Brisketman

Brisket Man

No one would ever guess that the calm unsuspecting local maintenance man Donald Shaw, was actually Princeton’s secret superhero… Brisket Man! The greatest meat themed crime fighter of the Midwest! He made sure that the town streets of Princeton, Missouri  were always safe, calm and strongly smelling of meat. No one dared caused trouble on the city streets. No graffiti was sprayed, no purses were snatched, and no barbeques ruined.

Therefore our story begins on what seemed at the time to be a typical winter Monday. Donald Shaw, known to all the cool kids as Brisket Man, had volunteered to help Rebecca, the social services director, keep her New Year's resolution to not eat so much chocolate and sweets by volunteering to take any treats people brought to the office off her hands. In general the residents were laughing, chatting in the lobby, and trying to stay warm. Meanwhile up on the square, Biscuit Woman, Brisket Man's arch nemesis, was not having as nice of a day.

The bitter cold had frozen the door shut on Biscuit Woman's secret abandoned freezer lair behind the local grocery store. Thus she traveled across town in her rusted out biscuit mobile and took up temporary refuse in the bell tower at the First Christian Church. ‘It's a good thing I'm a retired therapist in real life’ She thought ‘or hanging around with the bats in the belfry might give me a complex.’ She thought. ‘Aw well at least they aren't sparkly or morphing into George Hamilton look alikes.’ On that note she headed down to the church itself to practice her music, and warm up a bit. Just as she was settling in to enjoy her music by playing classic hymns of the church, she started thinking about Brisket Man and the fact he was probably warm in his "maintenance closet/secret lair, she switched over to toccata and fugue by Bach ( Google it).  BAH! I feel like I'm in a bad “B” remake of Phantom of the Opera—dang Brisket Man.

“As soon as the weather warms up, we shall do battle Brisket Man!” she whispered, “Maybe sooner if I decide to BBQ a groundhog for seeing his shadow. Ugh. All this talk of food calls for a snack—I know—I will go see my friend, Andrea.  She lives right under Brisket Man's nose in Oakwood, I can see what he’s up to and visit the Iron Chef of North Central Missouri and have her make me a tasty sandwich—or some cookies. Although with my luck they will be gluten free.

Thus, yes it was true. Brisket Man enjoyed a reputation as one of the greatest crime fighters that had walked the streets of Princeton, challenged by no one... until that one fateful summer day---opening day at the swimming pool to be exact.   Donald Shaw, aka Brisket Man, and his sons were enjoying the contrast of the warm weather and the coolness of the water along with several other unsuspecting families. But the calm would not last, lurking just outside the fence of the pool was Biscuit Woman, spying on her arch nemesis. The weather was finally warm enough for her to rise to the occasion and confront Brisketman out in the open.

Biscuit Woman was constantly looking to cause a commotion with her Apricot Acid Jam and Sticky Strawberry Jelly Traps. But today the chaos would be started with her soon to be infamous biscuit bombs.

BOOM! THWAK! The air was shattered as Biscuit Woman pulled her purple colored biscuit bazooka out of her giant oversized purse, took aim, and hit Brisket Man square in the head with a frozen biscuit bomb. Seeing her arch enemy was stunned, literally, she started the next phase of her plan to ruin everyone's day at the pool. Sneaking inside the fence now, she dropped flour bags in the water which began to gum up the filter, turning the pool into a giant bowl of soup. That should stew Brisket Man she thought as she slinked away into the shadows and drove off in her rusted out biscuit mobile.

"Today was not a good day to die!" declared Brisket Man as he rousted himself from the conk on the head, using his beef jerky rope to lasso a life preserver from the side of the pool and  keep himself afloat. Then realizing what his arch enemy had done, Brisket Man jumped out of the pool and walked, not ran, to his towel and tool belt and grabbed the first batch of sauce he laid his hand on to dissolve the flour. Unfortunately it was mustard. Soon the pool turned a bright yellow color---ugh---- the luck. “It's not what you think!” He was quoted as saying to the local newspaper reporter. When Biscuit Woman read the news in her secret abandoned freezer lair behind Big G—she snickered evilly, well played Brisket Man, well played, then she got back to business and plotted her next move on how to make a shredded meat sandwich out of Brisket Man once and for all.

Soon fall was upon the rural Midwestern town, and the streets were alive with sounds of music for Calamity Jane Days. There was music and streamers, laughter and joy, barbeques and 4H activities. A general happy day. Until one sticky villain decided to ruin these happy festivities. 

Unknown to the community below, once again hidden inside of the Princeton First Christian Church bell tower, Brisket Man’s sneaky arch rival, Biscuit Woman watched the festivities below. This is pretty tasty she thought as she enjoyed her  Holy Smoke BBQ pork sandwich prepared by Reverend Watkins—which also served to whet her appetite to see Brisket Man served up on a platter with a side of coleslaw --and biscuits of course.

Everyone who was anyone was in town for the Calamity Jane holiday and the Cow Palace theater performance was packed as usual. The audience was ready for the amazing show that they knew to expect. But, alas, it was not meant to be.  Biscuit Woman had chosen this day for her breakfast themed strike on the poor citizens’ grand day! Just before the curtain rose, Biscuit Woman had tied up all the actors with her Rye ropes. The fiend! The show was surely doomed.

Huzzah! Just a few streets away, Donald Shaw, whose alter ego was Brisket Man was smoking pork, because he wasn't a total heathen/cannibal.  So there he was, minding his business, when all of a sudden he heard it… The captives call for help. He pulled the lid back down on his smoker and bid a quick farewell, before racing off to his lair and donning his suit. There would be no terror today! He jumped into his Brisket mobile and raced off to the theater.

Meanwhile Biscuit Woman was preparing for her own big food themed performance. She straightened her cape and made sure she had all her jams and jellies in order. She stepped in front of the curtain and smiled. This would truly 

All of a sudden … chaos. Brisket Man jumped onto the stage as the curtains rose and ready to save the day. The two arch nemesis truly stole the show with a real life shoot out street fight. Flour, BBQ sauce, jelly, gravy, and ketchup flowed freely from the stage as the epic battle took place. The audience went wild—this was the best performance at the Cow Palace ever. Always the entrepreneur, the local newspaper man was quick to point out the epic battle was reminiscent of another historical battle that had taken place in a theater between Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth. Plus this fight was happening on Calamity Jane Day which made it even better for publicity purposes. But alas this battle was not to end in an assassination, Brisket Man would not allow himself to be turned into BBQ burnt ends and Biscuit Woman would not allow herself to be burnt on the bottom this time—so after a challenging and grueling meeting of the minds, and sauces, these arch enemies glared at each other for a moment—licked their tasty wounds, and retreated to their respective lairs. Each vowing to take a chunk out of the other upon their next meeting.

Later that evening the actors enjoyed the remnants of their rye ropes and shared more and more embellished stories at the beer garden and both character's legends began to be heralded far and wide.  

Meanwhile audience members, still in their sauce stained clothing, began to prepare for the night's activities like listening to live music on the square and checking out the various vendor displays. Soon the street became alight with chatter with what had just taken place. Each person was also wondering if that was the last thing that they would see of the two arch enemies that day?

While this was taking place outside, in the aisles of Big G the villain herself was browsing through the jelly selection. Maybe the Cow Palace had been a bust, but this was hardly over. By the end of the night Brisket Man would be little more than a burnt bacon bit at the bottom of the pan and she would walk away with the pancakes.

“Gluten free”, snarled Biscuit Woman the next day, as she walked the flour and dry goods aisle of Big G.....it’s a good thing Bruce Gamet isn't Brisket Man. Although that reminds me she thought--I need a new cookbook. So with those fateful words echoing in her head Biscuit Woman headed across town to the library.

And that's how the fight started.  Brisket Man was quietly minding his own business, reading a cookbook by his hero Bobby Flay, when in walked Biscuit Woman. “YOU!” They both yelled in unison. “QUIET! There's no yelling in the library!” shouted one of the assistant librarians, apparently missing the irony -- and taking both superhero and villain by surprise. Quickly recovering, Biscuit Woman opened the card catalog on the computer--see you later loser she said heading over to the comedy section. Now where is she going?  wondered Brisket Man--only to have her return with the cookbook Fifty Shades of Gravy. Getting right up in Brisket Man's personal space, Biscuit Woman began reading to him in a high pitched nasally stage whisper. Make it stop, whispered Brisket Man not willing to risk the wrath of the librarians by yelling again. Seeing Brisket Man was in distress, the teens on the computer at the library jumped into action and sent a quick email message to the library front desk asking for help distracting Biscuit Woman from her hypnotic reading.  “Excuse me” said the head librarian tapping Biscuit Woman on the shoulder, “that cookbook is rated R for referencing a bad pun, therefore you cannot read it aloud in the common area of the library. But I would be glad to check it out to you if you fill out an application for a library card?” ‘Rats! Foiled again’ thought Biscuit Woman, but the cookbook did look interesting so she decided to go ahead and take it back to her lair.

It was Halloween in Princeton. Brisket Man and Biscuit Woman were enjoying a rare day of not having to be in disguise as real people. Both were getting their last minute chocolate fix on at Dollar General when their carts bumped in the seasonal candy aisle. ”Oh no you didn't” Brisket Man quietly shouted, “I think you got BBQ sauce in my chocolate!” Biscuit Woman said testily. “This means war!” They both said glaring each other down. One of the clerks of Dollar General, overhearing this conversation, politely called out, “Please take your war outside—these aisles are narrow enough as it is for our regular customers to try and navigate—let alone have a fight or all-out war in.” 

“True that”, said Biscuit Woman, “Cash me outside…” 

 “Okey Dokey” replied Brisket Man.

 Climbing up onto the roof of Dollar General via the fire escape ladder, Biscuit Woman did a quick inventory of her sauces and adjusted her cape for battle. Scampering up right behind her came Brisket Man also preparing for this epic meeting of the culinary minds. Whose cuisine would reign supreme this night? It was anyone's guess. As the battle broke out on the roof people gathered in the parking lot to watch. Soon the sauces, gravies, jellies, and biscuits were flying. Even traffic on the highway was slowed down as people stopped to rubberneck at the two figures on top of the Dollar General doing battle. 

Just as both hero and villain were about to declare victory for themselves Sheriff Stockman came up the fire escape, “Hate to break up this party but ya'll need a permit to stage a fight or wrestling performance up here on top of the building—I'm afraid you are both under arrest for breaking the city ordinances.” A steady round of booing and hissing went up from the crowd until the manager of Dollar General came out and told everyone that Halloween candy was marked 10% off as a one-time yellow light special for the occasion.

At their arraignment the judge was upset with both Brisket Man and Biscuit Woman. He was having none of their, he or she is my nemesis stuff, “I do not care about any of that!” said the judge. “Have you seen the bills the city has received from people wanting to be reimbursed for buying extra laundry soap and spray and wash? Have you seen the bills we get for people wanting the city to pay their car washing fee to get the jelly, gravy, and sauces off their windshields? That's it. I am mandating you both to mediation plus 90 days of community service working with the city cleanup crew—that should teach you both a lesson. Plus who knows maybe you will even become friends or at least frenemies.” 

“What?” demanded Biscuit Woman, “I am a retired therapist, I don't do mediation.” 

“NO! I already do the maintenance and clean up at Oakwood Terrace!” exclaimed Brisket Man. 

“Too Bad. “, said the judge,”—that is my ruling. Now, I'm not saying you have to go back to your respective secret lairs—you just can't stay here.”

The End????