Constant Ongoing Struggle With Ones Self

The old girl who was always postive, and smiling. Wanting to make everyone around her smile when she does. Is not broken, gone, and or forgotten. She just lost sight of the good parts of what she used to be. Sometimes there going to be a person that comes into your life, and changes you for the better. I found that person my soulmate, and he showed me that it’s ok to be happy. When he said he would put our relationship on pause, and my heart just broke. I am the only person to blame for acting that way. Which was greedy, selfish, pushy, emotional, mean, and hurting others feelings. That is the moment that made me relize that it’s time to change, let go of the girl who was broken, hurt, and liked being this way. Let’s go back to the happy go lucky girl who everyone misses, and likes. Yeah life isn’t going to be easy, and it’s going to always change. Just like sometimes people change into the one thing they despise, and it makes you question everything. Why you were acting this way, and why are you hurt so much. Everyone gets hurt, and it’s normal to feel sad. Your pain is small in comparison to what others each day are feeling. I should be great-full that I have a great support system for me, and people who care deeply. Who want me to be happy, and even if they have to push me to make me realize that. Love is not always about putting others first, and neglecting yourself. It’s about putting yourself first, and making you happy. As well as others, but it’s not about always putting everyone first cause than your not happy. Your not loving yourself, and focusing on your issues. You can’t make others happy if you don’t allow yourself to be happy. I let being bullied control me, and change how people perceive me. Not everyone is going to walk out of your life, and you can’t stand around waiting till they do. There’s always going to be people who are fake, and use you for their own personal gain Not every person wants to exploit you, and wants to hurt you. There as much of a good amount of good people out their, as well as their are a good amount of bad. Judging isn’t good cause than you are just waiting around to be hurt, and are missing out on so many moments. Life’s to short to dwell on possibilities, and live in the now. It starts with just a smile, and a realization that you need to change. For a while at first I was fighting myself, and against myself. I thought the feelings, and the things my gut were telling me to do were false. Something that I didn’t want to believe, and it wasn’t till he said those words to me that it made me realize. That I am good enough, and I am capable of changing myself if I want to. It’s just a matter of pushing yourself, and seeing that it’s worth it. I had struggles with some suicidal thoughts, feelings of abandonment, and not being good enough. The feeling that I shouldn’t be happy it’s not fair to myself or to others that care about me. It is fair that everyone deserves there personal happiness, and a happy life. Free from all the worries, the world, and separate. Something that’s just theirs, and no one else’s to comment on. I let what other’s said about me, and treated me like consume me. Turn me into a person I don’t wanna be. I don’t want to be consumed with negative energy, and guilt. Not everything in life that is broken can be fixed. I can’t make everyone happy, and I understand that now. The person who I can make the most happy is myself, following me dreams, and desires. I’m saying goodbye to the girl who I used to be, and saying hello to the new me. The girl who makes everyone including herself happy. The girl who loves to smile, giggle, and make corny jokes. I miss that girl, and that girl is finally coming back out. The old me will always be apart of me, and she will always be missed cause she made me realize who I want to be. The best me I can become, and the girl who wants to become a doctor. The girl who loves to write, and dance sometimes. The girl who loves to sketch, and draw. Not everything in life is my fault, and problem to solve. You can’t make everyone happy, and change everything around that ideology. I’m saying goodbye to the girl who used to be bullied, and let others walk all over her. I’m different I will always care about others, and want to make them happy. Its time for myself to be happy, and I am with my family, boyfriend, and friends. So I’m happy that my past has made me the strong independent woman I have become. Everyone has that defining moment in their life that makes them question every decision, and every step they taken. How they gotten to where they are now. Thank you to my teachers, friends, family, and the people who have made me the person who I am today. I wouldn’t have made it through the last four years of high school without all of you. Giving me advice, help, teaching me life lessons, and to be myself. Without your help, I wouldn’t have had the best four years of my life. I learned so much from all of you, and I will keep learning from what you have taught me. I thank you all because without meeting you guys I would have never reached my full potential, and the best me I can be. Without all those people I never would have changed, or wanted to for the better. If this sounds chessie so be it. That’s my life, it can be messy, weird, and a emotional rollercoaster so be it. That’s who I am, and that’s my family. We’re not perfect, than again is anyone perfect. So you can judge me all you want, and the truth is I don’t care anymore. About what others think of me if you don’t like me for me. Than you missed out on an extraordinary person. That was my lightbulb moment, and it was the moment I realized I was hurting everyone around me. The defining moment that I made the realization that I needed to change.