Moments

I sighed as I dropped to my knees. This was my last box to unpack, and it was the one I was dreading the most.

I didn't move for a few minutes, opting to stare at the word scrawled across the top. Maya.

We hadn't spoken in a few weeks. Not since-

Stop. Thinking about that will send you into another panic attack, and that's the last thing you need right now.

I shut my eyes tight, took a deep breath, and quickly opened the box. The first thing I saw was her sweater. The one that I almost wore when I packed my car two weeks ago. The one that was worn down and so impossibly soft that it was better than any blanket I had ever owned.

A lump formed in my throat. I held back my tears and debated closing the box again. What's worse? Seeing all of her stuff or seeing her name?

I stared at the sweater for another minute before slowly taking it out and hiding it at the very back of my closet. Maybe I can hide everything away and get rid of the box. Then I won't have to think about it. Or her.

When I looked back into the box, the lump in my throat just seemed to grow. Where the sweater had been was now a bunch of the random things she had left in my room. A phone charger that doesn't work for my phone, an oversized t-shirt covered in paint, a few fidget toys, and a small handful of instant print photos. As quick as I could, I shoved the charger and fidget toys into my nightstand and put the shirt in the back of a random dresser drawer.

The pictures were harder to hide away. I picked them up and felt the first tear roll down my cheek. The picture on top was of me grinning at the camera in a park. My hair was flying all over the place because it had been so windy that day. The next one was of both of us, smiling softly at the camera and laying in the grass.

I wiped my eyes and slowly shuffled through the photos. The panic I was feeling earlier dissipated with each picture, but the sadness in my chest just seemed to grow until I got to the end of the stack. Then the anger set in. Without thinking, I threw the stack at the wall and curled into myself, letting the sobs rip through my chest.

"Rachel?" Mom called, knocking on the door.

I glanced up to make sure my door was locked. Mom didn't need to see me like this. No one did.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

I still didn't answer.

No, I'm not okay. I miss her, and I don't think I'm ever going to stop missing her.

"Rachel, please. Let me in. Let me help."

My head started shaking. I pressed my palms against my temples, hoping that would stop it.

But my hands were shaking, and I couldn't breathe.

Mom kept knocking and talking to me. I wanted to tell her to go away. I wanted to tell her that I needed to be alone. But I couldn't do anything but cry and cry.

Eventually, she left.

She left, and I kept crying. My mind was flooded with the memories from the photos. I tried wiping the tears away, but more just kept rolling down my cheeks. I looked around, hoping to distract myself with something, but all I saw were the scattered pictures I had thrown against the wall five minutes ago.

There was one right next to my left knee. It was face down, but something was scrawled across the white space in Maya's handwriting. I frowned and picked it up. The tears made it hard to read, but the words sent me into another round of sobs.

The moment I knew she was it.

I flipped the photo over and felt myself dive right into the memory. It was just a picture of us laying in bed. It looked like I was mostly asleep, but this only happened two months ago. We had just gotten home from a concert, and we were a few seconds from crashing when Maya had decided to pull out her instant camera.

"Why do you need a picture right now?" I asked.

"Why not? Tonight was amazing, and I want to remember it forever."

"It was an unforgettable night. I don't need a picture to remember it."

"Maybe not. Maybe I just want another excuse to have a picture of my beautiful girlfriend."

I bit my lip and pressed my face into her neck, trying not to pass out on the spot.

"You're a dork, and I love you."

"I love you too."

"Do I need to look at the camera?"

"No. Just be you."

"I'm always me when I'm with you. You make me feel safe."

I felt more than heard her breath hitch. The arm around my waist tightened, and she pressed a kiss against my forehead," You're always going to be safe with me."

"I know."

The tears didn't stop for almost two hours. I had the small photo pressed tight against my chest. The memory from that night kept playing on loop in my head. Whenever it ended, it would flow right into the last time I saw Maya.

"You need to go."

"But why? What did I do?"

She didn't look at me. She wouldn't even face me. Her eyes were firmly staring out the window, and her hands were clutching the blankets covering her lap.

"Nothing. You didn't do anything. But you need to go before something happens."

"What do you think is going to happen? Do you not trust me anymore?"

"It's not- that's not it. I just- you deserve better than this." Still not looking at me, she nodded towards her legs.

"Maya, you're injured. It's not like you're dying or- or something. I don't know. Why would I leave?"

"Damn, Rachel. Go. I don't want you here. You don't need to see me like this, and I don't want you staying here just because you feel sorry for me."

"What are you talking about? I'm not about to abandon you while you're stuck in the hospital."

"I don't want you here."

That hurt.

That hurt a lot.

"Maya-"

"Go, Rachel. I don't...I don't want you here."

"But why? I don't understand."

"All you need to know is that this is done. We're done."

"What? Maya-"

"Don't. Don't make this harder than it already is."

Her shoulders were shaking, and I could hear the tears in her voice.

"Then don't do this! Why is...why? This is so out of left field. Just talk to me."

"What's there to talk about? I'm not going to be me for awhile, and I don't want to around when I'm not me. It wouldn't be fair to either of us, and you deserve to live your life happy. Not dealing with me while I basically learn how to walk again."

"You're being stupid, you know that? I don't want to be anywhere but with you. I want to be the one you lean on while you're learning to walk again. I want to help you reach things from the top shelf and make dinner for us and- and I want you. Is that so hard to believe?"

She hesitated, wiped her eyes, and cleared her throat. Then she looked me dead in the eye," I need you to go. Leave and don't come back."

"Maya-"

"Rachel."

I swallowed another sob. I was still in shock. No one in my family knew what happened. They knew that there had been an accident and that Maya and I broke up. But they didn't know that it was my fault. They didn't know that Maya had basically saved my life and broke up with me the next day.

She probably blames me for her getting hurt. That car basically paralyzed her. Why did she have to push me out of the way?

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried for the millionth time to stop crying.

I need you to go.

The moment I knew she was it.

We're done.

You deserve to live your life happy.

Leave and don't come back.

Suddenly, I couldn't breathe anymore. The photo in my hands was starting to get wrinkled. Carefully, I set it on my nightstand. Then I laid on my back, watching the ceiling fan spin until I got dizzy. By then, I had gotten my breathing under control, and my tears had run dry.

Maya was all I could think about. My mind was back to every memory in those photos. Every smile she sent me. The sound of her laugh. Her hand in mine. I wanted to cry more, but I didn't have anymore tears left to cry.

So I got up and dug out the sweater I had hidden. I slid it over my head and curled up in bed. Her smell had faded almost entirely from it, but it still felt like she was holding me one last time.

I curled up under my comforter and squeezed my eyes shut again.

Maybe she just needs time. Maybe she'll text when she's in a better headspace.

I felt a tear soak into my pillow.

I hope she's okay.