In My Mind

Logic looked around Lynn’s Brain and took a sharp intake of air. She put her hand to her chest, feeling her racing heart.  Now was not a good time to lose her shit. But if she did, nobody could blame her. As far as her eye could see, it was carnage. Negative thoughts that her team had defeated lay lifeless on the ground. Mounds of them. But still, even more, floated overhead, taunting her and her army. Hundreds, maybe thousands. Her team of five had been fighting valiantly for days, and Logic saw no end in sight.

Logic’s armor had countless nicks and dents. Her helmet had been lost days ago.  And her spirit was weak from days of nonstop fighting.  This war had been a particularly hard one. The negative thoughts in Lynn’s head were coming quicker and stronger than she and her army could fight off. Logic saw Common Sense and Love in the corner, fighting a battle with suicidal ideations. The usually dynamic duo was doing their best to defeat the thoughts. And even though it was two-on-one, Common Sense and Love looked like they were still struggling. In another corner was Compassion. He was fighting against Lynn’s self-esteem issues. And behind him, Truth was in a standoff with Imposter Syndrome. Logic was the colonel of this army, and she was proud of her soldiers for putting up such a valiant fight despite the odds against them.  

“Keep fighting, team. We must keep fighting!” she shouted over the commotion of the explosions and war cries from both sides. The battlefield that was Lynn’s Brain was filled with negative thoughts that floated through the air like a toxic smog. Every time a team member defeated one negative thought, two appeared in its place.  While her army fought thoughts, she tried to battle the source of the battle, Depression, and Anxiety.   

They had been fighting this war for about two weeks now, and the enemies seemed to just be getting bigger and strong. Logic knew what that meant, and she could pinpoint the very moment it all started. Two weeks ago, she had been leading a team meeting of her army. Lynn had been doing well for the last few weeks. She had been saying her daily affirmations, taking her medicine, reading her daily devotionals, and generally trying to keep her thoughts happy and light.  Her being healthy had given everyone on the team time to heal from their last battle.  

The team sat around their strategy table, discussing her progress.

“I’m really proud of our girl,” Love said, glowing like a proud mother.

“Me too, she is really working on taking care of herself,” Common Sense said, grinning at Love. He had a crush on her that everyone on the team seemed to notice except her.  They often tag-teamed bad thoughts together, but Common Sense wanted more from their partnership.

“You look fat,” a thought popped up in Lynn’s brain and was suddenly floating in the air above the board table.  Compassion, the always-ready soldier, jumped up and stabbed the negative thought with positive energy until it was destroyed.  “Nothing to worry about guys,” he said, “Lynn has those thoughts even when she feels good. I’ll remind her that her body is perfect and functional and get her back on track.”  He sat back down at the table proud of himself and grinning ear to ear when Love patted him on the back.

“This is why you’re not attractive,” came another thought. But it was as small and weak as the first one and easily defeated. “It’s fine,” Compassion reassured.  But Logic was beginning to not be so sure.  When she looked around at the auxiliary forces hanging in the wings, she noticed their numbers appeared to be lighter than before. 

“Brain,” Logic called out, “when was the last time Lynn took her depression and anxiety medicine?”  

“No medication has been detected for 72 motherfucking hours,” Samuel L. Jackson’s voice yelled.  To this day Logic had no idea why Lynn’s internal voice was a screaming Samuel L. Jackson, but she had bigger fish to fry.  Lynn hadn’t taken her SSRIs in three days.  The auxiliary army that helped keep the negative thoughts at bay was 100% supplied by the SSRIs and if Lynn wasn’t taking them, that meant only one thing.  An attack was on the horizon.

“Shit,” Logic said.  

“This is bad,” Truth said shaking her head.  “Why isn’t she taking her medicine again?  I know for a fact she just stocked up on it,” she said sounding genuinely confused and slightly panicky.  Truth remembered the last war they had fought when Lynn didn’t take her medicine, and it wasn’t pretty.  Everyone was pretty banged up, and it had taken weeks for them all to recover.

“If you were going to be fat, you could at least be the right type of fat,” came another thought a little louder, but not much.  Love gasped loudly.  Compassion was preparing to get out of his chair and tackle it, but Logic stopped him.

“No, let the auxiliary team handle it,” she said sounding tired already.  “If Lynn isn’t taking her medicine, they will all be disappearing soon anyways. We need to preserve our energy for when we are all alone.”  The heaviness of her words weighed down the team’s shoulders. 

“Brain, remind Lynn to take her medication,” Logic said.  

“Motherfucker who do you think I am, Siri?” Brain responded.

“Brain,” Logic said slowly, drawing out his name.

“Okay,” Brain chuckled.

Now that felt like a decade ago. The auxiliary team slowly disappeared over the next few days, and the team had been on its own ever since. The negative thoughts had gotten worst and more invasive.  But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was that instead of dealing with them in productive ways like taking her medicine, praying, or meditating, Lyn fell into bad habits like self-medicating.  She was smoking weed every day and while it momentarily made her feel good, it didn’t take the thoughts away, it just inhibited the army’s ability to fight in such a fog. 

“We need help!” Truth yelled pulling Logic from her thoughts. She looked up to see her soldiers looking smaller and weaker than before. They were fighting and hanging in there, but just barely.  Logic knew that her team couldn’t last forever. Everyone had their limits, and they were reaching theirs.  Depression and Anxiety appeared to be getting bigger and bolder with each passing day and Logic knew she needed to do something drastic.

“Brain, initiate Code Blue sequence,” Logic screamed over the commotion on the battlefield.  All her soldiers quickly snapped their necks to look at Logic. A Code Blue was not something you called out without some thought.

“Motherfucker, are you sure?” Brain asked suspiciously.  Everyone knew the gravity of initiating a Code Blue.  Once that train left the station, it couldn’t be called back.

“Yes motherfucker, we need help!” Logic screamed back.  Depression had gotten the best of her, and she was currently laid on her back with Anxiety’s sword to her throat.  They were out of options. A Code Blue had to be called.

“Okay,” Brain said. At that moment, Logic’s entire team stopped fighting and just let Lynn’s negative thoughts take over, while Brain initiated the crying sequence.

Lynn felt it instantly.  She had been feeling like shit for a week now and she had no idea why.  She felt ugly, depressed, lonely, unloved, and generally like a failure.  She was at the dinner table listening to her husband recount his day at work when the first tear fell.  She quickly brushed it away before her husband noticed it, or it fell into her dinner. But she couldn’t stop the second, third, or fourth tear from falling; before she knew it, she was sobbing at the table.  Her dark brown face was scrunched up into a frown while she cried out loud. Her husband jumped from the table and immediately started consoling her.

“Baby, what’s wrong,” her husband asked with genuine concern in his voice.  But Lynn had nothing for him.  She couldn’t articulate what was wrong beyond the fact it felt like her own brain was at war with itself.

“When was the last time you took your medicine?” he asked when she didn’t answer his first question.  Lynn stopped crying long enough to think.  

Sniffling, she barely got out “it’s been a while.”

“Baby, that’s the problem. Remember what happens when you don’t take your medicine? Those negative thoughts all come flooding back.”

“But whyyyyy,” she asked in a mix between whining and crying. “I hate that I need medicine,” Lynn said holding her head down and no longer fighting the tears.  “What’s wrong with me?”

“Absolutely nothing is wrong with you, her husband said compassionately.  “Everybody’s brain is different, and yours just needs a little help making sure those bad thoughts don’t take over.”

“Yes, yes, yes!” Logic screamed out of excitement, still underneath Anxiety’s sword. The Code Blue had been a tricky call. Crying could take Lynn down an even deeper path of destruction, but if someone who loves and knows her is around to see it Logic knew the strategy could potentially pay off. 

“Baby let’s go take your medicine and make an appointment to see your therapist,” her husband said ushering her from the kitchen table so they could go to the bathroom.  Once inside the bathroom, he gave her the pills to take, which she was able to swallow once she stopped crying. Then he turned her towards the mirror.

“Repeat after me,” he said hugging her from behind. “I just took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that bitch. Even when I’m crying crazy.”

Her husband reciting the Lizzo lyric like it was some inspirational quote dried her tears up quickly. She gave him a side eye through the mirror.  

“What are you waiting for?” he asked, giving her the same look back.

Lynn was slow to participate but eventually repeated the lyrics. Doing so brought a smile to her face. 

While wiping tears off her cheek he continued. “Yeah, I got mental health problems, that’s the human in me.” Lynn repeated.

“Bling bling, then I solve ‘em, that’s the goddess in me.” When Lynn recited the goddess lyric her husband raised her hands in triumph. She giggled at his antics.

Inside her head, the negative thoughts were still fighting but with a little less vigor. And because she had taken her medicine, a few auxiliary forces had shown up. “All right girls and guys let’s help Lynn win this battle,” Logic said pushing Anxiety off her, raising her sword, and charging toward it and Depression. 

“Yeah!” her team war cried, feeling rejuvenated from hearing that Lynn was back on the road to recovery. They continued to fight the negative feelings. Every day Lynn took her medicine more auxiliary forces showed up to help, and the war became easier to win.

“That’s the last one,” Truth said proudly as she killed the thought that Lynn was undeserving of her job. The team and all the auxiliary forces cheered, happy to know Lynn was mentally in a better place. It had taken weeks, but she was back to her happy self, feeling good and no longer beholden to her anxiety and depression.

“Way to go motherfuckers,” Brain congratulated.