Morris Kuritsky breached in a berth with Miss Universe alias Hulk Helen

This "FAKE" non existent author admits prevarication when he went figuratively, literally and need dull aye say more - metaphorically bobbin along while willy steamboat (housing him and other passengers coursed merrily along destination unknown. Hmm.. me thought maybe the outer limits of the twilight zone. Prosaic license blithely nudged, stitched, and wove upon the scantiest clad warp and woof. The threadbare (seam ming lee) believable swiftly tailored (harriedly styled) story predicated upon conjured paranormal phenomena points in one direction. Asian cannot see to validate take my word, the dim sum spirit of particular dead soul strictly incumbent on confabulation. More specifically essence of following tall tale ferreted with actual, albeit minimal lionized lynx to yours truly. Ye dear reader may doubt any verity. Sew be it. This dough tee longfellow (i.e. me) took merest crumb of fact. He bread over recent time (while loafing) elaborate twisted vignette. Though corny, muck cabre expounded reedsy flash fiction gingerly arose moments ago while I happened tubby housed within apartment b44 Highland Manor low income living facility. There be kernel pertaining to mine who got stalked courtesy dead maternal grandfather from the czarist era Russia. His wandering soul unexpectedly took root within one corporeal complex edifice, who immediately forget actual christened birth nom de plume. Try not to laugh at asinine parents hashtagging their only son Gluteus Maximus. Max for short. Though fiction, an inherent judiciousness kept motive linkedin nattily to the plaid plot tendered with believability. The barest of threads found me induced to hem, measure, and spin adventure at sea (in the water) within this vague worsted yarn.Hence his ethereal erstwhile essence entered eminent egghead scrambling me noggin. Said disembodied spirit (pined) to dole fully dove, while ice creamed, cuz even dollop of milk product agitates lactose intolerance. This scrivener doth not need to waste precious airspace and time elaborating regarding how lower gastrointestinal abdominal pain induced body electric to double, triple, quadruple... ad nauseum over with utmost discomfort. Mad dash for halloo loo yeah toilet probably the fastest on record.

When asked my real name? I naturally answered without missing a beat “Morris Kuritsky” also known as Moshe to kith and kin. Minor misdeed? I admit to very slight betting/ sweepstakes drawing infraction. The confession? Yours truly submitted countless entry forms with plethora of screen names. Only one household submission allowed. My name got randomly chosen in an online contest. I would be taking an extended shining cruise (accompanied with a veritable stranger) to some unknown tropical island. The previous sentence summarizes the spiel told me by facilitators of said contest.

Once traipsing along (subsequently boarding) the gangplank into the immense general headquarters (where other passengers could be seen and heard milling about), I stood into a conga line that appeared to be briskly snaking forward. Upon reaching the handsome, efficient clerk he got down to brass tacks asking pertinent question. After rattling off satisfactory feedback, yours truly listened and watched where said official cordially guided accommodations. Thence upon being directed to the location of that particular suite correlating with my boarding pass, I gingerly crossed an expanse of greensward. Ecological trademark trapping incorporated one natural boat tan nickel feature emblematic of this ocean liner. These brown myopic bespectacled eyes performed a sweeping glance of the Spartan earthen work quarters essentially set aside for a penniless folk like myself. A quick study found the onboard residence that matched the receipt stub. Ah…just room enough for one to relax. No matter the cramped quarters, any number of accoutrements availed the occupant. Built pinteresting gizmo connected to whatchamacallit doohickey contraption to sustain a gentle pendulous swinging motion accommodating couple persons at max, the hammock appeared most inviting.

Just on the verge and ready to doze off, the door handle jiggled. Then the entire solid oak door got wrenched from ironclad hinges. Right before thine bleary eyes, a well-chiseled female body builder entered the room. This extremely well toned, muscle bound female version of Atlas shrugging his shoulders found me to sit bolt upright, whereby frightful thoughts conjured an immediate facsimile of this wimp becoming pureed into pate vaguely resembling dog chow. Perhaps, an option would be offered to enable this puny fellow to choose posing as fountainhead amidst the plump cupids that donned the many balustrades. Okay even feigning emulating a gargoyle would be acceptable!Impossible mission not to stare at this marble hued muscular woman whose muscles rippled when she casually flexed even one pinky. At once, the notion to close heavy leaden lids suddenly seemed less apropos. Thus instantaneously Zarathustra appeared commenced to woke Russian/Yiddish never before learned. Though strictly unilingual with English language Wynken, Blynken, and Nod made cameo appearance as interpreters. They in toto also served as small mediums at large.

Unsure if this skinny guy would be flicked overboard without even the chance to twitter a SOS. Despite feeling utterly exhausted from completing a grueling confidential government contractual mission, the aery whim to enjoy luxuriating on the deck of this transoceanic vessel, I tried to keep sleepiness at bay. Meanwhile angry birds could be heard screeching, twittering uber vocalizing overhead as if conspiring to undermine any book marked thread to sleep. Although initially intimidated before this bronzed beauty queen (whose shadow weighed more then me), this wiry hot male sauntered over to the bedazzling bodybuilder lest she consider me a yahoo. With outstretched, hand as an accustomed overture to initiate conversation fingers nearly crushed by metallic blithe grip from this iron maiden. She possessed steely strength with barely any effort.Without asking nor mincing words, this outsize woman uttered, “you can call me Helen”! “You must be a fitness buff”! I emphatically stated the obvious. Her feminine response caught me off guard. “Yes”! Further elaboration took place as camaraderie began to emerge. As a scrawny pencil necked geeky lad” mine gaze immediately turned to her direction. She responded thus. “Nobody would dare bully a gal able to wrestle a girl gorilla." Despite rib cage locked and difficulty to swallow, I managed to wrench words that sounded somewhat bland. “How many years did bench pressing, curling, heavy weight lifting occupy your time?” “As the youngest girl of football sized brothers Karamazov, the interest at self defense and art of body sculpting arose soon about the same time first steps got taken.” When nonchalantly blurting out being only eighteen years old, an extreme effort required to keep orbs from popping out of their sockets and jaw from dropping to the floor. I pretended this bit of information to cause barely a ripple. While in a momentary pop eyed trance, this armored Brutus likened golden gal soothed any tension by offering a massage sprinkling olive oil. A feeble nod of assent accompanied a minor concern that no bone would be left intact. Once her claw like flanges smoothed out every last kink, I wanted to divorce my wife and marry this marvel of physical prowess ASAP! A sudden urge overcame this clutched prisoner. Maybe mad helter skelter dash (even at expense of chicken becoming chopped liver) could allow, enable, and provide this coked goose to become a fugitive stowaway amidst snapchatting crowd sourced chattering class. While nonchalantly commingling, a stealthily hiding place under an escape hatch might be discovered, whereat visa vice suh versa burying himself inside a large crate of some specialty export good could save his hide becoming beribboned, filleted, lacerated... courtesy nine inch nails. Rest assured (dear reader) that fate landed him topface down via the capital one force of nature squarely preserved his sense and sensibility without any pride nor prejudice as bona fide kosher product. Nonetheless, das scribe did find himself on horns of pickle pen ultimate dilemma. When... This young and restless bachelor felt a tingling sensation of glee (mingled with uneasiness) at what appeared to be a guiding light amidst this anatomically grayish brown approaching silhouette. Though phantasmagoric and amorphous, an intuition of salvation discerned from the increased proximity between said giantess and myself. A gentle soothing sotto voce voice seemed mismatched with such humungous human shape that upon closer inspection conveyed that distinct mien of femininity. She swung her immense torso and swept this nerdy, measly dorky dada into her popeye size arms. "Ha!" Both of us inexplicably uttered simultaneously. Overtaken with bravado, I now whispered “honey can we elope ASAP”?

She appeared quite flattered at being propositioned by what could easily be confused for a human walking stick figure! No doubt, the automatic clenching of her fist would crush my skeleton instantly turning me into a bag of bones. Much to my surprise, she exuded unbridled merriment at what appeared as an impulsive pronouncement to marry. Me thought, how the flickr ring, fickle finger hut of destiny can appear farcical. Despite this ludicrous series of events, we pledged our troth whereby she carried me toward the threshold of excitement.That maxim whereby when you do not seek that which ye covet arrives unexpectedly seemed to be the case with yours truly and his new found muse, who acted as bodyguard lurching madly whenever her bony fried beau threatened by bullies. How comical to witness village people (mainly macho men) scatter, skitter, skedaddle like scared stray cats when she lumbered with fire in those ruby red eyes. Nothing but calm seas sailing ahead.

Adieu: with Celestial sea chant -

Starry-eyed dark matter with a trace

of infinite space

espied by countless eons

since original human arms race

became cognizant of

her/his terrestrial place

gilding the heavens with

strings of pearly hued lace

closer to earth charting

with amazing grace

early skywatchers 

to notice moon face

goddesses assigned everyplace

lunar chevy driving chase

held captive via gravitational brace

with zodiac archer as ace.