The Knock on the Door

The knock on the door is unexpected. Tom isn’t expecting anyone. He was just planning on ordering his regular Friday night Chinese food and watching reruns of Law and Order on TV. He doesn’t even like Law and Order, but his TV is broken and he can’t figure out how to change the channel. Still, he was excited to relax after a long week, so when the knock on the door comes, he is a little annoyed. 

He thinks about just pretending he isn’t home, but whoever it is knocks a second time and Tom figures he should just get this over with. He gets up and walks over to the door. On the other side of the door is a man who looks like he’s in his mid-twenties. He’s slightly shorter than Tom, with brown eyes and dark hair. He looks uneasy. Like he doesn’t quite know if he should be here. They stare at each for a second in silence. Tom speaks first.

“Hi.” He says. 

The other man takes a breath. “Hey.” He says. 

“Can I help you?” Tom asks. 

“I think you might be my father.”  He seems a little surprised with himself for being so forward. He makes eye contact with Tom briefly before quickly looking down at his shoes again.

Tom is taken aback. He’s quiet for a moment before answering. It comes out much quieter than he expected. “What?”

“Your name is Tom Saxe?” 

Tom nods. “Yeah. That’s me.” He pauses. “What’s your name?”

“Nick Ramano.”  Once he hears the name, Tom suddenly feels like someone knocked the air out of him.

“Oh.” Is all that comes out of his mouth at first. “Okay.” he continues. He doesn’t quite know what to say.  “Do you wanna come in?” 

Nick nods. They walk into the apartment. Tom leads him to the living room. Nick sits down on the couch across from Tom. He looks like he’s trying to take up as little space as possible. He looks around the room uncomfortably. He doesn’t look at Tom.

“So, your mother is Juliana?” Tom asks.

Nick looks at him for the first time since they sat down. “Yeah. That’s her.”

Tom nods in response. Neither of them speak. They don’t know what to say. After what feels like hours, Nick starts talking. 

“Look.” He says, “I didn’t come here because I need a father and I’m not looking to have some kind of relationship with you.” He looks to Tom for a reaction. When he gets nothing, he continues. “I don’t need a father. Especially not you. I’ve done pretty well without one, actually. It’s just that, well, I guess I’m curious.” 

Tom nods. “Okay.” He says.

“Okay?” Nick asks, “That’s all you have to say? We’ve never met before and I come here to meet you and all you have to say is ‘okay?’” He seems frustrated. 

“Well,” Tom shrugs, “I guess I’m just a little shocked. I wasn’t expecting you.”

Another long silence passes. Tom’s the one to break it this time.

“How old are you?” He asks.

“Twenty seven.” Nick answers. 

“That sounds about right.” Tom says, more to himself than to Nick. “So, how’s your mom?” he asks.

“How’s my mom?” Nick repeats. 

“Yeah.” Tom says, “How is she?” 

“Well, you know, you got her pregnant and left her to raise a child by herself forcing her to drop out of college, give up on her dreams, and basically devote her life to raising a child she didn’t intend to have in the first place. But yeah, she’s doing great!” Nick flashes Tom a sarcastic smile and then glares at him.

Tom’s a little shocked by Nick’s sudden harshness but he figures he deserves it. He laughs uncomfortably. 

“Yeah.” he says, “I guess that is what happened.”

“You guess?” Nick’s tone is harsh. 

“No.” Tom sighs, “That is absolutely what happened.” He looks away. 

Another silence. Tom can feel Nick’s eyes on him. He’s waiting for Tom to say something. 

“I’m sorry about that.” Tom finally says. “I bet she hates me. Right?”

“My mom isn’t one to hold a grudge.” Nick says. “She says you had your reasons. She’s the most forgiving person I’ve ever met. I, on the other hand, am not so forgiving. That’s why I never tried to find you before. I don’t want a relationship with you. I think you’re a shitty person.” 

“That’s fair.” Tom says, “I didn’t handle that situation well and you have a right to that opinion. I always felt bad about leaving your mother. But I didn’t really even think about how it affected you. I’m really sorry if I caused you to-”

“No.” Nick says, cutting Tom off, “I’m not upset with you because you left some gaping whole in my life. My mother was more than enough for me and I am perfectly capable of being successful even if I never had a father in my life. In fact, I am pretty successful. I’ve gotten very far in life without your help. I’m upset because of what you did to my mom. You drastically changed the course of her life and then left her alone to deal with the effects of your actions and that’s awful. You are an awful person.”

 “I deserve that.” Tom says, “But you should know, I’ve always felt bad about that.”

“Then why didn’t you ever come back?”

“By the time I thought to, too much time had passed. You have to understand, I was nineteen. I had all these plans for my life and I wasn’t ready to give that up and become a father. I know that’s selfish.”

“It’s very selfish.” Nick says quietly.

Tom continues.  “But when you’re that young you don’t always see that. It’s not an excuse. I just want you to see where I’m coming from.” 

“I don’t really care where you’re coming from.” Nick says, “I didn’t come here to forgive you and become your best friend.”

“You keep saying that.” Tom says, “But you still haven’t really explained why you did come.”

Nick looks a little surprised. “I came to meet you.” He says, after a moment.

“But you don’t like me and you don’t want to be my friend?” Tom asks.

“I don’t know why I’m here.” Nick says after a long time, “Okay? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I was helping my mom get rid of some stuff in her apartment and I found some of your information in a closet. I would’ve ignored it. I’ve never really wanted to meet you. But something about knowing your name made you seem more real and I couldn’t let it go. So I looked you up and now I’m here.

 But that doesn’t mean I’m going to set aside twenty seven years of being angry at you. So I’m kind of all over the place. I do this thing where I ignore the logic of a situation and act on emotion instead and it never goes well. I spontaneously decided to do this like an hour ago. Which is stupid. I shouldn’t have come. I can’t handle this. I have too many feelings on this situation that I’ve never really sorted out and I’ll probably just yell at you the whole time I’m here and that’s not what I want this to be. I should just go.” He sighs. He starts to stand up but when Tom speaks he stops.

“What do you want this to be?” Tom asks. Nick looks back at him.

“I have a lot of things I’d like to say to you.” he answers. “Many of them are about how I think you’re an awful person, but I’m also very curious about you. You’re like this thing I’ve imagined for years. But now that I’m really seeing you, I’m realizing I don’t know you at all. And that’s so weird because I’ve been thinking about the idea of you for so long. And I’m just realizing that I was yelling at you a minute ago and now I’m basically pouring my heart out which I really don’t like but I get to a certain point and I just can’t stop.”

Tom laughs. “I’m like that too.”

Nick looks at him. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t try to make it seem like we’re alike. You’re just trying to make me not mad at you.” Nick says.

“You should be mad at me.” Tom says. “I was horrible to your mother and I abandoned you. I can’t change that and you don’t have to forgive me. But I’d like to get to know you too. Maybe we could just set all that aside for like an hour and get to know each other.”

Nick looks down. “I don’t know. I should probably just go.”

“Give me one hour.” Tom says. “Let’s just talk and then, when it’s over you can go back to hating me. You can decide you never want to see me again. I know you don’t owe it to me, but I’d love to get to know you.”

Nick doesn’t answer. 

“Hey.” Tom says, “Do you like pizza?”

Nick looks up. “Yeah.” he says hesitantly.

“Let’s order a pizza and talk. Please?” Nick still doesn’t say anything. Tom continues. “You came here to get answers. Right? Well, I’m right here and I’d like to try to make things right between us. So what do you say?”

Nick seems to be thinking it over. Finally he speaks. “This doesn’t mean I forgive you or anything. I still think you’re a terrible person. But I’m hungry and I don’t like leaving a conversation without closure. So I’ll stay and have pizza. But that’s all I’m promising. I’m not saying I want you to be a part of my life. Got it?”

“Got it.” Tom answers. He smiles. “I’ll order that pizza.”

Nick nods. Tom can’t tell if Nick is more or less at ease than he was when he came in. He still won’t make eye contact, but he doesn’t seem as upset. Tom is still quite uncomfortable himself. Both he and Nick clearly don’t know how they feel about this. Tom doesn’t know if he’ll even see Nick again after tonight. But he hopes that maybe he can make amends for what he did. He’ll just have to see what happens.