The Adventures Of Frank And Susan, Zombie Janitors

Frank the zombie was a janitor in his former life and as it turned out, he was raised from the dead to continue his former profession. He was really hoping that after he died, he would be in paradise or at the very least resting in peace for eternity. But karma or fate or whatever, had other plans. Manzoor the necromancer who summoned him from the grave, was apparently also an entrepreneur. He created a startup company he called NecroSource that not only used the undead as a cheap source of labor, but also provided a clean alternative source of energy. The eldritch power that is the source of necromantic endeavors he believed could be harnessed as a carbon free source of energy for powering cities and towns as well as vehicles of transportation. Sure, it had its drawbacks such as a constant feeling of dread as well as the odd haunting here and there, but the benefits surely outweighed the drawbacks.

None of this was Frank’s concern, however. His only task was to make sure that NecroSource’s office space was clean. So that is what he concentrated the remainder of his will upon. Christmas was on its way as one evening he was in Manzoor’s office cleaning and when he circled round the boss master’s desk he noticed that he had left something on it. It was a disc made of gold, shot through with silver and obsidian symbols that seemed to pulse and swell filling his vision until he was forced to look away. He dusted the desktop placing his dust cloth in the same hand and put it over the disc, picking it up as he continued his task. It fit in the palm of his hand as if it was always meant to be there. Why he did it, he couldn’t say. He could feel a surge of something, what it was he couldn’t fathom but it seemed familiar in a way. He placed the disc surrounded by his dust cloth in his hip pocket and after cleaning the boss master’s bathroom, left the office, closing the door behind him.

After he finished his shift, instead of going to the basement level where zombies were stored until needed, he went to the nearest bathroom and hurried as fast as a zombie can hurry to one of the urinals and unzipped his fly. A sudden gush of something liquid issued forth from his loins and it didn’t seem to be pee. Oh maybe a little pee, certainly, but mixed in it and being the predominant liquid was something else. It felt like- It looked like- Death. It was a dark, very viscous fluid, that reminded Frank of motor oil, except that it was a sickly green in color with yellow undertones no doubt due to the small amount of pee mixed in with it. The power of this expulsion increased to the point that Frank had to back a good five feet or so away from the urinal or else the back splash would soak his overalls. It splattered and hissed, slopping onto the floor and a heavy cloud of steam arose from it. Frank stood there for what must have been a good six minutes before the eruption from his groin finally subsided. Frank flushed the urinal which made a gurgling sound not unlike a man enjoying his mouthwash in the morning. He suddenly felt the need to “rush” to the nearest toilet, strip his coveralls and sit. Just as he did so, a similar but more solid substance exploded from his bottom exterior. It was so powerful that he levitated off the toilet as if he were riding a jet ski. An additional ten minutes went by and he was able to stand up and put his coveralls back on. He cleaned up the mess he’d made as well as cleaning up himself and departed to head to the basement level.

When Frank got to the zombie storage area, he couldn’t help but notice the smell of suspended decay that rushed toward him like an excited puppy as he closed the door behind him. That was odd as he’d never noticed any smells for as long as he’d been a zombie unless it was the animal viscera or brains, which the zombies were fed daily. He wandered off toward his usual corner of the room and as he did so, he saw that the other zombies were backing away from him. Normally, they only did this when a human came in the area. When he got there, a nearby woman zombie shyly approached him and began to paw at his left hip pocket. Frank for reasons he could not fathom as his brain was not capable of doing so at that moment, took the disc out of his pocket and placed it into the woman zombie’s hand. Her dull eyes widened and Frank saw a sudden flush to her necrotic skin. He looked down at his hand and saw that the same was true of his own flesh only more so. She wandered off and began to walk in circles, slowly at first, but at a gradually increased pace. Frank thought(?) he knew what was coming next and went over to her and grabbed her by the hand that held the disc and pulled her back to his corner.

Almost immediately she began to strip off her coveralls and squat down as she evacuated the viscous death syrup from her body. Frank stood in front of her with his back toward her to give her some privacy, but the other zombies were far from curious. Many of them were in fact packing themselves in the opposite corner of the large room while others strode into walls or each other. When she had finished her evacuation she cleaned herself up as best she could with a cloth she carried and dressed. She walked over to Frank and looked up into his eyes with a clear gaze as the pool of death crept toward their feet. They nodded to one another and headed for the door. Just as they were about to depart, the woman tried to hand the disc to another zombie, this one who must have been a boy of about fourteen when he was turned. He stood there with a blank stare until she placed it in his hand. The boy held it palm up but did not close his hand over it. Frank noticed that the strange markings no longer pulsed as they once had and just as the boy zombie let it slide from his palm he managed to catch it before it hit the floor. Frank and the woman left the room.

They hid for many days mostly inside closets and bins and the occasional walk in refrigeration unit in the building’s food court on the main floor. Although there were cameras throughout the building, they were never discovered and it never occurred to them as to why that was. They discovered the employee gym and a clothing shop in the same evening. They took clothes for themselves the roll up gates yielding to their touch due to implanted passkeys and then took showers in the gym. They ate real human food too. Whatever little messes they made were taken care of by the zombie night crew. After their twelfth day with signs of Christmas having become even more apparent in the shopping plaza and elsewhere, they made love inside a broom closet. The occasional zombie would open the door to fetch a vacuum cleaner or dust pan and broom, and stare at them with vacant eyes, but other than that it was glorious. It was soon after that that they began to speak to one another, something that besides the typical zombie moan here and there would have been impossible before.

“Feel- I- alive,” said Frank with a raspy voice.

“Susan,” rasped his companion.

“Name – Not Susan. Frank.”

“Not – Frank – Susan.”

“No- Frank.”

“Susan.”This went on for a quite a while until they were finally able to sort out who was Susan and who was Frank.

Meanwhile, Manzoor, who was not in the Christmas spirit what so ever, was all too aware that his life giving disc he knew as the Osiris medallion, was missing especially since it was the very object that gave him life everlasting and kept his brilliant mind going. He’d charged it by subtly draining the life force of those around him. Not enough for them to notice with the exception that they may have felt a little tired now and then and certainly not enough to kill them. He could have sworn that it was in his personal bathroom the last time he’d had it while taking a shower. He wasn’t normally so careless, but he was due for another treatment and sometimes he could feel the long ages of his existence begin to weigh upon him when it time for regeneration.

The problem was he couldn’t tell anyone about the Osiris Medallion, which meant that he couldn’t alert security to aid him in his search. He managed to access the security footage with the help of Vlad, his chief of security, but shooed him out of the room so as not to give away his most precious secret. Vlad left to go grab a blood bag from the vending machine down the hall and called his girlfriend, Succuba to talk to to while making his rounds. Manzoor poured over video from the last several days, At first all he saw were employees during the day who would never go into his office unless summoned. It didn’t occur to him that the night time zombie cleaning crew would be cause for alarm, but he decided to check the night video just in case it was a security guard or intruder. When he saw a faint shadowy outline in his office, he couldn’t believe his eyes. An undead presence took his medallion. Now it couldn’t be a witless undead janitor that only had enough brain power to perform the most rudimentary of tasks took- No. Some other entity stole his medallion.

“I think a purge might be in order,” he growled as he stood up and stormed out of the room. The first thing he did was to interrogate the security staff starting with Vlad. There would be no blood for Vlad and perhaps a sunny view from Manzoor’s office in his future if he did indeed have Manzoor’s medallion.

Frank and Susan realizing it was the holidays, decided to get each other presents. Frank found a very nice stapler to go with a teddy bear dressed as Santa The stapler was bright red and Frank thought, gave a feeling of Christmas cheer. He wrapped them up in a plastic trash bag he’d gotten from a supply closet. Meanwhile, Susan was also feeling the Christmas spirit even though she was pretty sure she was Jewish in her previous life. Or agnostic. Or Zoroastrian. Or something. She found a nice pair of socks along with a container full of band aids. She didn’t stop there. She found a bathrobe in the gift shop and stuffed its pockets with the other gifts and wrapped it up in a pair of men’s slacks.

The days past and yule time was fast approaching. Manzoor went through his entire undead staff minus the zombies and still he had no clue as to where the Medallion of Osiris could possibly be. He could sense it faintly as it grew closer to the time of renewal but it was so damned vague and elusive. He only knew that it was still in the building somewhere. After a spell of brooding, he decided to check the zombie storage unit. Maybe one of them could have inadvertently made off with it.

He was getting desperate to even consider the idea he knew, but he had to try. If his search didn’t turn up anything, he was going to have to perform the ritual. He headed down to the basement level. Only humans, pure humans could own and run businesses and own property as dead people or undead people no longer possessed the rights they once had when alive being dead and passing on their worldly goods and all. Technically, he wasn’t exactly undead, but kept alive by the amulet. Regardless, it could be construed as such if discovered. Also he had faked his death many times over the years and assumed many identities. Currently, he was known as Rick Blaine. How he loved Casablanca.

When he arrived at the zombie storage unit he was confronted with their smell as they milled about, but as he went further in, he detected another smell. He found a stain on the lower part of the wall and on the floor in a corner of the room. The zombies seemed to be avoiding it he’d noticed and when he bent down to examine it, he could detect a faint miasma of...

“Shit.” One of the zombies did take his medallion. Most likely it ended its existence as what kept a zombie going was now expelled onto the floor.

“But where did that accursed zombie go off to to expire?” He could not pick up on the medallion any better than before and after searching the area and the zombies. It was getting close to the time of renewal and if he couldn’t get a hold of the medallion by then, he would have to perform the ritual.

“Shit.” It was time to summon aid.

“Susan?”

“Yes, Frank?”

“We should leave this place. Make a home somewhere.”

“I would like that. But where will we go? We were dead. Now that we’re alive again, how do we make that work?”

“I guess we’ll have to figure it out along the way.”

Susan smiled and hugged Frank. Frank kissed the top of her head. Christmas finally arrived and Frank and Susan exchanged gifts, ate together, made love together and swore their love together as husband and wife. They made plans to leave the next day. The building was empty of living beings that morning, Susan and Frank being the exception thought they had the building to themselves.

Creatures the color of shadow swooped and slithered throughout the halls and offices of the building. Frank and Susan packed their belongings and put on their winter attire. They headed toward the ground floor when the its came gliding in from the low lit areas and shadows. There were five of them and they quickly surrounded the newlyweds and filled the air with growling and cough-like barking. The creatures were the size of a Shetland pony with low sleek bodies that arched and curved in rapid succession when they moved. Their eyes were small, their ears large and rapidly pivoted toward every sound. Their noses were always at work and they were especially excited about Frank’s right pocket. Frank and Susan tried to run but they were too quick. One of them leaped in the air and landed on Frank. It started snarling and tearing at his clothes. Susan started bashing it over the head with her duffel bag with little effect. One of the its pulled her away and she fell on her butt. Frank tried pounding on its head, but it was relentless. He pulled out the disc that he’d found on the boss master’s desk all those weeks ago as it was the only thing close to a weapon he had, and tried to hit it in the face. It grabbed his hand with its mouth, while it suddenly ceased its snapping and clawing as it sniffed the disc with great alacrity. Suddenly, with one paw like hand it snatched the disc from Frank’s grasp, got up off of him and showed to the other members of its pack. They in turned sniffed it while they exchanged barks and yips with one another with great excitement. The one holding the disc nodded and then turned toward Frank and Susan.

“Oh, hey man. Sorry about getting rough with you. It’s this job. It can get intense let me tell you. Especially when the client throws a geas on us.” It pulled something from behind its back which turned out to be a business card. It said, “Shadwick’s Retrieval Service. When you need to find a thing, we’re the things that can find it.” It also provided a contact ritual on the back. It placed the card in Frank’s hand and then turned away and disappeared along with the rest of the pack into the shadows.

After making sure that they both still had all of their appendages they grabbed their belongings and hurried toward the door. When they got outside, they felt the cold snap of winter and huddled inside their coats.

“Which way?” Asked Frank.

“Forward,” said Susan while taking Frank’s hand in hers. With that they turned left and faded into the night.

Manzoor sat in his office ready to perform the ritual although he really didn’t want to. For one thing, it required him to perform it naked. Not only that, he would have to recite what he thought was the worst sort of poetry as a spell to summon Osiris combined with German folk Oompa like music. Then the its appeared and they were quite pleased with themselves.

“Well, do you have it?”

“Of course,” said the lead it as it showed Manzoor the medallion. Manzoor stood up and attempted to grab it from the its paw.

“Not so fast. Payment first.”

“Fine.” He reached into a desk drawer and pulled out an object wrapped in blood stained butcher paper and gave it to the creature.

“Pleasure doing business with you,” it said after examining the contents of the package. With that, it and its cohorts melted away into the shadows.

Manzoor examined the medallion.

“Empty. Well, here’s hoping that Osiris is in a generous mood.”