New Start

As Maddie approached the cafe, she spotted a free table on the porch and quickly claimed it. The whirring ceiling fan broke up the hot, summer air, as she caught her breath. She was excited and felt a hopefulness she hadn’t in years.

           “Someone looks happy,” her friend, Fay joined her, giving her a hug. “Spill it,” she demanded. “The last time I saw you, you were in tears. How’s that ex of yours anyway?”

           “The divorce won’t be final for a while,” Maddie reminded her. “And I haven’t spoken to him recently.” The fan blew her new, wispy haircut, the dark tendrils framing her face.

           “Well, you look fabulous,” Fay told her. “Whatever is putting that smile on your face, we should celebrate,” she said, picking up the cocktail menu. “Drinks on me.”

           “I won’t argue,” Maddie laughed, setting her phone on the table in case her daughter called.

           The waiter appeared and took their lunch order.

           “What’s Up, Maddie?” Fay asked, waving her tan, well-manicured hands.

           Maddie fidgeted, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, before remembering it was short. “I’m going back to school!”

           “What! That is wonderful news!”

           “I think so, but Clare doesn’t seem to agree.”

           “What do daughters know,” Fay reassured her. “I know she’s taken the divorce hard, but seriously? She should be proud.”

           “Well, John is not quite on the pedestal he once was,” Maddie admitted, as the waiter brought their drinks.

           “He’s a fool!” Fay said, of Maddie’s ex.

           “Well, the joke was on me,” Maddie said, taking a sip of her drink. Truthfully, Maddie was appalled at the complacent person she had become. After 35 years of marriage, she had grown accustomed to deferring to John on most matters. But this was a new year for her, and she vowed to never let herself be that dependent again. She prayed her newfound confidence would stick when it came down to it.

           “So, why does Clare think school isn’t a good idea?”

           “I guess she feels I’m too old, or not brazen enough for today. I don’t know” Maddie said, perplexed.

           “Ridiculous! I’ll have a talk with that girl!” Fay told her.

           “I just met with a college counselor,” Maddie filled her in. “I’m enrolled for this fall.”

           “You go, Maddie! I’m so happy for you,” Fay said, with sincerity. “You can do this.”

           “I’m terrified,” Maddie admitted. “It seemed a lot easier at 20.”

           “I’m sure it was,” Fay agreed. “But you’re stronger now. Even if you don’t feel like you are. I believe in you.”

           “I’m glad someone does,” Maddie joked. “I plan to finish my psychology degree,” she announced. “And then my master’s. I’ll probably be 60 by then,” she shrugged.

           “In your prime! I am so proud of you. Going after your dreams,” Fay pointed out. “Clare will be too. I promise. You two are so close, she can’t help but be.”

           ‘Thanks for being my cheerleader. It’s been a rough patch, but now I just feel excited. I put so much of my life on hold for John and the kids. I hate that I’m such a statistic.”

           “You did what many of us do. Look at me? I’m a perfect example. Maybe I should join you?”

           “We would sure have fun,” Maddie marveled at the thought.

           “I was never much of a student,” Fay admitted. “And I like my job, even if Tom thinks it’s a hobby.”

           “No way, Fay. He doesn’t believe that!”

           “I don’t know,” she said, taking a drink of her fruity cocktail. “He’s clearly the breadwinner, but I love my job, and they would hire me full time in a heartbeat.”

           “Are you thinking of going full time?”

           “After what you’ve been through? Yes, it’s been on my mind.”

           “To us,” Maddie toasted. “And realizing our dreams and potential.”

           “May we always remember how capable we are,” Fay added.

           The brimming confidence at lunch, quickly faded when Maddie got home and logged on to her school account. She considered herself computer literate, but apparently not savvy enough to navigate the school website.

           “Damn!” she shouted with frustration. Her phone rang, diverting her attention.

           “Hey, Clare. How are you? she asked her daughter, trying to swallow the anger at the computer.

           “Good. I just had a break and I wanted to say hi. What are you up to?”

           “Oh, not much,” Maddie replied, vaguely. Clare didn’t need to know how inept she felt. It would only prove her point. That she wasn’t cut out for this.

           “Well, I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I don’t mean to discourage you, but school is a lot different today. Almost everything is online now. I’m just worried for you,” she said, her voice sympathetic.

           “I’m worried about me too,” Maddie confessed. “But this is important to me. I need to do this. I need to know I can.”

           “I’ll try to be more supportive,” Clare promised. “Look, I have to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later?”

           “Sure, sweetie.”

           With a fresh resolve, Maddie went back to the website, but no matter what she did, she was unable to log into her student account.

           If this was any indication of what was to come, she thought as her eyes welled up, she was in trouble.

           Taking a deep breath and counting to ten, she called the school. After some time, she was finally connected to an IT guy, who walked her through the steps.

           “This program is not real user friendly,” he admitted. “It takes some getting used to,” he assured her.

           Maddie hoped that was the case, but she jotted down his number for future reference.

           “Thank you so much,” she said, when her fall schedule popped up.

           “No problem.”

           Maddie printed out the list of books she would need, logging out and then logging back in to make sure she could do it on her own. One hurdle down, she thought. But who was she kidding? She felt like she’d failed the first test.

           “Baby steps,” she whispered to herself, shoving her negative thoughts to the side. Instead, she made a list for the campus bookstore, looking forward to all she would learn.

           Maddie’s confidence came and went like the waves in the ocean.  She hoped at some point they would stabilize. Knowing she had to step into the fear and walk through it, she trudged ahead.

           The next day she got completely lost on campus on her way to the bookstore, but everyone she asked for directions was patient and friendly. No one made her feel stupid. Getting her textbooks made her realize how hungry she was to learn. That was the goal she needed to focus on, not second guessing herself.

           Nostalgia swept over her, while buying her school supplies. She’d always loved the start of school and she was remembering what a good student she’d been. When had she begun to doubt herself?

           The minute she got home, Maddie made a cup of tea and opened her psychology book. The stiff spine cracked, and she could smell the ink and paper. Eagerly she read the first chapter and when she was done, she read it again. Maddie felt herself expanding, loving every word. It was like she was finding a missing piece of herself. How had she ever gotten so derailed from her dreams?

           The night before her first class, her doorbell rang, interrupting her anxious fretting.

           “Surprise!” Fay exclaimed, holding up a large gift bag. “For you,” she announced, following Maddie inside. “I knew you’d be freaking out tonight, so I thought you could use some company.”

           Maddie hugged Fay and took the bag she handed her. “You shouldn’t have. What did you do now?”

           “Open it,” Fay said, giggling like a kid.

           Maddie and Fay pulled the billowing pink tissue out of the bag together.

           “Oh, my gosh,” Maddie shouted, lifting out a beautiful, leather briefcase. “It’s perfect!”

           “Before you know it, you’ll have clients lining up, and you’ll be helping people.”

           “Thank you for believing in me,” Maddie hugged her friend again. “I got my syllabus today and I am shocked at the amount of work I’m facing.”

           “You’ve got this, my friend” Fay reminded her.

           “I’m starting to believe that. Well, at least some of the time,” they laughed.

           They toasted Maddie’s new endeavor with a glass of wine, and by the time Maddie went to bed she was feeling relaxed but excited too.

           From the moment she woke up the next day, Maddie buzzed with energy. The light breakfast of toast and tea lay half eaten on the table. When had she ever been too distracted to eat? Grabbing a granola bar for later, she headed to class, her heart beating a staccato.

           Mills of students flooded the campus, clustering in groups with excited chatter. They looked like babies, Maddie thought, wondering for the hundredth time what she was doing here.

           The humanities building loomed before her and she shuffled inside with a slew of students.

           Her first class was already half full by the time she found the classroom. With her heartbeat ramping up a notch further, she took a deep breath and went in.

           “You can do this” she whispered under her breath and went and found a seat.