Dug in Deep

This story is dedicated to a person I really care about. To F.A.L. You’re the Fabian to my Jamaralys.

Love is so confusing and I hate it. I hate how in a certain period of time you spend with someone you barely know you can fall in love with them entirely. I hate how if a random, good-looking person, walks by you and smiles you can think they’re so gorgeous, but deep down they could potentially be the worst person in the world. I hate how you can talk to someone and know someone for about a month and can fall in love with them so quickly that it hurts, so when it doesn’t work it leaves you suffering and broken. Trying to heal your heart, again, because if you don’t heal it fast, like the way you fell so fast, then that’s a sign of weakness and that can be used against you. Love is a never-ending cycle people go through. It can leave you madly in love and married, intoxicated, but still wanting more, abused without a way out, or broken with no hope of ever finding your match. That’s why you see these young people on Married at First Sight, Are you the one? or even Love is Blind. Many people don’t know what they want in a person, many people ruin the only good relationship they’ll ever find, and many can’t make up their mind because they have so much to choose from- luck them. 

I might think this way about Love, but it’s only because I went through it all. Then there was this guy- seemed like the rest of them, but something just touched upon the fact that he wasn’t all the same- I fell in love, but not at first. 

At first, I didn’t like him. Every time I saw him, I thought he was those guys who liked to act all that and tried to show off just so they can seem cute or impressive, so I just didn’t see any potential in such a specimen like himself. Then again I did just judge him without completely knowing him. Then we hung out, with other people of course, a couple of times. His friends told me he liked me and I just didn’t know how I felt because we never got really acquainted with one another, at the time. (Did I also put in that I had a crush on this guy already? His name was Marcus DeAngelus- cute, charming, and funny). So this guy that liked me finally got the urge to say “I like you”. That’s all he said. He waited awhile for my response.  I was nervous and thought this guy was crazy. Like we barely knew each other and all of a sudden he wanted to confess how he felt? Anyways, I might have, maybe, said something around the line of “I like you too.” Oh, I know, I was stupid to say it back even though I barely liked him or knew him, but it was worth it, for the most part.

We started hanging out, alone. And no we didn’t do anything serious. We held hands once and maybe might’ve hugged a few times, but we were only friends, although he wanted to be more. I couldn’t have that happen, not yet anyway. I had boundaries, but then again he did break them. Like he kissed me...twice. It wasn’t a big deal even though I couldn’t stop thinking about it… or him. That’s beside the point. The point is we became a little more serious in the sense of calling each other names like babe or baby, but while all this happened I still couldn’t let us be a thing. There was just something I couldn’t let happen. I didn’t quite understand what it was… okay that’s a lie… I knew what it was. It was me. I know you probably heard the “No. It’s me not you.” line before, but truly it was my fault. I guess I just couldn't put myself back on the Ferris wheel again. Spinning around and around in a weird circle- mixed with emotions when you're far up, but then when you're down you're all relaxed. I just couldn’t. I knew I was being selfish and I knew I could’ve just let him find true love with someone else, but it’s not like he wanted to leave. 

We had our ups and downs. Mostly me… well completely me. I would always just make up some excuse not to hang out or just to “take a break”. We always, somehow, came back together, but still… What was I doing? What was I putting him and myself into? So I then decided I couldn’t, for another second of our lives, put us in a position where I was just simply not ready to give him my all or to share the feelings I really had for him. So I broke, whatever we had, off. I knew I broke him. I knew that I wasn’t the only one in our “relationship” that had to make “sacrifices”, but I just couldn’t hurt him anymore.

How it all went down***

“Hey.”

“Wassup?”

“Um. Ugh. Nothing:)”

“Come on, what’s wrong?”

“How can you just assume something’s wrong with me?”

“Vibe?”

“Mmm. Well, I’m perfectly fine.”

“Ok.”

“Ok, then.”

“Why are you acting weird?”

“Now I’m acting weird. Okay well has it ever occurred to you that maybe you might be the one acting weird and might be blaming me for yours or someone else's actions?”

“What?”

“So now you don’t get me. Well, maybe you never actually got me… We should end whatever’s happening between us because honestly, I can’t do this. I hope you find someone better or at least someone you get.”

“Really? What are you talking about? We can talk about this… If you really mean whatever you're doing then so be it, but I tried so hard for the both of us and I don’t know what I’ve done or what you're going through at the moment, but I hope everything goes well and that you know what you’re doing. Bye:( “

Okay, I might’ve been a tad bit dramatic but that’s Love for you. A twisted dramatic story that everyone possesses. It’s toxic and cruel. It brainwashes you and makes you go goo goo gaa gaa over someone… even if that someone is someone you actually care about.

3 and ½ years later from when I “dumped” Him***

At this point in life, I graduated from high school and then went to college and majored in Vet Tech for 2 years. Academically, I was doing great. Socially, I had minimal friends, literally no social media, besides Snapchat and Pinterest, and I was currently visiting my mom, Darrice, for about half a year now. Mentally,... I was going insane. It’s been about 3 and ½ years and I still, for no exact reason, have been thinking about Him. I should probably stop referring to him as Him and by his real name. Sorry. So I’ve been thinking about Fabian for like 3 and ½ years. Don’t judge, but I can’t count on my fingers how many times I cried thinking about Fabian. Why was I thinking about him? I don’t know. Why was I thinking about him after the fact I “called things off”? I don’t know! Why did I actually “end things off? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know! I was a mess, an absolute mess. Soo… I might’ve tried finding him, stocking him, or even asked his friend/ my friend, Reianna, if by any chance she knew his snap or whatever… I don’t know what I was going to do when she actually gave me his snap or when he added my “fake” account. I just wanted to see. See what? I had no clue, but I just needed to see what he was up to? Okay whatever excuse there is just pretend that’s the excuse :) 

I made a “fake” account because if it had my name it would just seem like maybe it could’ve actually been me. Then, of course, he added me back or should I say he added Amber Benson. As soon as I got the notification that he added me, I went on his story, and guess what? There was nothing posted! How was I supposed to know what he was up to if there was nothing to see?! I was not going to text him first, so I waited. Then I got tired of waiting 10 minutes and went onto our chat. I was going to text “Hey👋”, but before I could even regret putting the emoji or not, Fabian texted first. He texted first! 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” No emoji. Thought that was weird?

“I would ask you what your name is, but guessing by your username it’s Amber?”

“Yea.” No, it’s not, but I can’t really tell you… Ugh well then that’s lying and then he’ll think I’m a liar…

“I don’t think we know each other, but I’m Fabian Palaski.”

“We don’t, for the most part, but Reianna gave me your snap.” We do, but I also can't tell you that.

“Reianna? That girl is crazy. Sorry about that. She’s probably trying to set me up with another girl.”

“Oh. Um. I don’t think that was her intention. Why would she set you up with other girls?” :( 

“This girl and I broke up a couple years ago blah blah. It’s in the past. Reianna is trying to set me up with someone to “replace” her/ get me over her.” 

He dated a girl after me. Well, we weren't dating, but still.

“I’m sorry. That was a personal question.” I’m an idiot.

“It’s fine. Well, maybe we can get together with Reianna and hang out. Any friend of hers is a friend of mine.”

“We’ll see:)” Hope not!

“Bye:)”

What the literal flip! I can’t believe I 1. texted Fabian 2. lied to Fabian 3. pretended my name was Amber 4. he dated this girl and Reianna’s trying to set him up with a new one. Dang, I guess he moved on. 

2 days later and a text from Fabian***

“Hey...Amber.”

“Hi.” What’s with the …?

“So I texted Rianna not too long ago to see if we can all get together and she told me something weird.”

“Oh?” Huh?

“Yea… She said she doesn’t know any Amber. Especially an Amber Benson. She said she never gave you my snap. I was confused at first, so I just thought maybe you’ll care to explain?”

“Um. Ugh. You see the thing is- ugh. I- I’m super duper sorry that I lied to you, but I had to because then I wouldn’t be able to talk to you if you knew who I really was and I just thought if maybe you and I can talk again and maybe make it up or maybe I can tell you sorry or something or like tell you I didn’t mean what I said back then and that I- I miss you like crazy, so I hope you understand and that you don’t hate me…” I’m a big idiot.

“Soo… who exactly is this?”

“Um. Jamaralys? Or maybe just your brain playing tricks on you?” I’m dying internally. 

“Yea, I kind of figured it was you telling by the amount of times you texted ugh and um. Why’d you have to lie about it?”

“I’m sorry, Fabian. I just had to make up an excuse to just text you or see how you were doing?”

“And.”

“And I just- maybe we can- maybe you can just forgive me for being such a douche bag?”

 “I forgive you, J. I missed you too, for some strange reason. I’m joking:)”

“Ugh, thank goodness:) I’m really sorry, though. I don’t know how many times I’m going to say sorry, but I guess that’s the price of Love.”

“You love me?”

“Yes, Fabian. I love you. Okay well, that was a bit fast.”

“Nah. You're fine, lol. I- I love you too.”

“What about that other girl or other girls?”

“J, you are really an idiot. That girl from a couple of years ago was you.”

“Oh… well how’s life?”

“Good. I was in college for about 3 years, pursuing the life of becoming an EMT. I’m off to get a job. Things are rolling slow since I just ended not too long ago.”

“Nice. Same, though. I’m staying with my mom for a while. Spending some time with her. I just finished not too long ago too. Vet Tech.”

“Seems like everything did turn out good in the end…”

“Seems so.”

“Wanna hang out soon?”

“If you want.”

“I do.”

So like I said about Love. It’s tragic, sometimes, just like Romeo and Juliet’s story, but our story was the somewhat basic kind. A great writer once wrote in his story “... a romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other person and which it is not likely I shall ever find again.” I’ve been in many relationships, so has Fabian, but the love we have for each other is the type of love we won’t find in anyone else.