I should not be there

I SHOULD NOT BE THERE

         From the beginning, it was awkward.  I was trying to keep a low profile with the English teacher that probably could be my daughter if I born in this country.  My first language is Portuguese, and I came to America to marry an American man. I retired very early and with 52 years old, I was free to leave the job and the country, so I did. 

         However, living in Indiana is not the best English accent I could get from conferences in Europe and, eventually, a short trip for one of the most critical meetings in the United States in my field. 

         It was a shock to arrive in the West and discovered that nobody could understand what I was talking about. 

         I also came to live in the woods instead of a city, and the contact with humans was almost inexistent. 

         Once somebody from the woods told them they like to be alone.  So, the only way to have some people around it is to study again.  Practicing English first, and I took the class.   Since day one something was wrong. I walked confidently into the room just to face the students with half of my age.  The teacher was also a very sympathetic woman but very young as well. It was a feeling that I did not belong to the place not only because I did not speak English well, but the age.  

         We must start early in life; otherwise, we miss something in a way that can not be recover without considerable effort from inside.

         First of all, I decided that a need a profile of a woman, not a lady that deserves some kind of condescending thoughts looking old.  I died my hair with the typical color of brown sometimes lighter, but definitely keeping that way. Small makeup as well but keeping the bright eyes and a cheerful attitude.  Pretending to be a joyful person was not my best character I had problems with this part. It makes people suspect I am hiding something.

         Then, on the first day, you must introduce yourself, why, what, you are there, performance from your past. I thought about this a long time and decided to say a few words that did not mean much. I told them that I was trying to improve my English because I got married to an American and would like to understand the people better.

         It was a perfect introduction, and I did not need to explain why the College accepted my enrollment in this undergraduate class.  Yes, people like small people that do not jeopardize them with knowledge. After many years in my field and research, I discovered two things. One is people feeling frightened about your understanding. They try to tell themselves that must be not that bad, the person looking at them is not really what they are saying, or they also try to show that you are not really good. Otherwise, you would not be there living in woods secluded into the forest of Indiana.  People requiring an explanation for what they do not understand, so I kept it simple.   

         When the class started, I noticed that instead of new prompts to write, the teacher gave us a bunch of small essays with unpredictable playwrights that I, fortunately, helped myself to forget most of them. 

         But the theme was always something with human problems nowadays, racism, gender choices, consumption.     It was big trouble to understand what the authors talking about.

         Usually, I hated the way they touched the issues and one day I discovered that was due to the different societies we lived in.    I suppose the teacher was enthusiastic about modern styles and the authors who wrote about themselves most of the time.  

         In fact, I prefer to read an exciting mystery novel or detective essay, and unfortunately, the teacher likes to discuss the social issues in the United States.  I kept it to myself and started to read the stories with her eyes like a chameleon changing colors in the ambient it is exposed. One day, I wrote down a vehement paper defending a vegan woman against her family.  It was when I realized that I could do it. 

         I felt proud of myself, finally could sit on the teacher chair for a while and understand what she was talking about. 

         She was defiant of the society and the ways that people bringing her to be the American. It is one of the most influential cultures around the world, in music, in knowledge, in technicians, but there are problems. 

         On the other hand, she would never understand my ideas, culture, or beliefs. 

         Living in Brazil almost all my life and performing as a mother and professional made me understand the society in the South Hemisphere.   We have all the problems pointed out for the North Hemisphere societies but somehow, we do not fight against it; we live together shoulder by shoulder. We do not believe women can be mothers and professionals at the same pace, racism is a priority, gender we do not discuss.

         What is the culture in Brazil?   First of all, we are not readers, neither writers, we watch soap operas or sucked with American movies mostly. We praised the violent films from Schwarzenegger or Bruce Williams.   My father used to like John Wayne movies with the Indians being a few bad people, but sometimes an Indian traitor considered a good man by the organizers of the film.    That is our society, the democracy in South America is bent by new concepts that involving corruption as well.  The dishonesty always wins, people who are corrupted are well praised and nobody cares if you are trying to do something beautiful for others. Who are others? Others are people who do not deserve to be considered in your life.  

         Somehow, this kind of society is a predator of each other and one day or another is going to explode. It started a long time ago. Anyway, let ‘s come back to the English teacher and her lovely ideas of the New World and people.  I took her sandals in the walk to the North American road a while. Inside myself, I understood them, but also, I know how they would never follow me. 

         I am on the edge of two different worlds and they will never agree with each other. It would be explained when it is Summer here, it is Winter there and vice versa.

         Now, after her class, I can write down what happened to be an aged woman trying to be attending creative writing in English with people with half of my time.

         What I never told them, it is I was a doctor in Physics, who for thirty years teaching in classes with their actual ages for engineer students that did not want to know Physics.  I am not sure how she would feel, shocked?  It was a lack of information from me without a doubt but to learn English does not matter how much Physics you had in your lifetime.

         On the other hand, I sensed uneasily to discuss with my young colleagues, some enthusiastic of new ideas in society.   Their faces sometimes showing, I mean all of them including the instructor, that they are living in a country better for each other nowadays.   My question is how many of them still believe in these concepts in thirty more years? Since we human beings are always trying to change in the way for a supposed evolution or self-destruction, what we will be praising in thirty years. 

          It was my experience in the class, creative writing in English as an old woman.