Memory Loss and a Pen

The harsh white lights burned holes into the back of his head. A low buzz from a machine caught his attention. A CRD, he recognized, which meant he was in critical condition. A nurse hummed quietly, replacing his IV. 

“He-hello?”

The nurse jumped back and stared at her patient who against all odds, was alive and speaking. She examined him, checked the various feedback from the machines, and swiftly glided to the intercome.

“The doctor will be here shortly.” She explained in a disinterested tone as if the small shock from his consciousness had already worn off. It had to be at least 10 minutes before the doctor entered. He was beaming and pulled up a chair next to the hospital bed. 

“Agent Davis! I am so glad you are awake and feeling better.” The name did not sound familiar.

“I’m sorry but who are you?” 

“The more important question you must be wondering is who are you?” 

He hadn’t even noticed that he had absolutely no recollection of where he was, what happened to him, and who he was. He noticed gaping holes in his childhood memories and basic information about himself was gone. His face slowly melted into an expression of horror.

“Don’t panic. You were in a terrible car crash. Your wife passed away. You were the only one we could save, I’m so sorry.” His mind ached for memories that would make him feel sad, angry; anything. He couldn’t feel sadness for people he couldn’t remember. The doctor watched him carefully, expecting an outburst or a pitiful display of grief but Agent Davis kept a straight face.

“Wow, he really doesn’t feel anything,” the doctor whispered under his breath with a small smile. Two nursed walked in carrying boxes of books and photographs.

“We salvaged some of your possessions,” the doctor explained. “You were a spy for the Arcinian government. You helped us win the war against the Dornwhich. We found you in a wrecked car on the side of the highway with no memory of who you were. In Arcinia, we require all spies to keep hidden journals if they have memory loss such as you do now. We found your journals and we hope after reading them you will be able to return to the line of duty.”

Agent Davis took the first book on the top of the stack. There were eleven journals in total. One for each year of being a spy he considered.

Book One, August 28th, 2243

Today was initiation day, a day to remember. I stood among my friends who had also passed the training. We all received new names and the first book of our journal set. A new start for all of us. My name is Agent James Davis. It feels like today I have been born new like I haven’t lived until now. This is my new life. 

Agent Davis skipped to the end of his first year.

Book One, August 27th, 2244

I finally received my first mission. It was foolish of me to think that my training would be done after initiation. I’ve learned so much, worked so hard for this, I can only hope that everything goes as planned. My goal is clear, sneak into Dornwhich testing facilities and the cameras attached to my suit will film everything. I have to get to as many places as possible. The higher-ranking spies will ambush using the information I collect. It’s hard to not miss my family, to block them out, but I made my choice.

Book Two, August 29th, 2244

My first mission went great. I disguised myself as a new staff member and even got to see the high-security areas. It was better than I could have ever hoped. Maybe they will promote me to a higher position!

Book Two, September 1st, 2244

Today we were able to meet the new set of initiates. I spoke with one of them, I believe his name was John. He was crying because he received a letter from home that his father had cancer. He wanted to go home but obviously, no new initiates can leave for five years after their acceptance into the academy. I comforted him as best as I could but I wondered when I would receive a letter like that. I don’t plan on leaving the academy after my five bound years are up, and my parents are old. Maybe I will forget my family eventually. That’s what the superiors want. After all, a good spy isn’t supposed to be held down by familial commitment.

Book Two, March 14th, 2245

I learned the Bidner Code today.  It’s simple and most of the time overlooked if you want to send a secret message. The first letter of each word when taken out of context spells out a secret message. For example: Here elephants lack pride, major embarrassment. That would spell out ‘help me’. You never know when that might come in use.

Book Two, April 5th, 2245

We’ve been training physically for the past few months. I’ve been dubbed the best in my unit strength-wise. Today I was paired with a coach for wrestling and I beat him! After that, three superiors came up to me and told me I would be promoted to a higher-skilled unit. This means that in two days I will leave all my friends here. It hurts, but I didn’t come here to make friends, I came to serve and I’ll do whatever it takes to serve to my highest potential.

Agent Davis quickly skimmed through accounts of his various missions against the Dornwhich and watched the person who appeared to be himself rise higher and higher in the ranks. It felt like he was reading a book, not a journal. How could this be his life? The man in these pages was strong and courageous. Without his memories, he felt naked, like a raw version of himself was open for everyone to see and manipulate.

Perhaps it was his old spy instincts but he did not trust these people. It seemed too convenient that all of his memories were erased and he was simply handed them back in long and detailed journals. 

“Excuse me, doctor, may I have a pen?” The doctor didn’t move his eyes away from the agent but simply gestured at the nurse to get him a pen. Agent Davis took Book Eleven from the bottom of the pile and wrote a sentence. He could feel the doctors’ eyes burning into his back.

“Ah thank you, I was concerned that I might have forgotten how to write,” he said with a light chuckle. In reality, Agent Davis wanted to see if his handwriting matched up with the journal’s handwriting. Disappointedly, he discovered it was a perfect match. He would have to look harder to prove his theory that something was wrong with these journals.

Book Eleven, August 27th, 2253

Today marks ten years since my initiation. I have won 12 honor achievements and have been promoted as head of my very own unit. It is a small group of men and women but we work quickly and carefully. In three days we will invade a Dornwhich testing facility and destroy their advancements of a deadly serum. When we return from that mission, I will propose to Monica, the love of my life. We have discussed marriage for quite some time now and maybe even retirement. 

Book Eleven, December 2nd, 2253

Very rarely, groups of troops have gone missing. They will be sent on missions and none of them will return. We have never found their bodies and assume that they are dead. John was among those who went missing. If they do survive, it is strange that not one of them has escaped. It makes me wonder if I might go missing as well, and what would happen if I did.

Book Eleven, February 8th, 2254

Today, Unit Four dragged John in, bound by handcuffs. I watched in disbelief. Why would they be having a trial for one of our men who had just gone missing for three months? As soon as John spoke I realized; he had absolutely no memory of who he was. 

Everything was beginning to make sense. He was like John. He had been fighting the Dornwhich and they must have erased his memory for some reason, but now he was back home. Agent Davis considered putting down the journals but decided to skip to his final entry in Book Eleven.

Book Eleven, April 2nd, 2254

Today we concluded the annual Festival of Yves. It happens every year at the academy to celebrate a great general who helped us to defeat the Dornwhich in the battle of 2186. It’s celebrated with intense racing amongst the various units and harmless weapons are provided for entertainment. It is all dependent on the individual spies’ skills and ability to see past what is right in front of them. Yesterday, ​our ​unit ​raced ​dangerously, ​occasionally ​requesting ​new ​weapons. ​Hardly ​impressed ​captains ​hesitated.

Agent Davis was confused and reread the last sentence. There had to be something he was missing. It couldn’t just end there. ‘To see past what is right in front of them’. He flicked his eyes to the sentence immediately after. It definitely didn’t sound right. A light flicked on in the back of his head. Bidner code. He began with the second to last sentence and worked his way to the end. After extracting the first letter of each word, he was left with YOURDORNWHICH.

Your Dornwhich. But that didn’t make much sense. Maybe the “r” was supposed to be “are”. A small gasp escaped him. You are Dornwhich. Everything made sense. The Dornwhich aren’t his enemies, the Arcinians are. He wasn’t in a car crash and maybe it’s just too convenient that all of his familial connections died too. And his memory loss is a blank slate that anyone can manipulate now; the perfect spy. 

He was confused but the one thing he knew was that this is not where he is meant to be. He is Dornwhich and trying to be convinced that he is Arcinian. He gently shut the journal and looked up at the doctors and nurses watching him.

“Is everything okay Agent Davis?” The doctor asked politely.

Agent Davis noticed the nurse quietly slip an injection into the doctor’s hand. Was it a sedative, or another thing that would make him lose his memories? He cautiously took a deep breath.

“Yes doctor, everything is perfectly fine.” And with that Agent James Davis gave a small smirk and sunk back into his pillows. The pile of journals sat at the foot of his bed. This would be a fight for another day.