter, but to a friend. 

Lately, you’ve been spending more time in your room, and you aren’t as quick to laugh at Jonah’s jokes, but I know that you’re just trying to find yourself. I catch glimpses of the little girl still inside you in the way you wrap your arms around me and call me mommy in the morning, and I see the young woman you are becoming when the tears in your eyes stay there, and you laugh instead of cry. 

I hope you never lose the child inside of you. I know that some people think that because I had you so young I was forced to become an adult too fast, but I think they’re wrong. By watching you grow up I have been able to remember the abandon of being young and find that in myself again. 

I know that this world will try to make you grow up too fast, but don’t be afraid to be different. The other night I watched you dancing in your room when you didn’t know I was there. You flung your arms out and spun in wild circles, even though there was no music playing. I hope that you will always live like I saw you dance; wild and beautiful, and as though no one is watching.

Love, Maya

Dear Thea,

I’m writing you this letter because today you came home with your first broken heart, and I found myself unable to fix it. I’m sure that when you read this letter you will have forgotten this first heartbreak, and you will know that I was right when I told you that this pain you feel now is temporary. 

This is the first time in your life that I have felt completely helpless to take away what’s hurting you. All I can do is tell you that you will be okay eventually, and that he is a complete fool not to want you. And right now, you don’t even want to hear me tell you that. You asked me to leave you alone, and shut your bedroom door in my face.

I know that it’s selfish for me to feel hurt by that, when you are the one in pain, but I still found myself standing there in front of your bedroom, unable to move. I know that you need time to heal yourself, but I can’t stop myself from wondering when you realized that I couldn’t stop the world from hurting you. 

Having a child is the most extraordinary thing. You get to be there with them when they are young, you get to filter the world that they see. Then they get older, and you can only watch them as they uncover all the things that you tried to protect them from. Part of me is thinking right now that you’re only fifteen, that you are much too young for all of this, but I know in my heart that I can’t stop life from bringing you sadness.

I don’t know where you will be when you read this letter, or what you will be doing. I know that right now it feels as though surely you will not live another moment, and you cannot imagine a time when you will not remember this. And I know one thing with complete certainty; you deserve all the love and joy in the world, and one day you will have it. Just hold on, Thea, and don’t forget that I am here, even when you feel like no one else is.

Love, Maya

Dear Thea,

Two years ago I wrote you a letter because you had your heartbroken, and I didn’t know what to do. Today I’m writing you another one because you are in love. Surprisingly, I think that this one is going to be harder to write than the last one. 

I know that when you read this letter the love that you have then will not be the love that you have now, but I’m sure you will remember how you felt that first time. 

It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen, and I have seen double rainbows, and shooting stars, and your birth. I think that I knew you were in love before you did. I could see it in your eyes, in the way they danced; I could see it in your smile. First love is one of the most beautiful and innocent things on this earth, and seeing you in the depth of it reminded me of its wonder. 

I know that I should warn you about the dangers of love, how it robs us of our senses; and the dangers of leading with your heart. I know that it would probably be the responsible thing to do, but I don’t feel like being responsible. I should warn you about all the things that no one ever told me, the things that led me to getting pregnant so young. But I cannot say that, because it led me to you, which was the best thing I ever did.

Love fiercely, Thea, love as though you have nothing else in the world to do. And do not be afraid, or run away, from love’s overwhelming beauty.

Love, Maya

Dear Thea,

I’m writing you this letter because I have suddenly realized that perhaps I have been taking time for granted. I suppose it’s human nature to try and ignore the things that are overwhelming, and frightening. We take moments for granted because we assume that there will be so many more.

It seems like just yesterday you were a newborn in my arms, and yesterday you turned eighteen years old. You are the same age that I was when I gave birth to you. I have thought this whole time that I would be there to see you grow until we were both old, and now I am terrified that I will not be able to. 

At first, I told myself that the pain was just a migraine, then I told myself that it was from stress when it wouldn’t go away. I tried to ignore it because I did not want to think about what it could be. The day before your birthday I went to the doctor because Jonah was getting worried. I told myself that it wasn’t going to be anything. I thought that if I forced myself to believe that everything was okay then it would be.

I’m going to do everything I can, Thea, I promise you that. But I cannot lie to myself, or to you. I haven’t told you yet, but I know that I have to eventually. I hope that you will be able to forgive me because I am going to forgive myself.

In these past two days, I have learned that there is not enough time not to forgive. There is only time for each other.

Love, Maya

My beautiful Thea,

First I want to tell you that you are extraordinary. There is a light inside of you that you must never let go out, because the whole world deserves to see its brilliance. I could never have imagined that I could create something as astounding as you, and I am so proud of you.

I am so sorry that I am leaving, and you know that if I could I would do anything to stay here with you, but there are some things out of our control. I would give anything not to leave you and Jonah, but I don’t have anything left to give but what I leave here for you.

 I was thinking yesterday about all the things I will not get to see; your wedding, the birth of your children, all the tiny moments that make up a lifetime. 

Then I remembered all that I have seen; your first words, the first time you laughed, and all the memories came back to me in a rush. A thousand beautiful moments that can be a lifetime, if that’s all you have. 

Virginia Woolf said, “I meant to write about death, only life came breaking in,” and that is what’s happening now. I wanted to tell you not to grieve for me, that we will see each other again, but for some reason, I find myself unable to write those words.

Instead, I will leave you with this. 

Your name means “bringer of light and dawn”, and I knew when I chose that name for you that you would bring light into this world. I just never could have dreamed how much you have brought into mine. Be a light in the darkness, Thea, you are strong enough.

And most importantly, find joy in every moment you have, because life is too precious not to live with all your heart. 

I don’t want to say goodbye, because I don’t believe that’s what death is. I will always be with you, because I brought you into this world. And even when I am no longer in it, all you have to do is look in the mirror and I will be there, in every breath you take, in every beat of your heart.

With so much love, Maya