Write Later

June 12th 2020

We arrived at the villa a few hours ago, the views are breathtaking as per usual.  The water is clear as glass, the air so crisp and clean. We arrived right at sunset, just in time for a late dinner. We had butter chicken and rice, it was delivered to our house since we arrived too late to dine in the main hall. Tonight we’ll probably watch a movie in our room and turn in early. Traveling here was exhausting, two planes and a boat. No one talks about the taxing parts of your parents owning an island. I’m excited for this break, work has been so taxing and me and Joe have been fighting non stop. Maybe this can help us make up. I hope so. Goodnight, write tomorrow.

June 13th 2020

Today was our first full day on the island. It’s just as beautiful in the day as it is at night. Me and Joseph met my parents for breakfast, we ate not far from the water. Eggs over, easy toast, oatmeal and fresh fruit. We had an easy first day, spent the whole day lounging on the beach, swimming and drinking cocktails. The sun was warm but not too hot, the water was perfect and we could even see some fish. It was spectacular. Joseph was really good today. We had a lot of fun together. I wish everyday could be like this. We’re exhausted so we’ll turn in early again. My parents booked us jet skies and snorkeling tomorrow, so I hope that’ll be fun. Write tomorrow. 

June 14 2020

This island is huge. It’s built a circle, at the center is a smaller circle with five towers which make up the main resort. In the center of those towers is the check in area, the place to book excursions and a stage and entertainment area where the band plays. Each of the five towers are 12 floors, the first two are the gym and then the spa, and the rest are hundreds of rooms. Each room is categorized by it’s tower, floor and and room number, for example T3 room 503, T5 room 9013. Some rooms have balconies, some have Jacuzzi’s, but they’re all stunning. 650 sq. ft. minimum, a queen bed, marble floors, built in mini kitchen and bar, crystal white bathroom, and of course room service. Nothing short of perfection. The outer circle is reached by pathways that lead from the inner one. The outer circle consists of five things, the main dining hall, 3 private villas and one of 3 pools (the main one). The villas must be booked months, sometimes even years in advance. The main dining hall is where most meals take place, they also have buffets on the beach and a small pizza shop near the stage. Breakfast is served from 6:30-10:00, dinner from 5:00- 9:00. Any meal in between is eaten at one of the many other food options. You order from a small preselected menu, sometimes even with theme nights like Indian and Italian. The food is grade A, cooked by chef’s my parents fly in, every meal is a work of art. The main pool is 100 x 50 ft. large, surrounded by beach chairs and tables for the buffet. It ranges from 3ft to 7ft with a diving board at the end. The other two pools are a children's pool area in between tower 2 and 3, and a private villa pool outside of villa 2 that are available to all the people staying in the houses. The villas are numbered. Me and Joseph are staying in villa two, my personal favorite. It has a living room, a master bed and two other bedrooms two bath a stunning kitchen with marble counters. The master bedroom is actually on the first floor, with a sliding door and deck that leads to the private pool for the rest of the villas. The living room has a flat screen tv and leather couch with thousands of dollars worth of décor and items. The kitchen is fully stocked even though no one who stays here ever cooks and the bathrooms are marble floors and stunning of course, with the other two bedrooms on the second floor. All of this was arranged for us by my parents, of course, they’ve owned the island itself since I was five. They’ve been building up the hotel my whole life. I’m now 25 and it’s finally completed. Five towers, three pools, three villas all surrounded by the crystal clear water of the Atlantic ocean. The only way on the island is by boat from St. Marteen. It’s a hassle but it’s worth it, this is paradise. Today me and Joseph went Jet Skiing. I’m afraid of deep water so I wasn’t thrilled but he really wanted to go and I knew if I said no he’d get upset so I went. At first I was scared but once I got out there and got the hang of it I calmed down I bit. Joe could tell I was anxious and I could tell he got upset. He said I was ruining his fun. He was right, but I couldn’t help it. He was passive aggressive for the rest of the day, and called the dress I wore to dinner ugly which hurt. After dinner we watched the sun set at the bar in the lobby and listened to the band play. We stayed out pretty late, hopefully he’ll let me sleep in tomorrow but he said he has plans for us to snorkel so probably not. Write tomorrow. 

June 15 2020 

I’m drukn, and currently writing this in the bathroom so I can be allone. I think Joe’s mad at me, dont no why. I thought we had a reely good day today. We went snorekeling, and the water was beautiful, so many fishes and animals in the water it’s insane. I loved it, i love nature and wildlife. I wanted to be a marinie biologist before I got married, I feel safe with animals i can relate to them they make me feel safe. We had lunch on the beach, and swam some more in the water and had dinner with my parents again. I drank alot after we snorkled. The waiters kept handing me drinks for free, I couldn’t say no, and of course i had a feew glasses of wine at dinner. I can hear joe outside the door. He wants me to come out but I don’t want to, he doesn’t like me when i’m drunk but i don’t really like him when i’m sober. I don’t like him much at all. He’s funny looking and mean and nasty. He doesn’t know i keep this diary it’s a secret, he would never let me do something like this he’d kill me if he knew. I hide it in my bag underneeth my underwear and stuff, i usually sneak it past him at night and write on the deck, too night im in the bathroom because im drunk. I hope he doesnt find it, i hope im sober enough to put it back. Joe is coming

June 16 2020

 Joseph hit me last night. I was drunk and he doesn’t like it when I’m drunk. I hid the diary behind the toilet before I opened the door, and before I could even step out he grabbed me by the throat and threw me into the wall. He held onto my throat until I was hitting and kicking. He slapped me twice, and punched me in my ribs. He left me on the floor in the bathroom, I threw up a couple of times. When I cried he told me to shut up. I slept on the cold bathroom floor, I was in too much pain to move. I woke up to him stroking my hair at 3am and crying his apologies. Said he was sorry and he didn’t mean it and he loves me but I was in so much pain I couldn’t care. I accepted it and went back to sleep. Today we took it easy, lounged on the beach, ate lunch at the pizza shop, no drinking. He was still mad at me and I could tell. He tries to hide it out in public but he’s not very good at it. He grabbed my arm in front of the hostess when we were asking for pool towels because I got too friendly with her. It was embarrassing. I don’t want to do anything tomorrow but he wants to go surfing, so we’ll see. 

June 17 2020

  Long day. Went surfing, even though I don’t like surfing. When I tried to tell him I didn’t want to go he slapped me so I went. Ate dinner with my parents and they saw the mark. I just said it was sunburn. I’m tired and want to go home. Write tomorrow.

June 18 2020

We got into a nasty argument last night. He said I was miserable because I didn’t wanna do anything with him on the trip, I called him controlling and abusive, he didn’t like that. He chased me around the house, threw a remote control at my head and broke like three glasses. I locked myself in the bedroom and went out through the balcony and ran all the way to the main lobby. I managed to grab my phone and my book. The lady at the front desk recognized me from yesterday, and cleaned the cut on my head and gave me a band aid. I didn’t want to tell her what happened, everyone here knows me and Joseph and my parents and if people found out he’d kill me but I was so vulnerable and scared, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying. I had no choice but to tell her. She gave me a room to stay in for the night, T2 room 309. I’ve been in here all day. The lady at the desk, her name is Flora. She came and knocked on my door at around 11 and told me Joseph came looking for me saying he was worried and didn’t know where I was, she played dumb for me. I really appreciate her. I ordered room service for lunch. I’m going back tonight, I don’t know what’s gonna happen or what I’m gonna say. I just hope he’s willing to listen. 

June 19 2020

 Today was a strange day. I ate breakfast in the main hall, I had fruit and oatmeal. Spent most of my day in and out of the pool, swimming tanning drinking. I skipped dinner because I had a big lunch at seafood buffet. It was always my favorite place but Joe never let me eat it, He said he hated watching me eat crabs, and that I looked like a pig and smelled like a fish market. He may have been right but I don’t care. When I left the suite I was staying in for the day, Joe was obviously very angry. We where standing facing each other in the living room and he said I embarrassed him in front of all the people in the lobby when he had to go looking for me, then he switched and was sort of sad. He told me how worried he was when I broke out, and how much he missed me and loved me, I stayed quiet. I didn’t believe him I knew he was being manipulative. He got really close to my face and whispered his sweet nothings he even shed a tear. And then he slapped me across my face. I think that was the hardest he’d ever hit me. I had to wear I big sun hat today to hide the mark his hand left on my face. I screamed bloody murder, trying to get the attention of the cabin next to us. I yelled and wailed and screamed until he grabbed the back of my neck and put his hand over my mouth to try and stop me but I bit his hand until he let go. I drew blood, it definitely left a mark. I pushed away as far as I could trying to make it to the front door, but he grabbed my ankle and dragged me back. I was still screaming and making noise. When he pulled me away I grabbed onto the leg of a side table and knocked it over shattering a vase. He got on top of me and stated wresting with me, punching me a bunch in the ribs and even one good time in my eye. I had to wear my big sunglasses today. While he was hitting me I got a hold of one of the shards of broken glass from the vase, and I slit his throat. It was disgusting, blood and carnage everywhere but it knew I only had one shot to try get him, and if i missed he’d kill me instead. My intention wasn’t to kill him, I just needed him to be hurt enough to stop. But I killed him. And I don’t regret it. 

June 20th 2020

Today is my last full day on the island. I woke up and dressed my wounds, my black eye got even darker, my ribs are blue and green, and I still have various scattered wounds and scratches from other fights, but the mark of my face has let up a bit so I guess that’s a win. Joe is still of the living room floor, I haven’t moved him for forensic reasons. I’m already getting charged with murder no need to tamper with the crime scene. I don’t plan on getting away with this, I’m going to turn myself in tomorrow morning. I just want to spend my last day of freedom at peace, near the ocean with my family. It’s sick I know, but I feel like it’s the least I deserve after years of his abuse. I ate breakfast on the beach and tanned for most of the morning. I went swimming, had my final lunch on the beach, crab legs and shrimp, my favorite meal. I played mini golf with the hostess who helped me out a few days ago. I thanked her over and over for her help, and I told her that me and Joe had a talk and we broke up for the time being so she doesn’t wonder where he is for now. She’s such a sweet soul, I hate to make her an accomplice to this but she’s strong and she can hold her own. I’ll ask my parents to promote her to manager, she deserves it. I ate dinner with my parents in the main hall. We had steak and lobster and talked for hours. It was the most fun I had with them since I was a teenager. I felt young again. When they asked where Joe was I told them he was sick, ate some bad seafood at lunch. They didn’t even think twice. I gave them the biggest hug of my life and said goodbye. I’m back at the villa now. I had to put a sheet over him I couldn’t look at his body anymore. I’m gonna write a note to my parents explaining everything from the beginning. All the abuse and the lies, all of it. I don’t know what I’m feeling right now. I’m terrified of course but I’m also relived. Although I’m probably about to go to jail, I feel safer than I have in years. I feel calm. I don’t know if that makes me crazy or if it makes me sane, I don’t know. Write tomorrow. 

June 21 2020

I didn’t sleep at all. I woke up, showered and order breakfast to the villa (asked them to leave it on the door step and ring the bell). I ate, did my hair, but not makeup and left my note for my parents on the bed after I made it. I cleaned everything except for the living room and packed up all of my things. It’s 10:07 right now, this is going to be my last entry. I’m going to turn this whole book in as evidence. Years of abuse documented on paper, including the last few days. I don’t know if it’ll help or make things worse but it’s something. I never told anyone about what was happening but my friends knew. Stacie, Lauren and Dana. They saw the scars and the bruises covered by turtle necks and makeup, hopefully they’ll help. I don’t except to completely get away with this, I don’t deserve to. I miss Joe, weirdly. I loved him still, he was good to me most of the time and loved me more than anyone else ever did. But he was poison. A parasite. He sucked the life from me and the beat me because it was gone. He ruined me from the inside out and blamed me for it. He didn’t deserve to die, but I don’t regret it either. I probably shouldn’t be writing this down but it’s my truth, and it deserves to be heard. To everyone in my life, I love you and I’m sorry and I’ll miss you if I go away. I shouldn’t have lied for as long as I did, maybe this could’ve been avoided. The more I write, the longer I delay the inevitable. I’m going to call now and hope for the best. Write later.