Crestfallen

Rachel’s eyes flew open as she sat up panting. Little beads of sweat covered her forehead as she struggled to breathe properly. She can’t remember the last time she felt so anxious but the most unsettling part is that she can’t seem to remember the dream or rather nightmare, that left her distraught. Taking in a few deep breaths she finally managed to calm down.

‘Its just a dream’, she chanted the same thing for a few minutes before she decided to climb down her bed and get on with her day.

She finished her morning chores. The apartment always seemed a bit more quiet in the morning since she lived alone. It’s a simple one bedroom apartment with one bath, a small kitchen and a lounge area. The white walls stared at her as she stared back. It was an endless contest with Rachel usually breaking the contact. To her even staring at those walls seemed like too much of a commitment.

‘You start to stare at them for hours and before you know it, you discover some sort of hidden meaning behind it. If walls could speak; well they can’t but your mind would start to tell you things in an attempt to cover up the endless white.’

Rachel always had a unique take of life. Her train of thought was interrupted as her eyes drifted towards the clock hanging from the wall. The only personalised item she decided to put up. She should leave, otherwise would be late for the meeting. She was getting ready to leave her apartment when suddenly she noticed a key chain by her handbag. It was shaped like a maple leaf. The weird part about the key chain however was that Rachel had never seen it before in her life. Yet it felt familiar somehow. An eerie feeling settled in her stomach as she continued to stare at the key chain perhaps hoping that the reason behind the familiarity would suddenly dawn upon her. She blinked a few more times before her eyes shifted towards the clock. She’s getting late for work. A sudden urgency overcame her as she grabbed her handbag, car keys and left her apartment. The key chain left on the counter, forgotten.

Rachel drove fast barely getting off from receiving a fine to reach her office on time. She had a very important meeting for which she couldn’t be late. It had been 2 months since she was made the project head for one of the biggest cases her firm handled. This meeting was her chance to prove to the naysayers that she was capable as well as talented enough to handle this project. For a person who’s whole life was about work, this was a huge opportunity. Finally her fruit of labour would see the light of day and this was her time. She was confident as she entered her office with a admirable determination. With a few minutes in her hand, she got behind her desk and decided to go over some of the points she prepared.

She was deep in her thoughts when Julie, her assistant came in with the pleasant smile she always wore. Seeing her smile like that, Rachel wondered sometimes, how happy could she really be to be smiling like that all the time. It’s not just her smile, the way she threw her head back laughing out loud as her eyes sparkled, carefree. Yes that’s the word to describe Julie. Unlike Rachel, she didn’t seem to mind what people thought of her. Not that anyone could think any less of her. She’s beautiful, intelligent, funny and everything Rachel wasn’t.

‘Ready for the meeting?’ Julie said while propping herself on the desk.

‘Yes’, Rachel mumbled under her breath.

‘You have to be louder than that if you want to convince these people, you know that right?’

Rachel looked up to meet Julie’s eyes. She’s staring down at her, her gaze comforting and warm like a hug. It felt like she could see Rachel’s soul through her eyes. Not liking this, she averted eye contact, nodding her head.

‘Oh come one. Cheer up! It’s going to be great.’ Julie moved closer while putting her hand of her shoulder.

It felt reassuring. Rachel felt something in her stomach. She was feeling like that for a few months now. She hadn’t been able to understand what it was. A lump formed in her throat, as the looked up at Julie again. Her kind eyes, her smile, so warm.

Breaking out from the trance, her eyes moved to the laptop screen but something else caught her attention. That keychain! The same one that was on her kitchen counter. The maple leaf shone brightly as sunlight reflected off of it. It was on the coffee table in her office. Suddenly she got lightheaded staring at it, as she noticed the unsettling feeling return. It can’t be a coincidence right? Or was she imagining things. Julie left her office telling her to hurry up but her voice didn’t seem to reach her ears.

With the key chain still haunting her, she entered the conference room.

Heavy tears streaked her cheeks as Rachel stared at herself in the mirror. She almost shook from the anger. Anger directed towards her. She ruined it. Ruined the most important opportunity of her life and made a fool of herself in front of everyone. She remembered the look at the faces of the board members. She remembered clenching her fists and struggling to breathe as she looked down. The silent conference room spoke louder than any words said afterwards by the members. She didn’t even realise when she got out of the conference room and ran towards the washroom. Her whole life seemed to flash before her eyes. The failures that defined her, the disappointed looks she had received all her life, all came crushing down as she dropped to her knees.

Breathing fanatically she hugged her knees curling into a ball as she rock herself, desperately trying to calm down but to no avail. Closing her eyes, pressing her palms over her ears she begged the voices to stop.

‘You are a failure.’

‘You are so stupid.’

‘You cannot do anything properly. You are good for nothing!’

Suddenly the voices stopped as two hands wrapped around her. A sweet, earthy smell mixed with lavender entered her senses calming her nerves. She opened her eyes to find herself in Julie’s arms and her voice in her ears whispering her to calm down. After a few moments staying like that Julie let go of her with a concerned look in her eye.

‘It’s okay. You are okay. It’s not the end of the world. You will get other chances. It was just a mistake. It happens.’

Julie repeated, her voice a little shaken up and desperate. It almost didn’t sound like her.

‘Rachel pull yourself together. Stop thinking everything is ruined. Have hope, everything will fall back into its place,’ Julie tried again.

Rachel looked down, not meeting her eyes. She put her hands in her pockets to stop them from shaking. Her fingers touched something and as she brought it out, she froze.

The key chain!

The uneasy feeling returned, this time stronger than ever! So much so she almost felt sick to her stomach. Her head hurt so bad, she closed her eyes. The ringing in her ears worsened. Julie’s voice fading in the background.

Last thing she saw before closing her eyes was the maple leaf, shining brightly under the neon lights of the washroom.

Rachel opened her eyes slowly adjusting to the bright lights. She knew she was in a hospital just from the lights. The neon glare was hard to forget as she hated the place from the bottom of her heart. She was slowly looking around adjusting to her surroundings when Amanda walked in her room. She worked in her office and was one of the people who talked to her once in a while. Seeing her awake, Amanda rushed to her side.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes. What happened?’ Rachel replied, her voice raspy.

‘You passed out in the ladies room. I found you. You scared a lot of us. How are you feeling?’

‘Fine.’

‘Your doctor will be visiting you soon. With no next of kin available, he told me about your condition. Were you taking your medicines daily?’

Rachel nodded. She didn’t want to talk about this to anyone much less Amanda. But she seemed persistent.

‘Does this have something to do with Julie’s…?’ Amanda paused. Not sure of the appropriate words she should use.

Rachel looked the other way. Her eyes moved to the drawer by her bed. The key chain was on top of it. The uneasy feeling didn’t return. Maybe because she remembered now. She remembered where she saw the key chain. It was a gift from Julie.

The first time Rachel had a panic attack in the office washroom Julie helped her out through it. She lent her shoulder and waited for her to calm down. It was the first time Rachel had let anyone come close to her. That day changed everything. Rachel found someone, a person to talk, to trust, to fall back upon, to love. She told Julie everything from her deepest fears and desires to her random thoughts. All her life, Rachel had been searching for an anchor, and she finally got one.

On her birthday Julie gave her the keychain. A maple leaf shaped keychain. She said maple leaf is a sign of peace and she hoped it would bring Rachel peace as well. She said this smiling so brightly. Rachel remembered that smile, as Julie’s lips curled up, eyes sparkled and she looked breathtakingly beautiful. She realised that day she was in love. The words almost escaped her but she couldn’t. Something held her back.

She regretted everyday since. As it turned out the warm person, with the beautiful bright smile, was not so happy after all. It was such a shock to everyone. The news spread like wildfire and Rachel was the last to know. She couldn’t comprehend the information nor the pity glances she received. The promise of everyone being there for her fell on deaf ears as she refused to believe anything. How great of an actor was she? She fooled everyone. Rachel didn’t even suspect her unhappiness. Her whole belief system shattered in a few seconds. She was still in a daze when she had returned in her office after hearing the news. Her eyes caught the reflection of the keychain. The keychain that would supposedly bring her peace. She didn’t feel at peace, quite the opposite actually. Distress consumed her as she stared at the keychain while she repeated the information she had just received. The person always talking about peace, positivity and happiness had killed herself. The key chain remained idly on her desk seemingly unknown of the loss. Her whole world was turned upside down in a few minutes.

Shock, denial, anger, regret formed an ugly combination as it pushed her towards PTSD. The hallucinations came with it. When it had gotten out of hand, she chose to forget the entire incident. Chose to forget that Julie was gone because it was unbearable. Her love, remained unsaid, unheard, unknown. Only white walls stood as the witness of the unshed tears and a broken heart crying out loud perhaps enough to be heard from beyond.